An obvious thing that i haven't blog about is what happening in my life.
Why? I'm not sure, i haven't been able to blog normally since examination started or maybe since my stupid post that i sometime wish i didn't make, hmm, maybe not just one stupid post.
Oh wait, it's already almost July right? That means June's ending and i got a summary to write down too.
June Summary, more in depth.
To be honest, not much since Holidays started. During the first week of the month it was the last two exam papers for me to fight, not much happened, i just studied casually before i know it, exams are already over and immediately after that, Karaoke session, i had fun there but the music was kinda too loud and mic had numerous problem, didn't like that. Forgotten how amazing Kim & Chew Teng could sing, scares me sometimes. The thing i only regret about that time is when i realized my camera stopped working when the battery went dead.
Later that night was BBQ dinner at Junior's place, quickly went to his room, charged the battery, borrow Junior's and start rolling the camera again. Food was nice even though i didn't eat much, was busy stalking people and all. Can't say much, there's definitely awkward moments, still blaming myself for being ignorant about it later afterwards.On a side note, truth be told the BBQ dinner was aiming to get Jan's and March's groups to get closer to each other, suffice to say we failed that goal, but i willing to give it another chance, it won't be easy next time though.
Stayed at Junior's for the night, same for Kim & Jo Ann, we had some long conversations, mostly about what just happened, he hopes the same thing as i do, holding and strengthening the friendship and encourages me to not give up on trying again for the next time. I just i hope it's not the last time i stayed at his home.
Later that day, i spent it with Junior roaming around the area finding paint for his gundam and went home after bid our goodbyes. On the second week onwards until now, i've secluded myself at home doing exercises, practice dancing and making videos.Got a new phone, going to get a car, spending time with family, buying miniatures at a new shop and i haven't cut my hair for almost a month now.
Besides of boredom, truthfully, i find myself to be envious of what others are doing with their holidays, it does hurt to see people still able to meet with friends either back at the college or staying with each other.
I wonder if i am the only one secluding myself to the outside world and living in the past? Don't get me wrong, i love being with my family, it's just that the actions i've done in the past have come to haunt me. Can't really see much with the problem i'm facing in others, they either have friends back at home town or have relationships to maintain about. Because of my own decisions, i grounded myself at home indirectly and the consequences were made involuntarily. I do regret it but there's no turning back, i can't do it. It's not about being proud if that's what you're thinking, it's a matter of maturity. I always change my mind when things turn out bad, i take things for granted, such as friends, not anymore.
Definitely, i'm sad, i regret what i've done. But i just have to move on.
From the bottom of my heart, I miss college life, i miss my college friends, i really miss the people i haven't met since examination. I truly feel jealous about your life now. All i can do now is wish upon a star, and i wish that i can be a supportive friend no matter how lonely i get.
There's gonna be another month of solitude, all i have now is the past to keep me moving forward.
24 June 2010
Remind myself to miss you, not to give in to doubt.
I have to remind myself not to despair,
because i'm making these doubts myself.
You can't see them, you can't feel bonds,
You are alone right now.
But believe, always have faith in them,
always look forward, but be re-mindful.
Don't forget the past, it has brought you so far to the present.
One thing good about being too emotional,
is that i miss people too quickly, too easily, too much.
because i'm making these doubts myself.
You can't see them, you can't feel bonds,
You are alone right now.
But believe, always have faith in them,
always look forward, but be re-mindful.
Don't forget the past, it has brought you so far to the present.
One thing good about being too emotional,
is that i miss people too quickly, too easily, too much.
17 June 2010
Demanding but considerate.
I've always preach about a person should be considerate of other peoples' feelings and situations.
But i have to look at myself first.
Demanding, a bad trait i have, one of the reasons i hate myself but trying to control and change from such behaviour.
The behaviours would complex because it depends on my mood.
a) If i'm in a bad mood, i rarely give a damn about others, however, because of that i stay from people, to cool myself down.
b) If i'm in a good mood, i think about others, but at the same time, wished acknowledgement from what i do.
I liked to keep it simple with just two different moods cause this is not always certain for me. Anyways, from the looks of it, it's quite similar between the moods, they both still think for others. I have no problem avoiding people when i'm in a bad mood. But how would i justify the desire to be remembered of what i've thought and done for others?
Sometimes i wonder, how much would a friend know that i can sacrifice both time and energy for him/her?
I have no idea what you were thinking when i helped you, when i talked to you, was it merely just a chat?
Do you know how much effort it takes for this mouth to open and vomit out words?
I find talking the most hardest for me and when i "talk", i mean really talked. I rarely make a conversation work with friends.
