I worked, but i am still studying.

Since i've worked in the education fair last week, i have kept looking up to my brothers that are working hard to invest in their future lives with their own family and still taking care of my parents. I've also kept appreciating what my parents had sacrificed to support my studies.

The feeling of working my ass off for some money made me realize a lot of things that are ahead of me. I realized how when i was working, i would just keep on thinking about the pay day, and i thought to myself "if there was work every week, my mind would be occupied by work."

There wouldn't be time for myself, for others and even more important, for my studies. I realized how precious studying is right now for me, that's why i have to decline Marcus' offer to take a job at another education fair at a Hilton hotel at KL Sentral, and probably future offers too until i have absolute spare time. In truth, i really wanted to work part time now, getting experience each day and working with faces you're familiar with is something that happens rarely. But i have to move back a step, and see what other alternatives benefits me more, and choosing something i'd rather waste time on.

I'm not really fond of studying when it was the only thing i would be doing for the whole day, but when i think about it, there wasn't a lot such chances either. Nevertheless, tomorrow is going to be a day at college by myself, maybe i'll meet some others there but i think i wouldn't have time to bother them or vice versa. In fact, it has always been like this since long distant past, because i can't properly study at home when examinations are not near, i tend to use up break times to study during my secondary school life and most of my friends don't tend to have such time used for studying. Now in college, things change but not so much, i still feel nerdy and lonely at such times; i guess it's necessary to feel this way, if not how can i concentrate?

I probably am the only one who have this kind of problem, i can't work and study at a short period of time, i have to sacrifice time for either of them two. You can say i'm lazy at managing time for myself, i've always believe studying should take 60 to 70 percent of my life now and the rest would be time for family, friends and myself, so i don't really have time to work. That's why i always envy people who can do both and still excel a lot in life, makes me feel so much more inferior in this world than ever, but that's just me, that's my limit, even pushing it won't go in par with such people. However, that doesn't really stop me from believing in myself, giving myself hope, i've never given up, i'm slow but i never trying to be more faster even i never seem to improve.

I tell myself to do things a bit more than usual; i tell myself to study a bit more; i tell myself to dance a little more; i tell myself to spend a bit more time with my family and friends; i tell myself to help others a bit more; i tell myself to study a bit more about wargaming. I tell myself to push my limits a little more.

Speaking of selfless though, i think i'm not trying hard on this part, i always think about myself first, then only afterwards i would think about others. I agree that i shouldn't blame myself too much when i delay the episodes but, if you were me, you would know that i was really just slacking and giving excuses to avoid responsibility, who knows, i might even stop caring for crying out loud.

But then again, one day, in a status post in facebook, i said

"Being human is hard."

Which was immediately prompted back by Nicole stating

"So it's easy being inhumane, isn't it?"

Surprisingly the immediate response in my thoughts were

"Hell no."

Of course, i could not answer back suddenly like that, i gave a lot more effort into thinking why my answer was "no", then the reason i gave to her was easy but hard for me to thought it out in words, i said

"Well, the problem is, i have to stop thinking to be inhumane then."

The response which i gave, holds much truth for myself to be honest. Yes it is true that, it's hard being kind to people around you, however, it's also the same for being bad. The reasons for me is that, to be inhumane i have to stop thinking the consequences of it, which is impossible for me; after spending so much time just thinking about things just prevents me from becoming something no one likes.

I've always thought about the consequences of making or not making the episodes. Maybe i'm paranoid, but making them had form part of life, i've delayed for almost a month, for something like that i can never forgive myself, the feeling of letting my friends is never a feeling i like. Yes, constantly i've been told "it's OK, don't blame yourself", but do you know why i still blame myself? Because throughout the time people would ask me about it, you don't know it because you all ask me about it individually. Even if you were just kidding, i can feel you all waiting, getting impatient with each week passing. Sometimes i just want some of you all to accept the fact i was being negligent, just blame me for some realism in my life.

I am very familiar with this impatient feeling, it really irritates me, but probably it's the same for you, we try to keep it to ourselves. I try my best not to request spending Marcus' time on wargaming, because that's truly a selfish thing to ask of, this selfish thought always resurfaces, but something i always counter with "think how he would feel about being constantly bugged about it". Sorry for those annoying times, bro.

And i'm sorry for those people who i gotten impatient with, i'm sorry for the long delay. I'll try my best not to let you all down again and i'm really grateful for all the support you all have shown to me.

Anyway my last notice to you all would be, i don't have feelings for her anymore and i don't have time for it and the tolerance for it. So please don't bug me anymore about it and sorry but i can't accept any kind of feelings from now on, i just don't have the time and tolerance for it, really annoying to explain to everyone i meet in college.