OctobeReally Bad. [October 2010 Summary]

There's still two more days before it ends but i don't think there's gonna be interesting stuff happening so, for the sake of remembering what happened this month....

My October 2010 Summary


1. Sprained my knee during my first badminton session with college buddies. It has been a week and it hasn't recovered yet, still hoping.
2. Climbed almost to the top of Broga Hill, first experience in climbing, first to vomit in front of my friends in midst of climbing, love it anyways.
3. Get to be more close with a few friends, i think.
4. My work progress in the prom is reaching it's destination, less than a month before it ends.
5. I have piles of videos need to be taken care of after prom.
6. I went to get my acoustic guitar refurbished, probably going to start practicing again.
7. Haven't progressed in wargaming much due to having a life but have painted a few things.
8. My studies still seem mediocre despite constant assignments piling up, will try to do better.
9. Played a few games, liked most of them.
10. Started playing Backyard Monsters probably this month but have to thank Yannie for getting me addicted.
11. Missed dancing and moving around properly.
12. Been more than month since i started to talk to the person mentioned in last summary, wish i could write more about this topic but i would like to keep it to myself and just see where this is going.
13. Still single..? yeah sadly.

Report on single status


Currently stable but the urge to find that person is reducing, mainly because i haven't and don't know how. Who's the right person? I don't think i have been interested in ones that my parents have deemed suitable for me. But i agree with them, to some extent, i contradict myself with my standards, then what's the point in having standards when you're easily blinded by love? It just doesn't feel right when i think practicality in loving someone. Which really really annoys me, every time i think "hey, that girl's nice", "BAM!", they'll definitely be able to find something wrong with her. What i would think the reason would be though, is that they are overly-protective and will say anything to deter me from going any deeper.

Which resulted in me giving up on the idea of providing effort into chasing someone i'm interested ; adding that i put more importance on studying.

Which i guess, i'm just wishing pure love existed, no strings attached to it, no monetary or practical benefit from the relationship, just understood that we love each other, and being considerate of each other is all it mattered, forever and ever. At this age, this is the only possible way for me to truly love someone and believe that person truly loves me too, not my money or anything that'll benefit her in practical sense.

Hahaha, a man can dream about it, right?

It fills the void i guess, thanks.

Has there been a day i am not busy since late August 2010?
Can't really hate my life after mid of September.
My life's kinda exciting and fills up my time, it made me forget about that lingering emptiness and loneliness.
Full of drama and exploring between myself and my friends,
After this prom, i guess i will still continue to find something to work with,
either directly or indirectly,
it is inevitable that it will affect my studies but i am able to plan ahead something i never gave much thought.

Still unable to freely move my right leg, really annoys since it has hindered me to do a few things properly or literally aren't able to do. But i guess whatever life's give you, you face it.

Sure, some friends had gotten distant, but i realized it always has been, just that i had mistaken we have became close. Since i understand my nature; my quiet self, it doesn't really matter if i wasn't able to talk to certain friends, i acknowledged that it won't help in bonding but it won't worsen our friendship anyway too, of course unless if the opposite gives such understanding too.

Well, i guess some people can only become good friends, while some can be close. It really just depends our willingness to share feelings and understand one another through conversations. Though part of me just wishes we could share our feelings just by looking one another.

Though it really bugs me sometimes when i'm always the one asking the sensitive questions albeit i'm the quiet one. Makes other people think i'm busy body or something. What i can say though is that guys aren't keen on sharing personal feelings, they never seem to have much soul in them except for a few. But then again, it's impossible for me to get into such talks with girls, usually because the image i give out to girls is that i don't give a damn about other girl's worries or feelings. Limited college time doesn't help either, msn feels too emotionless and remote when such discussion arises. So, do i have the determination and nosiness to ask the questions? because all i wish to know is how are my friends are doing and concern of their views of issues. I probably have that hidden determination somewhere, just need to spontaneously bring it out.

To be honest, not many of my friends are coming from Year 1  for the prom, acceptable reasons were given, but all those reasons would've been applicable to myself too, even if i was not one of the prom planning committee members, i would still go. Why? easy, if i was just attending the prom, my reasons would be to come and support my friends who have contributed in making the prom a success, it's not often that one of us get to do something this huge. Do you really think we're doing this solely for college? have you ever thought the committee did their best because they wanted to have their friends enjoy a special night?