The most i get out of conversations is normal greetings of the sort "Hi, how are you?". Not in full sentences to boot; which probably makes me either cold or annoying to talk to, wouldn't the people that had talked to me agree? I find myself annoying when i look at the videos, i mean how the hell did i end up here with friends anyway? It doesn't make sense.
It truly doesn't make sense for me, it's unbelievable for you to say that it's because through other means, i made friends. But i ask you this, who are the guys/girls that are close to me which we bonded solely through videos or pictures? I have to be honest to myself, i'm not feeling it, through virtual reality, the words you wrote, i can't feel it, no matter how emotional you wrote it for me. I don't see you when you're writing it, i don't see you're true expressions on you're face, how you'd laugh or smile when i tell a joke or because of the videos i made. I always believe your words are true, but there's no feelings attach to the truth from the way you expressed it.
I think i just expressed how demanding i am, do you think i'm putting too much pressure on being a friend? I don't think so, from my opinion, i think i can do so much more for a friend than being "just friends". That's how i categorize as friends. If there's no requirement, i could say you're no more than a stranger to me.
Sigh, you probably can say i'm still regretting the chances i was given to express myself in the real life since holidays started. There's alot of things i don't know about you guys/girls, I have no idea what's Jo Ann's background is like such as family and school stuff, heck, i don't think i know about much her true self. That was an example as to what i refer to as knowing friends, not just some surface stuffs, something that would make me someday, call you by saying "Yo~~ girl, long time no see~~ *high fives*.
Sure, i can know you through blogs, msn, facebook as long as it's internet, i can know a person so much that i think we've met and talked with each other before about our lives. Well i just got one thing to say is that , knowing something through internet or virtually, just doesn't feel right. There was once a short phrase i remembered, from some animation i think which is simple yet loving to hear.
"I may already know you're name, but i want you to tell me with you're own voice."
Though, that doesn't mean communicating through internet is a waste of time, i see it as a way remaining contact with friends, not as a way of really bonding with the person you're talking to. I could talk for hours with some girl or guy in MSN, in the end when we meet in real life, it'll be awkward to talk rather than just write when we're already comfortable with this method of communication and still remain complete strangers in real life.
I could say a thousand things about how i should treat a friend.
At the end it really just depends whether or not, you want me to be you're friend.
All that effort i went through would've been for naught, if i was merely a classmate to you or in other words, a stranger that's just in the same class with you. Which, i try not to think of that way, cause everyone doesn't immediately become friends just by talking.
Friends/Classmates i haven't much talk to, to name a few, Ah B, Stan, Jo Ann, See Wei, Lee Tat, Michele, Chew Teng and a lot of others. Not because i don't want to, but because i'm a "waiter", i wait for the right moments which, pretty much hasn't worked. Why? because i'm afraid i'd messed up; say something wrong or say nothing at all, which leads me to the solution of "Just Screw it and Do it.", no further explanation for that.
You can say i'm narrow minded, thinking that only through things that are "real" will i be able to make friends but one thing shows that i'm not always like that.
I still use videos and pictures to "communicate" with people. And i'm using a blog to express these feelings and opinions rather than telling a real person. Heh.
You can never have no regrets in you're decisions, it's how you gonna make out of it in the future that counts.
Wait again, or die trying to change?
PS: I just have to say this cause it's really annoying. Being overly curious of every single crap people do/write/think doesn't mean you're considerate for the person, it just means you're being a f*cking retarded busy-body, that's all, again, just remember when you busy-body and ask sensitive things in the PUBLIC, hohoh, i won't scold you, just remember that i'll give you a pissed off face and you'll know what i'm swearing about in my mind. Note, a person with a brain would know how to differentiate between busy-body and considerate, if you can't well i'll just pity you.
Don't ask me anything sensitive in the PUBLIC. period.
But i have to look at myself first.
Demanding, a bad trait i have, one of the reasons i hate myself but trying to control and change from such behaviour.
The behaviours would complex because it depends on my mood.
a) If i'm in a bad mood, i rarely give a damn about others, however, because of that i stay from people, to cool myself down.
b) If i'm in a good mood, i think about others, but at the same time, wished acknowledgement from what i do.
I liked to keep it simple with just two different moods cause this is not always certain for me. Anyways, from the looks of it, it's quite similar between the moods, they both still think for others. I have no problem avoiding people when i'm in a bad mood. But how would i justify the desire to be remembered of what i've thought and done for others?
Sometimes i wonder, how much would a friend know that i can sacrifice both time and energy for him/her?
I have no idea what you were thinking when i helped you, when i talked to you, was it merely just a chat?
Do you know how much effort it takes for this mouth to open and vomit out words?
I find talking the most hardest for me and when i "talk", i mean really talked. I rarely make a conversation work with friends.
