[Off Topic] Likely this post was initiated by Yannie's recent blog post which i think has no relations what so ever. However, it made me want to randomly talk about something important. It's about me and the way i think and act around you.
Is this excitement? Is this regretfulness? Is this nostalgia? Is this lost?
It's really hard to put in words what i'm feeling right now, cause i don't even know how to think about it.
One explanation would be i'm facing a challenge that has two related sub-categories right now.
The thing that always come up to me is about my maturity.
In terms of growing to an adult, i think i haven't, most of myself. I'm not independant enough as i would see it, which makes me feel like shit around people. How so? i'm not sure, what's the requirement of being matured? Do i meet any of the requirements so far?
1. Secondary school friends, i'm sorry.
Trying to figure out this as i type, so does maturity require one to be able to solve their own problems in life?
Have i solved my problem by neglecting my secondary school friends the past few months? In truth, some have been contacting me, i have rejected their invitations multiple times, at those times i gave excuses; more or less it's about me being busy with studies which to a certain extent, both true and untrue. In actuallity, examinations and assignments were always around the corner so i can never truly have free time to go out with you guys, that's half of the truth, the other have is that i've abandoning my secondary school life, slowly.
It was easier to go out with college pals rather then going for yam cha at night when i had come back home dead tired, either because of almost 6 hours classes or i just stayed at college to study all day long. Weekends was only the days i spent at home fully, the only time i'm with my family. After a couple of months in college, i grew more attached to this lifestyle which i i feel like i don't have any friends other than the ones i currently meet on a daily basis.
So how, i'm facing a dilemma; i got two options, i spent less time at college, severely affecting my grades, or trying to contact friends which had first neglected you?
Yes, explaining why i said that first. You see, ever since the beginning of 2009, the secondary school life i pictured which would have been having friends that would stick with you like super glue as if i would still have that same bond being maintained. On the sad contrary, it wasn't for a person like me that shuts his pie-hole 90% of the time. I was really naive and immature and clueless, the more i thought about the times i gave my all to maintain "Uncommon Myths", the more it hurts to see it's happening, without me. I thought through picutres and videos, i was strengthening the bonds between us, and you know what? it worked, the only thing missing is, i wasn't in the pictures or the videos, it was just them.
During the period of late year of 2008 an the beginning of 2009, i called them out, had hang outs. It was still fine back then, we were still close, until i stopped calling them out, why, because things were changing, excuses were made, i was fed up about having to call out but rejected again and again. Then the neglecting began, anytime there was an event, be it someone's birthday or a karaoke session, there seems to be a gap that's emerging between me and them. It's all my fault though, i was the one who started abandoning, i gave up bonding with my effort, and then the usual quiet person that is me just implies even more of it. Sigh, can you imagine how it feels to not talk for whole hang outs sometimes? It's just humiliating and sad. Ironically the ones that are not so close to me would talk more than the ones that are. I can blame no one but myself, i was immature at that time and look what that has resulted from it.
I do regret about it, but, things like this are just what i was destined to go through by my actions.
It seems life without me, is the same any how for them, i've done my part of trying to make bonds, and they are as strong as ever as i can see in the pictures in Facebook. I'm a bit sad that i can't be a part of them right now, I can't deny the fact that what i felt during my secondary school days, was really joy, all it matters was back then, that friendship was true for me.
Once in a while though, i'll personally visit you all when the time comes, we are still friends, no one can erase that, even if we are separated. In the end, i chose my present life, have i met the requirement by this act? or by just admitting something like this, it only proves that i'm a coward that can only do this in a blog?
2. A second time?
I really hope, there won't be a second time for my college friends, if it happens again, i don't know what'll happen to me, i've put my soul into my videos and pictures. Sometimes i do wonder why i go all out for my current friends, but am i really being nice and friendly to them? I'm really worried being quiet around them is still ok like the time i was with my secondary school friends.
It's really one of those things i can never guarantee for certain, but if i don't hold on to anything, what am i left with? I just have to have faith, i just have to keep believing in them, i have to give true friendship another shot. I want to prove what i've done so far was not in vain.
I can find 10 ways to express how grateful i am to have all of you in college right now, but no one has ever talked about what happens after a-level. I don't we should ignore it, we're going to be separated, most of us aren't going to be together forever, we have to do something about this; MSN, SMS, call each other, facebook each other, twitter each other, hang out with each other, take trips together, we have to grab all the chances we can find now or we will regret it later. I don't want my past brought upon us too, you all are too precious to me, i'm not lying, i'm telling the truth, i love you guys, i want us to have this bond holding us together no matter what, till death do us part.
I may sound immature now, but this really means a lot to me, your friendship is all i want, i can have a loving family that is always supporting but friends are always behind your back; friends cannot replace family but family most certainly cannot replace friends too.
3. The love of my life, or just my hormones acting up?
There's nothing much to say about this one, i really want forget about her and move on and think about chasing others. But, damn... she's stuck in my mind, like it feels i can never get her out. At the same time though, i wouldn't go far on this, it's too uncertain, cause i'm trying to like another girl, it's hard. I'm always at a lost ever since then, i shouldn't have let it out in the first place, it was probably nothing but a simple crush before i told it to somebody, and it made me think too much for my own good.
So far this is something i haven't solved for months, unable to do anything about it. I've tried everything to erase her from my heart, but damn, almost everthing reminds me of her. The things that remind me of her would be the videos i made and the pictures i've taken, but the most easiest of all, was just by going to college. College, because it reminds me of all the great times i have. It reminded me a lot of things, friends most certainly.
To think the first crush i had when i was Form 5 was really bad, hell was i so wrong. This one's like cancer, the longer it stays, the more it grows, curing with radiotherapy would just reduce it, not remove it. God, i sound pathetic again. Am i really immature about this? I must be a real fool if i'm not, a fool trapped by his own heart. This part of life is not in my jurisdiction, i can't control it, i'm just emotionally weak, i know that, my mother knows that. Because of it, she's worried i would not be able to withstand any heart breakers and is one of the reason she forbids me from having any relationship before i finish my studies.
When the hell am i going to get sick of her. You wanna know what level of craziness for her i am right now?Currently, I don't care if she's older than me, i don't care if she swears, i don't care if she say she's ugly, she's gorgeous.... i just don't care about anything else but her.
This is not romantic, it's just friggin creepy, arghhhh.
Maybe i just need something to fill this empty void, it's been empty for 5 or 6 years... how much longer?
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