I gotten my motivation first to do this is because i thought i could put my skills to impress my friends, to 'wow' my friends. Guess most of that motivation was lost when most of them didn't want to go. I don't think i give a damn about the college, it's not my friend, i'm not doing it for the college, but for the people around me. Another reason would be because friends from Year 2 won't be enjoying the next year's prom, because they won't even be in Malaysia. So for myself, i don't think i will want to attend the following one, it doesn't give much meaning as to attending the upcoming one.

This is how deep i feel for this prom, sure from practical viewpoint, it doesn't make sense to attend this prom when you already attended one last year, well it doesn't make sense to think practicality in my viewpoint. Save a few bucks, save a day's study time or save it for the last; yeah, it's worth disappointing your friends who really only wanted you to come and not someone they don't know.

crippled, but i won't give up.

Another unlucky day, first it was uneasy feeling in my stomach, and now, there's a sprained knee.

Seriously attempting to exercise, not one is without an accident or happening.
Now i'm crippled, right leg can't move too much, have to recuperate for a lengthly time.
I have so much to do yet because of this, i might have to cancel doing a few of them.

I'm i that pathetic?
This hasn't happened to me for a long time.
Why is it happening consequently now?

At the back of my mind, i am suppose to be the one whose helping the weak, but seems like i'm becoming one.
Screw this, i'm not giving up, i'm a guy for crying out loud.
If i have to impress a girl, i'll have to break a few bones, spill some blood if that is what it takes.
Because i want to show i can take care of people, take care of myself, not the other way round.




It's not that i don't appreciate your help, i just don't want you think i'm pathetic.

There's always gonna be another hill.

Basically what i did this Friday 15th of October i went to Broga Hills with this bunch of college friends in the morning, which was about 5.30 we started to walk, and probably a bit more than half way through the way to the top, i was super exhausted, and when everyone was waiting for ol' me to catch my breath, which i never seem to before the most embarrassing thing in my teen life happened,  i started to throw up around the bushes where we were resting in complete darkness with only the flash lights some of us were carrying.

Threw up two times, thought i can hold it in, then the third time comes, and all that meal from the Mc Donalds came all out to the floor. Wasted RM4.75 and most of my dignity. Truthfully, i didn't think it was going to be a really hard climbing up to the hills, more or less i thought the path was gonna be wide and not too steep, well all the more opposite from what i had expected, for me it felt really difficult just by looking up the hill when i was going up with the others, the only light source was torchlights so it adds up to the difficulty in determining how to make every step up an inch or two.

Regardless, all that i had went through, was worth sitting down on that rock and looking at the magnificent view. One thing that's good about this trekking, is that i didn't think much, the only thing that mattered was everyone's survival and how am i able to get through this. But embarrassingly, it turned out everyone was more concerned about me. At that time i truly wish i was more stronger, even the girls helped me, i was just so disappointed at myself.

What am i gonna do about it? Well, i'll just have to wait till my legs are pain free again, i guess i used pretty much every single strands of muscle in my leg to climb up and down the hill and they are still strained badly. It's not really a problem right now, but climbing stairs is still an annoyance to me. But i'll definitely do something about this useless body of mine, not gonna embarrass myself the second time, at least not entirely.

I had a lot of fun nonetheless, in a way i've gotten close to some of my friends in college, as i said, there's practically no time to bond during college times, but even though college's could be a cold place to be in, it's where and how we met each other.

[Short Story] The Young Monk and the Lost Couple

There was a young monk,
with thoughts of virtue, he could bring peace to himself,
and able to bring it to others too, or so he thought.

One day, when he was sweeping, at the entrance to the temple,
there was one couple,that was passing by.

The young monk, saw that the two, was arguing,
the air was felt uneasy.
He approached them, out of curiosity and kindness.

When the couple saw the young monk coming,
there was a moment of silence, but clearly,
silence was hard to maintain for that period.
The monk asked, the couple answered.

They were lost but both claimed to know where to go.
But, their methods were contradictory to each other.
The young monk remembered the three steps,
tolerate, accept and finally forgive,
If the couple could follow this,
they will eventually find their path back home peacefully.

But reasons were deaf to their ears, they have been lost for too long,
their emotions already gotten in the way, they fought for too long.
The young monk confused, why can't they be in agreement?
He was needed to make a decision, to side with one of them.
But he could not, at the end, he believed that it was not right.