The most i get out of conversations is normal greetings of the sort "Hi, how are you?". Not in full sentences to boot; which probably makes me either cold or annoying to talk to, wouldn't the people that had talked to me agree? I find myself annoying when i look at the videos, i mean how the hell did i end up here with friends anyway? It doesn't make sense.
It truly doesn't make sense for me, it's unbelievable for you to say that it's because through other means, i made friends. But i ask you this, who are the guys/girls that are close to me which we bonded solely through videos or pictures? I have to be honest to myself, i'm not feeling it, through virtual reality, the words you wrote, i can't feel it, no matter how emotional you wrote it for me. I don't see you when you're writing it, i don't see you're true expressions on you're face, how you'd laugh or smile when i tell a joke or because of the videos i made. I always believe your words are true, but there's no feelings attach to the truth from the way you expressed it.
I think i just expressed how demanding i am, do you think i'm putting too much pressure on being a friend? I don't think so, from my opinion, i think i can do so much more for a friend than being "just friends". That's how i categorize as friends. If there's no requirement, i could say you're no more than a stranger to me.
Sigh, you probably can say i'm still regretting the chances i was given to express myself in the real life since holidays started. There's alot of things i don't know about you guys/girls, I have no idea what's Jo Ann's background is like such as family and school stuff, heck, i don't think i know about much her true self. That was an example as to what i refer to as knowing friends, not just some surface stuffs, something that would make me someday, call you by saying "Yo~~ girl, long time no see~~ *high fives*.
Sure, i can know you through blogs, msn, facebook as long as it's internet, i can know a person so much that i think we've met and talked with each other before about our lives. Well i just got one thing to say is that , knowing something through internet or virtually, just doesn't feel right. There was once a short phrase i remembered, from some animation i think which is simple yet loving to hear.
"I may already know you're name, but i want you to tell me with you're own voice."
Though, that doesn't mean communicating through internet is a waste of time, i see it as a way remaining contact with friends, not as a way of really bonding with the person you're talking to. I could talk for hours with some girl or guy in MSN, in the end when we meet in real life, it'll be awkward to talk rather than just write when we're already comfortable with this method of communication and still remain complete strangers in real life.
I could say a thousand things about how i should treat a friend.
At the end it really just depends whether or not, you want me to be you're friend.
All that effort i went through would've been for naught, if i was merely a classmate to you or in other words, a stranger that's just in the same class with you. Which, i try not to think of that way, cause everyone doesn't immediately become friends just by talking.
Friends/Classmates i haven't much talk to, to name a few, Ah B, Stan, Jo Ann, See Wei, Lee Tat, Michele, Chew Teng and a lot of others. Not because i don't want to, but because i'm a "waiter", i wait for the right moments which, pretty much hasn't worked. Why? because i'm afraid i'd messed up; say something wrong or say nothing at all, which leads me to the solution of "Just Screw it and Do it.", no further explanation for that.
You can say i'm narrow minded, thinking that only through things that are "real" will i be able to make friends but one thing shows that i'm not always like that.
I still use videos and pictures to "communicate" with people. And i'm using a blog to express these feelings and opinions rather than telling a real person. Heh.
You can never have no regrets in you're decisions, it's how you gonna make out of it in the future that counts.
Wait again, or die trying to change?
PS: I just have to say this cause it's really annoying. Being overly curious of every single crap people do/write/think doesn't mean you're considerate for the person, it just means you're being a f*cking retarded busy-body, that's all, again, just remember when you busy-body and ask sensitive things in the PUBLIC, hohoh, i won't scold you, just remember that i'll give you a pissed off face and you'll know what i'm swearing about in my mind. Note, a person with a brain would know how to differentiate between busy-body and considerate, if you can't well i'll just pity you.
Don't ask me anything sensitive in the PUBLIC. period.
15 June 2010
Confined with dilemmas.
Am i the only one to lead this?
Am i the only one to plan this?
Am i the only one taking the first steps?
You probably can say i'm overly paranoid now.
But seriously, are we planning on going for a trip?
I haven't made up my mind about where and when, neither the others have.
We just ignore and told ourselves - "In due time, not now."
I'm just really worried, i had my doubts but nothing like right now.
Things are going to change, am i trying too hard to strengthen this bond?
Problems with date cause of different schedules.
Problems with transportation cause of the amount of people going.
Problems with dealing the procedures.
But the problem right now, is because i'm doubtful.
Should i just give up on changing for others? Why should i when others aren't? If only if there is some kind of comfort and motivation right now..
Maybe i'm really just paranoid, maybe it's a little too early to worry about this.
But, what if it's already too late....? I wish someone could too, start taking the first steps to lead, i feel unprepared for the role, but i must still take them, for others.
