Demanding but considerate.

I've always preach about a person should be considerate of other peoples' feelings and situations.

But i have to look at myself first.
Demanding, a bad trait i have, one of the reasons i hate myself but trying to control and change from such behaviour.

The behaviours would complex because it depends on my mood.

a) If i'm in a bad mood, i rarely give a damn about others, however, because of that i stay from people, to cool myself down.

b) If i'm in a good mood, i think about others, but at the same time, wished acknowledgement from what i do.

I liked to keep it simple with just two different moods cause this is not always certain for me. Anyways, from the looks of it, it's quite similar between the moods, they both still think for others. I have no problem avoiding people when i'm in a bad mood. But how would i justify the desire to be remembered of what i've thought and done for others?

Sometimes i wonder, how much would a friend know that i can sacrifice both time and energy for him/her?
I have no idea what you were thinking when i helped you, when i talked to you, was it merely just a chat?
Do you know how much effort it takes for this mouth to open and vomit out words?
I find talking the most hardest for me and when i "talk", i mean really talked. I rarely make a conversation work with friends.

The most i get out of conversations is normal greetings of the sort "Hi, how are you?". Not in full sentences to boot; which probably makes me either cold or annoying to talk to, wouldn't the people that had talked to me agree? I find myself annoying when i look at the videos, i mean how the hell did i end up here with friends anyway? It doesn't make sense.

It truly doesn't make sense for me, it's unbelievable for you to say that it's because through other means, i made friends. But i ask you this, who are the guys/girls that are close to me which we bonded solely through videos or pictures? I have to be honest to myself, i'm not feeling it, through virtual reality, the words you wrote, i can't feel it, no matter how emotional you wrote it for me. I don't see you when you're writing it, i don't see you're true expressions on you're face, how you'd laugh or smile when i tell a joke or because of the videos i made. I always believe your words are true, but there's no feelings attach to the truth from the way you expressed it.

I think i just expressed how demanding i am, do you think i'm putting too much pressure on being a friend? I don't think so, from my opinion, i think i can do so much more for a friend than being "just friends". That's how i categorize as friends. If there's no requirement, i could say you're no more than a stranger to me.

Sigh, you probably can say i'm still regretting the chances i was given to express myself in the real life since holidays started. There's alot of things i don't know about you guys/girls, I have no idea what's Jo Ann's background is like such as family and school stuff, heck, i don't think i know about much her true self. That was an example as to what i refer to as knowing friends, not just some surface stuffs, something that would make me someday, call you by saying "Yo~~ girl, long time no see~~ *high fives*.

Sure, i can know you through blogs, msn, facebook as long as it's internet, i can know a person so much that  i think we've met and talked with each other before about our lives. Well i just got one thing to say is that , knowing something through internet or virtually, just doesn't feel right. There was once a short phrase i remembered, from some animation i think which is simple yet loving to hear.

"I may already know you're name, but i want you to tell me with you're own voice."


Though, that doesn't mean communicating through internet is a waste of time, i see it as a way remaining contact with friends, not as a way of really bonding with the person you're talking to. I could talk for hours with some girl or guy in MSN, in the end when we meet in real life, it'll be awkward to talk rather than just write when we're already comfortable with this method of communication and still remain complete strangers in real life.

I could say a thousand things about how i should treat a friend.
At the end it really just depends whether or not, you want me to be you're friend.
All that effort i went through would've been for naught, if i was merely a classmate to you or in other words, a stranger that's just in the same class with you. Which, i try not to think of that way, cause everyone doesn't immediately become friends just by talking.

Friends/Classmates i haven't much talk to, to name a few, Ah B, Stan, Jo Ann, See Wei, Lee Tat, Michele, Chew Teng and a lot of others. Not because i don't want to, but because i'm a "waiter", i wait for the right moments which, pretty much hasn't worked. Why? because i'm afraid i'd messed up; say something wrong or say nothing at all, which leads me to the solution of  "Just Screw it and Do it.", no further explanation for that.

You can say i'm narrow minded, thinking that only through things that are "real" will i be able to make friends but one thing shows that i'm not always like that.
I still use videos and pictures to "communicate" with people. And i'm using a blog to express these feelings and opinions rather than telling a real person. Heh.

You can never have no regrets in you're decisions, it's how you gonna make out of it in the future that counts.
Wait again, or die trying to change?


PS: I just have to say this cause it's really annoying. Being overly curious of every single crap people do/write/think doesn't mean you're considerate for the person, it just means you're being a f*cking retarded busy-body, that's all, again, just remember when you busy-body and ask sensitive things in the PUBLIC, hohoh, i won't scold you, just remember that i'll give you a pissed off face and you'll know what i'm swearing about in my mind. Note, a person with a brain would know how to differentiate between busy-body and considerate, if you can't well i'll just pity you.

Don't ask me anything sensitive in the PUBLIC. period.