Unfortunately, the couple decided to go separately,
finding their way back on their own, with anger and frustration in their heart.
The young monk, was saddened by what has transpired.
Logic was simple, it was virtuous to make the decision he thought.
But why couldn't the couple realize this?

Confused, the young monk turned to his master for guidance.
His master, old as a tree could be,  gave a fraction of his wisdom.

He said,
"Machines such as a computer, to best put it's function to use, follow simple logics, never strayed from it, never failed in it's purpose. Humans are no such thing, give him an apple, and he may eat it, he could give to someone, or even sell it. They are different from machines, because we do not just have bodies to function, but we have souls connected to, plainly said, both logic and emotions guide our actions."

"Then why had the couple not see this, why was i not able to make them realize?" The young monk asked.

"Young one, lives cannot be changed to for the greater good in less than an hour. In the things that people do in practical sense, they will surely make mistakes and most of the time improve themselves better."

"However, mistakes are realized when it's results are known, only by that time, one shall repent and improve. The mistake this couple made, was a behavioral one, it can be and will be realized by oneself, which sadly themselves, can best convince that their nature, can affect the level of their happiness and people around him."

The young monk could not fully understand what knowledge his master had bestowed upon him.
Until one day, one of the couple came to visit the temple.
Her looks seemed pale, her hand holding onto a child.
Her face suggested that she had gone through something bad.

It has been years, but the young monk finally understood, when the widowed came,
she was in regret and remorse of her eventual divorce with her husband.
She had realized her time with him was full of despair, frustration and anger.
And understood it was because she and her husband could seldom be in agreement,
anything she argued, was anything that didn't suit her.
Yet at that time she couldn't understand why her husband could give what she has mostly demanded.
Her life was unsatisfied, the more she demanded, the more her husband got angrier and fed up with her.
By the time when she realized if she wasn't demanding and egoistic,
her husband had already left for another women, leaving her and his daughter.

Now, even though she has nothing much left,
she is quite contented that she still has her daughter, it meant the whole world to her.
Even so, she regretted that if she realized that if she had not been arrogant, unforgiving and expecting of others,
her life could've been a happy one throughout.

After praying for her daughter's safety, they both left the temple to where they lived,
using her ex-husband's method.

A person's level of desire and self-centered, shows a person's level of happiness. The more you desire, the less satisfied you are, the more selfish you are, the more conflicts you'll encounter.

Please, as a friend.

Only some readers will know who i am talking about. After reading this, if you know who i am talking about, i encourage you to write your concerns to this person i'm talking about, by any methods, by any means necessary. It is best to show, we as friends, are clear that we mean no harm but to only to let the person know, our intentions is peaceful and only want the best for this friend.


I just wish you do not, in any way, do something that will be hurtful behind;
just be direct with how you feel towards this friend when your uneasy.


What i will write, does not concern one person only but it concerns to the general,
in some way you will feel that some similarities on the following points, are present within you too.

You know what i say,
will be about you.


Is life always hard?
Have you ever step down from being superior and look at things in a peaceful and equal way?


I'm afraid to talk to you.
Every word, every sentence i make,
i have to avoid making you angry.


But even so,
You're already angry with everyone,
who makes mistakes,
who has less understanding,
who has different views,
who has different ideas.


I couldn't ask you anything personal,
even though i'm concern about your well-being.
You never opened to others, yet others will open to you gladly.
Is that fair to friends, receiving but no giving?


I'm getting tired of this fear,
i'll never be able to understand,
because you don't let me.
Why do you mostly share feelings of anger and hatred to me?
Do you think i like receiving them?


To others, you may be the leader, the one who stands tall,
while others follow you.
To the closest of your friends, we know that's only the surface of you,
your despair and frustration; your sensitive side,
are just buried shallow enough for us to know it's there.


Even if people can not satisfy you're expectations, standards or rationality on things,
yes, they maybe wrong and cause consequences, but do they deserve to be hated?
Anyone would agree that when a person feels he/she is not in total agreement,
will talk about it to the person he/she is not in agreement.
Not keeping it from the person and tell it to somebody else,
it's unproductive, unnecessary and immoral.