Leo - A person fill with unsettled feelings every single day. I'm impatient because of my feelings, ughhh i hate being selfish yet thoughtful.
Am i the only one to plan this?
Am i the only one taking the first steps?
You probably can say i'm overly paranoid now.
But seriously, are we planning on going for a trip?
I haven't made up my mind about where and when, neither the others have.
We just ignore and told ourselves - "In due time, not now."
I'm just really worried, i had my doubts but nothing like right now.
Things are going to change, am i trying too hard to strengthen this bond?
Problems with date cause of different schedules.
Problems with transportation cause of the amount of people going.
Problems with dealing the procedures.
But the problem right now, is because i'm doubtful.
Should i just give up on changing for others? Why should i when others aren't? If only if there is some kind of comfort and motivation right now..
Maybe i'm really just paranoid, maybe it's a little too early to worry about this.
But, what if it's already too late....? I wish someone could too, start taking the first steps to lead, i feel unprepared for the role, but i must still take them, for others.
Leo - A person fill with unsettled feelings every single day. I'm impatient because of my feelings, ughhh i hate being selfish yet thoughtful.
14 June 2010
Beer does not rhyme with Bear.
This can of beer, it shall be a symbol of departure from A-Levels, it shall be my farewell to the past. I welcome the new me, the coming days, the LLB period. For when i pour this alcohol down into my throat, i shall be free from lies, bury the despair, sorrow and anguish.
I give a toast to anyone who sees this, for the people you will miss, you'll never meet again, you've hated and loved.
KANPAI~~~!
Is what i wrote on facebook. No, don't worry, i can't get drunk by just drinking a can, the bloods only pumping a bit faster that's all. Anyways, hahah, what am i suppose to write again? Oh yeah, about the Friday BBQ.
Remembered when Junior gathered Jan & March group together and talked how he felt about each one of them briefly? Since he won't be meeting them for a long time, or maybe never.
Yeah, lets just say it wasn't what has expected, but what he did, no one could've have the balls to do, the truth.
Much respect to him. Anyhow, which comes to my point, when the hell are we going to say to that person, that you either hate that guy, or love and respect him with from the bottom of his heart? Not a chance, right?
Well, i'm one of those person. So how?
Since i'm semi hazed from this beer, why not? Heheh.
I'll just make it so simple that either the average guy will know what i'm talking about or so simple, only you'd understand.
Things i've always wanted to say.
For privacy reasons, i will not give out the names, just use your imagination if you wanna guess who i'm talking about, i won't be bothered if you assume it's you, even if it's really you.
Male
Whatever you did, you did it too directly, but straight to the point, i like it. You're one of a kind, i'll be looking forward in meeting you again in the near future. Just don't stray too far from what's important, k? Frustrate less, just f*ck it and forget it.
Male
I owe you everything, want a leg? i probably throw in others too, but seriously, one day i'll payback 10 times to whatever you've done for me, you'll always have someone to lend a hand or an ear. Stay healthy, stay happy, stay high, as always.
Female
I've always complained about your extreme narcissism, not that i'm gonna say i'm wrong but, that's who you are, no one will be able to change that and i don't that part of you to change. Keep taking pictures of yourself, i want updates on how weird you look during this holidays, hahah.
Male
You're a good friend, bro, i just want to see the future you're seeing right now but it's hard, i hope you're prepared for anything. Worse comes to worse, we'll be always there when you need us, supporting you all the way. Stay safe and and always be yourself, ok?
Female
I would tell him to take care of you but i don't think that's case now, huh? I hope you understand how much he's sacrificing for you, i won't be able to forgive you if anything happens to him which is due to you, got that? I see you have the power, use it wisely, and a word of advice, don't get carried away.
Male
It's obvious you're slowly avoiding us, i don't disagree with what you're doing, you have you're reasons, but no matter what, we're still you're friends, just don't rub too much of it in our faces, or you'll be the one going to be that's hurt by the most.
Female
Sometimes i just don't understand you, but i can never help you if you don't let me, or anyone else. You'll stay the same, not because of what you are but what you are thinking and the decisions you make. There's much i don't know about you and because of that, i can't help or understand about something i don't know.
Female
Well if i want to say it now, i would say i liked you, i guess at first, the lesser the time i see you, the more i miss you, but i guess in the long run, you're nothing but another crush that i hate having. You'll still be someone i'll forever remember though. More or less i won't be able face you in the eye anymore if i ever see you again, but i hope you can at least spend some more time hanging out with the others, you're neglecting them, and i don't really like that.
Female
All i can say is, you're really better off being just "surfaced" friends with guys. I can understand the reasons, you're background, you're past, which f*cked you up real bad. So i wouldn't say you're a bad person, neither i would say you're clueless of the things you do. Like whatever he said, better improve yourself, but highly unlikely as you, "wouldn't" realize that now, would you?
Male
You're pretty much a pussy to me, not much to say, you get what you wanted in that moment of time, now you'll go through it, hopefully like a man but i don't think that's the case now, huh?
Female
God, the only thing i want to say is, whatever you do or say, doesn't really show any consideration for either other people's situations or feelings, i know you don't know how heartless sometimes you sound, whenever i make sarcasm about it, you practically think i really was just being sarcastic. But, anyhow, i can't do anything about it unless i risk our friendship by saying this in a way that i maybe misrepresenting myself, you're still a good friend nevertheless, albeit selfish though.
Others
Can't really say much about others, since i don't really have anything particularly hateful or loving about them but, just to say out a few things who these "others" might wanna hear.
1. I just don't like to get to know you, because i know enough not to.
2. I just don't like you're face.
3. I maybe just interested about you, if you know what i mean, but don't really think it's worth saying.
4. You're a friend, that's all we had been for so long, i want to know you better that's all.
5. You rarely talk to me, i don't think i have much to say about you.
I don't know how to end this, hmmm, maybe end this with a last gulp from this can?
Anyone who reads till here, grab a beer and drink it with me now.
Cheers to A-Level, to us, to LLB.
13 June 2010
You helped me create memories, i help you remember them.
I think most of us, if not, maybe only me, i some how kept ignoring that things are going to change after this examination. Yes, i certainly agree examination was a pain in this arse but when you think about it, what happens after a few weeks that we finally get our hands on freedom, what's the catch?
This time, just ignoring the fact won't do much, moving on is the hardest thing I can do now.
I won't say much, because it still hasn't happen yet, it would be really, really, really damn depressing to go through this holidays feeling like that. However, i've always asked myself, what's it going to be like after A-Levels? Will things ever be the same again? Will things be as cheery as before? Will we be able to move on?
20 - 15 - 10 ---- The numbers slowly decreasing, i've noticed it, but it happens just too slowly to give a damn about what's gonna happen next. The process of separation had already begun, when? i don't know but i do know, the process of moving on was inevitable afterwards. We can't stick together all the time, that's the cruel truth that i'll have to swallow after LLB starts.
Although you're moving on towards the people that are around you now,
know that, i'll stay a bit behind, why?
Because i'll make you remember,
the memories that we were together,
last forever in visual data form.
That's payback for moving on.
Truthfully, i had my doubts, i was afraid this is not gonna work, making videos was just a way for me comfort myself and the reality of it is that non of you really give a damn. All i can feel is fear when i think this really was what's going to happen, i feared i would loss myself to anger, regret, despair if it was true.
But, what happens the first time, will never happen again. I was immature and selfish, that was all it takes to loss friends that where i could find at no other place. With this two months or so, i'll do it for free, as in free of thinking it as a job. I'll make each and everyone of you, remember that what happened this one year together, cannot be replaced by anything, cannot be compared in proportion, it'll be something for you to remember, remember it visually you will.
Long story short, exams are over, happy about it, happy about the BBQ, already missing you all, i love you all, will be restarting Season 2 again with new opening/ending scenes, hope we stay in contact and be friends no matter what.
08 June 2010
Few not so random facts about me towards you. [Important to me]
[Off Topic] Likely this post was initiated by Yannie's recent blog post which i think has no relations what so ever. However, it made me want to randomly talk about something important. It's about me and the way i think and act around you.
Is this excitement? Is this regretfulness? Is this nostalgia? Is this lost?
It's really hard to put in words what i'm feeling right now, cause i don't even know how to think about it.
One explanation would be i'm facing a challenge that has two related sub-categories right now.
The thing that always come up to me is about my maturity.
In terms of growing to an adult, i think i haven't, most of myself. I'm not independant enough as i would see it, which makes me feel like shit around people. How so? i'm not sure, what's the requirement of being matured? Do i meet any of the requirements so far?
1. Secondary school friends, i'm sorry.
Trying to figure out this as i type, so does maturity require one to be able to solve their own problems in life?
Have i solved my problem by neglecting my secondary school friends the past few months? In truth, some have been contacting me, i have rejected their invitations multiple times, at those times i gave excuses; more or less it's about me being busy with studies which to a certain extent, both true and untrue. In actuallity, examinations and assignments were always around the corner so i can never truly have free time to go out with you guys, that's half of the truth, the other have is that i've abandoning my secondary school life, slowly.
It was easier to go out with college pals rather then going for yam cha at night when i had come back home dead tired, either because of almost 6 hours classes or i just stayed at college to study all day long. Weekends was only the days i spent at home fully, the only time i'm with my family. After a couple of months in college, i grew more attached to this lifestyle which i i feel like i don't have any friends other than the ones i currently meet on a daily basis.