Life is unpredictable, bad things happens, bad decisions are made.
If we accept this fact, we accept mistakes, which are steps to improve ourselves better.
So without mistakes, how is a person going to improve?
Human make mistakes, this is so common to everyone as we make mistakes in everything,
unless we have not done a single thing within our will.

This is a way of life, if you understand this, you would not get angry with what i have to say to you here,
you would understand that without putting on too much expectations on your friends, putting anger upon yourself and despise others so easily, life would seem so easier.
To be honest, i once was like you, yet what has it given me? i lost my trust with friends and eventually lost all of them, one of the reasons was because i expected too much in a friend.


If you continue to be like this, you're bound to lose more than you can chew.
I just hope you would be able to read this, because this is the only way i can carefully put my thoughts in a way no misunderstanding is present,
Have you always been like this? You've changed and not for the better.
As a friend and being me, i'm only willing to be neutral and able to advice through here because i'm no good with words in real life.








Please, as a friend.
I don't want to see you live your life this way,
i just wish you could enjoy more of your life and live with less conflicts.

You know what?

I just have to this, to tell this not just you but everyone that is in concern.

I received a message and i would liked to just say,

No amount of guilt can one like me right now can experience.
It's too late to say i'm sorry,
i just think i should've known better.

If anyone thinks i don't care about my friends feelings due to the previous post,
well you're right in some way, why?

Because people around me are changing, or more directly saying,
This may sound pathetic but yes,
since Junior left college, i don't have anyone helping me, be closer with my friends.
I've realized once it happens, i'll just be some guy who doesn't socialize as much as i used to.
But i still want to, which really frustrates me to see myself sitting there doing nothing.
To add in even more, due to my results, i don't bring my camera to college just for fun anymore.
Which just makes it even more harder for me.
Do you think it's easy to live my life without ever seriously talking to somebody?
Most people can easily have conversations to friends, i don't have the luxury of that.
I just can't seem to respond fully with my mouth, it's a habit of mine to think more than i should say.

It's hearbreaking, to know someone actually has been supporting me and have the courage to slap me in the face with this message. I can't be any more grateful for this person to open my eyes. I'm letting people down, and i hate the feeling of it.

So what i'm trying to say is, is that we may not talked much, but i still do care about what my friends are going through, it's just that i didn't take the initiative to ask, i usually just assume that they don't want to talk about it to me, because it's hard to position me to where i should be in your list. No one's comfortable talking about their personal lives, but it's just what i wish to share people i'm close with, face to face. However, it seems even the closest of my friends wouldn't do the same for me. I'm at a lost and the only place left for me, is here. It's where all my frustrations go, it's where i share my personal life, but again, it's hard for me to know you really read my posts and had given thoughts on it, until something like this was thrown into my face.

What more can i say? i haven't talk to anybody much these days so i guess i looked at things only in my way. No matter though, i don't plan on trapping myself in my own world, i wish to see our world as a brighter place to be in. I have all the things to look forward to recently that i might get carried away if i don't control myself. Life's only gloomy when i write it down.

People that i haven't really talk to much, hmmm i think most of you all are, but i nearly haven't spoken to Junior, See Wei, Jo Ann, Michele, Chester's group and friends from Marcus there in person. Yeah, when you take into account that i only have college friends now, i've only spoke to a few this past few two weeks. I hope in time will change that sad fact.

Jake's here to tell you, i'm sorry for not knowing and was too self-centered about my views and only mine that blinded me from what is the truth and what i should have always believe in. I love my friends, but it's both heartbreaking to not have been knowing they share the same feelings and to know some can't always be the close friends you once were.

You could just walk on your own. [September 2010 Summary]

Hmmm i guess i'm always looking forward to "month-ends", who really reads my blog, i can't be certain any other people than my friends, but one thing's for sure, since the beginning of it, i had 4000+ hits. Probably not really high considering it has been two years of blogging, though i get an average of 300+ per month hits now, don't know who comes here and read my blog, but thanks a bunch.

Part of my reason to blog is to have someone listen to me. Since day one of my blog, during that time i have no one i can easily talk about my life, usually friends are for this kinds of things, without failure of expressing it as much as possible. To be honest though, those days are coming back to a certain degree; though my physical self may have become a bit alone nowadays, i guess my mind has been free from solitude confinement ever since day one had begun. In some way, i'm ok with being alone again.