So how, i'm facing a dilemma; i got two options, i spent less time at college, severely affecting my grades, or trying to contact friends which had first neglected you?
Yes, explaining why i said that first. You see, ever since the beginning of 2009, the secondary school life i pictured which would have been having friends that would stick with you like super glue as if i would still have that same bond being maintained. On the sad contrary, it wasn't for a person like me that shuts his pie-hole 90% of the time. I was really naive and immature and clueless, the more i thought about the times i gave my all to maintain "Uncommon Myths", the more it hurts to see it's happening, without me. I thought through picutres and videos, i was strengthening the bonds between us, and you know what? it worked, the only thing missing is, i wasn't in the pictures or the videos, it was just them.
During the period of late year of 2008 an the beginning of 2009, i called them out, had hang outs. It was still fine back then, we were still close, until i stopped calling them out, why, because things were changing, excuses were made, i was fed up about having to call out but rejected again and again. Then the neglecting began, anytime there was an event, be it someone's birthday or a karaoke session, there seems to be a gap that's emerging between me and them. It's all my fault though, i was the one who started abandoning, i gave up bonding with my effort, and then the usual quiet person that is me just implies even more of it. Sigh, can you imagine how it feels to not talk for whole hang outs sometimes? It's just humiliating and sad. Ironically the ones that are not so close to me would talk more than the ones that are. I can blame no one but myself, i was immature at that time and look what that has resulted from it.
I do regret about it, but, things like this are just what i was destined to go through by my actions.
It seems life without me, is the same any how for them, i've done my part of trying to make bonds, and they are as strong as ever as i can see in the pictures in Facebook. I'm a bit sad that i can't be a part of them right now, I can't deny the fact that what i felt during my secondary school days, was really joy, all it matters was back then, that friendship was true for me.
Once in a while though, i'll personally visit you all when the time comes, we are still friends, no one can erase that, even if we are separated. In the end, i chose my present life, have i met the requirement by this act? or by just admitting something like this, it only proves that i'm a coward that can only do this in a blog?
2. A second time?
I really hope, there won't be a second time for my college friends, if it happens again, i don't know what'll happen to me, i've put my soul into my videos and pictures. Sometimes i do wonder why i go all out for my current friends, but am i really being nice and friendly to them? I'm really worried being quiet around them is still ok like the time i was with my secondary school friends.
It's really one of those things i can never guarantee for certain, but if i don't hold on to anything, what am i left with? I just have to have faith, i just have to keep believing in them, i have to give true friendship another shot. I want to prove what i've done so far was not in vain.
I can find 10 ways to express how grateful i am to have all of you in college right now, but no one has ever talked about what happens after a-level. I don't we should ignore it, we're going to be separated, most of us aren't going to be together forever, we have to do something about this; MSN, SMS, call each other, facebook each other, twitter each other, hang out with each other, take trips together, we have to grab all the chances we can find now or we will regret it later. I don't want my past brought upon us too, you all are too precious to me, i'm not lying, i'm telling the truth, i love you guys, i want us to have this bond holding us together no matter what, till death do us part.
I may sound immature now, but this really means a lot to me, your friendship is all i want, i can have a loving family that is always supporting but friends are always behind your back; friends cannot replace family but family most certainly cannot replace friends too.
3. The love of my life, or just my hormones acting up?
There's nothing much to say about this one, i really want forget about her and move on and think about chasing others. But, damn... she's stuck in my mind, like it feels i can never get her out. At the same time though, i wouldn't go far on this, it's too uncertain, cause i'm trying to like another girl, it's hard. I'm always at a lost ever since then, i shouldn't have let it out in the first place, it was probably nothing but a simple crush before i told it to somebody, and it made me think too much for my own good.
So far this is something i haven't solved for months, unable to do anything about it. I've tried everything to erase her from my heart, but damn, almost everthing reminds me of her. The things that remind me of her would be the videos i made and the pictures i've taken, but the most easiest of all, was just by going to college. College, because it reminds me of all the great times i have. It reminded me a lot of things, friends most certainly.
To think the first crush i had when i was Form 5 was really bad, hell was i so wrong. This one's like cancer, the longer it stays, the more it grows, curing with radiotherapy would just reduce it, not remove it. God, i sound pathetic again. Am i really immature about this? I must be a real fool if i'm not, a fool trapped by his own heart. This part of life is not in my jurisdiction, i can't control it, i'm just emotionally weak, i know that, my mother knows that. Because of it, she's worried i would not be able to withstand any heart breakers and is one of the reason she forbids me from having any relationship before i finish my studies.
When the hell am i going to get sick of her. You wanna know what level of craziness for her i am right now?Currently, I don't care if she's older than me, i don't care if she swears, i don't care if she say she's ugly, she's gorgeous.... i just don't care about anything else but her.
This is not romantic, it's just friggin creepy, arghhhh.
Maybe i just need something to fill this empty void, it's been empty for 5 or 6 years... how much longer?
Is this excitement? Is this regretfulness? Is this nostalgia? Is this lost?
It's really hard to put in words what i'm feeling right now, cause i don't even know how to think about it.
One explanation would be i'm facing a challenge that has two related sub-categories right now.
The thing that always come up to me is about my maturity.
In terms of growing to an adult, i think i haven't, most of myself. I'm not independant enough as i would see it, which makes me feel like shit around people. How so? i'm not sure, what's the requirement of being matured? Do i meet any of the requirements so far?
1. Secondary school friends, i'm sorry.
Trying to figure out this as i type, so does maturity require one to be able to solve their own problems in life?
Have i solved my problem by neglecting my secondary school friends the past few months? In truth, some have been contacting me, i have rejected their invitations multiple times, at those times i gave excuses; more or less it's about me being busy with studies which to a certain extent, both true and untrue. In actuallity, examinations and assignments were always around the corner so i can never truly have free time to go out with you guys, that's half of the truth, the other have is that i've abandoning my secondary school life, slowly.
It was easier to go out with college pals rather then going for yam cha at night when i had come back home dead tired, either because of almost 6 hours classes or i just stayed at college to study all day long. Weekends was only the days i spent at home fully, the only time i'm with my family. After a couple of months in college, i grew more attached to this lifestyle which i i feel like i don't have any friends other than the ones i currently meet on a daily basis.
So how, i'm facing a dilemma; i got two options, i spent less time at college, severely affecting my grades, or trying to contact friends which had first neglected you?
Yes, explaining why i said that first. You see, ever since the beginning of 2009, the secondary school life i pictured which would have been having friends that would stick with you like super glue as if i would still have that same bond being maintained. On the sad contrary, it wasn't for a person like me that shuts his pie-hole 90% of the time. I was really naive and immature and clueless, the more i thought about the times i gave my all to maintain "Uncommon Myths", the more it hurts to see it's happening, without me. I thought through picutres and videos, i was strengthening the bonds between us, and you know what? it worked, the only thing missing is, i wasn't in the pictures or the videos, it was just them.
During the period of late year of 2008 an the beginning of 2009, i called them out, had hang outs. It was still fine back then, we were still close, until i stopped calling them out, why, because things were changing, excuses were made, i was fed up about having to call out but rejected again and again. Then the neglecting began, anytime there was an event, be it someone's birthday or a karaoke session, there seems to be a gap that's emerging between me and them. It's all my fault though, i was the one who started abandoning, i gave up bonding with my effort, and then the usual quiet person that is me just implies even more of it. Sigh, can you imagine how it feels to not talk for whole hang outs sometimes? It's just humiliating and sad. Ironically the ones that are not so close to me would talk more than the ones that are. I can blame no one but myself, i was immature at that time and look what that has resulted from it.
I do regret about it, but, things like this are just what i was destined to go through by my actions.
It seems life without me, is the same any how for them, i've done my part of trying to make bonds, and they are as strong as ever as i can see in the pictures in Facebook. I'm a bit sad that i can't be a part of them right now, I can't deny the fact that what i felt during my secondary school days, was really joy, all it matters was back then, that friendship was true for me.
Once in a while though, i'll personally visit you all when the time comes, we are still friends, no one can erase that, even if we are separated. In the end, i chose my present life, have i met the requirement by this act? or by just admitting something like this, it only proves that i'm a coward that can only do this in a blog?
2. A second time?
I really hope, there won't be a second time for my college friends, if it happens again, i don't know what'll happen to me, i've put my soul into my videos and pictures. Sometimes i do wonder why i go all out for my current friends, but am i really being nice and friendly to them? I'm really worried being quiet around them is still ok like the time i was with my secondary school friends.
It's really one of those things i can never guarantee for certain, but if i don't hold on to anything, what am i left with? I just have to have faith, i just have to keep believing in them, i have to give true friendship another shot. I want to prove what i've done so far was not in vain.
I can find 10 ways to express how grateful i am to have all of you in college right now, but no one has ever talked about what happens after a-level. I don't we should ignore it, we're going to be separated, most of us aren't going to be together forever, we have to do something about this; MSN, SMS, call each other, facebook each other, twitter each other, hang out with each other, take trips together, we have to grab all the chances we can find now or we will regret it later. I don't want my past brought upon us too, you all are too precious to me, i'm not lying, i'm telling the truth, i love you guys, i want us to have this bond holding us together no matter what, till death do us part.