Haven't shared anything personal in real life ever since A-Levels ended. It does seem, even though WHIC had been made for so long, it's never gonna be enough to help me bond with friends in real life. Do i really know that's true? Hmmm, good question, i guess nobody actually sees how i go through my life nowadays, more or less it's because i sulked alot in this blog, who knows, people might actually think i'm an emo person which they are probably right to some extent.

This are not Sept's summary, just a few things i wanna clear up.

1. I don't socialize in real life, in a way that people won't think you as a friend that can be trusted entirely in terms of secrets and personal stuff. Because? don't know, maybe i blog about them / vigorously taken pictures and videos of them? Well, for anyone that is interested, i don't blog people's personal stuff, directly and clearly, usually i write enough ambiguity in my posts that only a selected few will know what i'm talking about when i give some minor details. Furthermore, i privatized albums/videos in Facebook, which in other words, i've blocked everyone except the people closes between you and i. Anything that's too sensitive to be shown in any form of content, i won't tell/show under any circumstances until the owner changes his/her mind otherwise. Conclusively say, i don't like misunderstanding between people, it causes unnecessary hate and frustration which i've constantly voice out this opinion of mine that simply hating a person for something that is still forgivable, is just stupid.

2. And leads me to say, why somehow, i've got nothing to talk about in real life, as i have written 90% of my life here. Not a good reason to be anti-social but i don't share personal stuff, is because people don't wish to tell theirs. Can't really emphasize much on my life about this fact, because since class started, no one seems to be suitable for this kinds of things no more.

3. I don't want to talk about this, because i'm tired of saying i'm alone/anti-social. I don't talk but i do have feelings, feelings coop inside of my head and only finally releasing to here. It's really saddening to watch friends talk between each other,  you just wish you were invited into the conversations; i've always believe it to be rude to invite oneself into somebody's business, so i've never been a busy body person in my entire life.


4. Another thing i realized is that i don't take the initiative to do things unless driven by interest or forced by something. Which i have incurred drastic consequences in my life. For what ever reason, i should not be spoon fed. Somethings just don't require thinking, you just have to do it, etc asking a girl out or in other words do something regardless of how unsure you are about it. A person that thinks too much? i guess it's going to be hard but nothing's done when you don't start trying. I'm always afraid of getting disappointed and sad in my life that i chose the safer paths, should've sooner known that i have been always disappointed and sad from time to time.

Enough of opinions and clearing ups, it's time for....

[My September 2010 Summary]


1. Classes started, friends changed, i'm back to square one, similarly only.

2. I've officially stopped regularly making WHIC episodes, but good news is i will still make episodes from the past, the only bad news is that i'm not going to take any pictures/videos at college that's all. Kim, unless i have some more motivation, i will put past WHIC episodes my top priority, but seems like most people don't bother about it and i have no interest in doing something people won't even appreciate my effort, note i have a higher standard of appreciation, not just "Like" the videos i've uploaded, i can do that myself.

3. My mum went to the hospital to get one of her failed kidney removed a couple of weeks ago, was one of the times i told myself to improve myself and strife better for my life and her to be proud of. Thankfully the operation was a success, although currently the wound my mum carries will not recover so soon since it was quite a major surgery my mum had. Been trying to take care of my mum while's living my life.

4. Busy with prom works/studies, but i can still go through all of it, little by little. Had fun, made friends, satisfied with life. What more interesting stuff has happened to me?

5.Tied in a game with Marcus, considered a remarkable achievement for me. Though i decided in my dream(really, it's true), that i'll paint all my army, then only i'll start playing again. I've got the necessary paints and brushes, i guess it's only right to prioritize this part of my hobby first rather than play an army that is growing but remain dull to look at. Expect a really colorful army, wargamers/readers, finishing sometime in November, most probably.

6. Continuously talked to this person in the internet for more than a week now, "quite interesting" is the best i can describe about this happening, just hope i'm not getting boring. Who doesn't like a listening ear that responds to you? One of the nice little things that happens in my life. Makes you wonder if it get's creepy if you step up a notch, ahh again with the thinking.



Well, those are the top things that happened in September, anything else might stray away from facts to merely opinions, wishing there could be more things in this month but i guess it's considered enough for me. I wonder what October is in store for me, abandonment of a friend perhaps? hahah probably not.

This is Jake, hoping my readers had a great September 2010 too.