I may sound immature now, but this really means a lot to me, your friendship is all i want, i can have a loving family that is always supporting but friends are always behind your back; friends cannot replace family but family most certainly cannot replace friends too.
3. The love of my life, or just my hormones acting up?
There's nothing much to say about this one, i really want forget about her and move on and think about chasing others. But, damn... she's stuck in my mind, like it feels i can never get her out. At the same time though, i wouldn't go far on this, it's too uncertain, cause i'm trying to like another girl, it's hard. I'm always at a lost ever since then, i shouldn't have let it out in the first place, it was probably nothing but a simple crush before i told it to somebody, and it made me think too much for my own good.
So far this is something i haven't solved for months, unable to do anything about it. I've tried everything to erase her from my heart, but damn, almost everthing reminds me of her. The things that remind me of her would be the videos i made and the pictures i've taken, but the most easiest of all, was just by going to college. College, because it reminds me of all the great times i have. It reminded me a lot of things, friends most certainly.
To think the first crush i had when i was Form 5 was really bad, hell was i so wrong. This one's like cancer, the longer it stays, the more it grows, curing with radiotherapy would just reduce it, not remove it. God, i sound pathetic again. Am i really immature about this? I must be a real fool if i'm not, a fool trapped by his own heart. This part of life is not in my jurisdiction, i can't control it, i'm just emotionally weak, i know that, my mother knows that. Because of it, she's worried i would not be able to withstand any heart breakers and is one of the reason she forbids me from having any relationship before i finish my studies.
When the hell am i going to get sick of her. You wanna know what level of craziness for her i am right now?Currently, I don't care if she's older than me, i don't care if she swears, i don't care if she say she's ugly, she's gorgeous.... i just don't care about anything else but her.
This is not romantic, it's just friggin creepy, arghhhh.
Maybe i just need something to fill this empty void, it's been empty for 5 or 6 years... how much longer?
06 June 2010
I tolerate your nonsense, you tolerate my nonsense.
I have always thought that i will eventually release every bit of me in here one day, sometimes i feel it's near to that day, sometimes, not so much. There just seems to be an endless cycle of feelings for all of us, have we ever thought of why.
I don't have the answer, maybe we're controlled by the laws of nature, maybe we're just too use to it, we find it comforting for us. I just find those reasons annoying and complicated.
Since that day, it is inevitable that those past feelings linger, but still, i introduce more in my life. That really just indicates i'm not committed to be in any relationship, wanting to satisfy both my needs and a girl's needs, just says that i'm still content with being single, being single meant to me that the feelings of, 'i'd be the happiest guy in the world when i both find satisfaction for myself and the girl eyeing on', just screams of immaturity.
Time is so slow that it is enough for me to change my mind and feelings right after the next week. So slow that i can think about many options i have with a person i want to know better and be with. I think too much, too far in the future, too clear on the consequences, too scared to take any action about it though.
My mind now, there's two girls, hmmph, maybe later there would be three or even more than i can apprehend right now. Either i'm just desperate for attention, or i just have no where, no person , no time to talk things like this, i agree about why people will don't ever talk or write something like this, you have no choice to keep most of your secrets to yourself. However, for me, i've said almost everything about myself in terms of my feelings about facts, it's always hard nevertheless.
I hate people being ignorant about the process of their acts, that's a fact, but insensitivity, we all have it to some extent, if i was that kind of person, i wouldn't had bother inviting you for the activities, because i think a lot before i act in order to satisfy the majority, when i may find myself trying to avoid saying something hurtful and quickly use another way to express it; when i see people just criticizes someone and gives no advice, when i see someone just ignores the majority's feelings and decides on her own accord, that feeling of slapping some hard sense to her is always there no matter what, yet as a friend i tolerate her, the ones' that were hurt by her words, her actions, tolerates her too, because not like her, we have manners, we are friends, but most importantly we have a heart that's connected to the mind.
To tell the truth, i really, really, really hate it when people stops me or anyone from speaking in cantonese which we won't be fluent in, what's your f*cking problem? So what if i suck at using the language, does it give you the right to push my face down to the ground and stepped on? More so i don't think you're grasp of the language is any better than a Chinese from Hong Kong. If you speak to a chinese from Hong Kong in Cantonese and he understands and f*cking laugh at you, only then i might listen to your gibber jabber how bad my cantonese. Hey, at least we're trying to learn how to use it, some of us are not raised by our parents and at the same time using cantonese to speak for your information, how else are we going to learn, by you demotivating us? Do you think being able to speak cantonese gives you the right to be a jerk? F*ck you all who has looked down and made fun of us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)