How I feel about it.

Bad person? & Hobby Forge

The saying goes, "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.". I can do that in real life, but often I write more bad things more than I say.

I regret them but it just keeps happening. I wondered if technology adversely affects or something, it's supposed to help me socialise yet I abuse the method of using it.

There's also times I wonder if this side of me is inherently bad. This villain in me is only trapped from moving about in real life but the mind lets it loose to the virtual world, only in certain moments I can resist it's temptation.

But enough about that, I've already written dozens of different ways to write about my problem, I think I should take a break and pretend to talk about my recent happenings.

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Recently I...

Painted this (red ones)

Built and painted this.

And a bunch of small soldiers.

My life is not exciting I know, but keeps a negative thinking mind positive.

On weekends, I usually play my usual wargames with fellow players. It's not a great social community but one that it's at least a place I like to hang out.

I don't talk much about the place, huh?

Alvin, the Hobby Forge owner.

It's where I'd rather be since I don't fit well in any other place, except for home.

A trip there from Rawang takes about 15 to 30 minutes depending on traffic and how fast drive on the highway. It's fairly far considering what I do over there but worth it I guess.

This wasn't the first place I went to for my gaming needs, it was at a place filled with walking B.O.s.

I only played there once or twice, then the owner closed it because sales wasn't doing well? I'm not sure why but one thing's for sure is the service totally sucks balls. Stocks are not readily available and ordering from the owner is very unreliable, he just doesn't give you the sense of assurance as to what he says. It's a rather typical anti-social dump he considers a shop and a place to play.

But it's fine because it gave me the chance to search for other places and I found Hobby Forge. It's somewhere near Sunway Giza, whilst just across Tropicana Medical Centre.

I have only vivid memories of how I met Alvin and how it went on, it was to years ago, 2010. Though if I recall, I only came to check if the place existed and how was the owner and the shop itself. To my surprise, it's totally opposite of the place I first went. Clean, organised and well-stocked. Alvin is one of the friendliest person I've ever met, in terms of a customer and seller relationship, he's knowledgeable in his dealings, actually knowing how to play and paint is important in promoting his shop since he gets questions alot, unlike the guy I mentioned as he only knew how to paint and even that he has problems explaining to me on what to get to paint.

The people that knows him or the community at the place are mostly friendly too, albeit some are socially awkward and maybe too enthusiastic to their hobby. But I'd rather be as a fellow player than a friend since the only common thing we have is the hobby, other than that it's either difficult to truly socialise since we don't meet every week or so, OR they have rather 'extreme' interests that just doesn't interest me.

That said, they are friendly, as in they would help or teach you when you don't know something and won't be harsh when playing. Likewise, I myself after painting and gaming for sometime, I would advise the newer players too since I wish to contribute to the community rather than just leech from it.

In the past, I usually just came to play with Marcus, but since time past on, I took the next step and I played with other people. I've always thought I could only play with someone I knew but after a few games, this was called socialising. In some ways this had happened to be my getaway from reality.

Time continues, I knew more about the people there, including the owner and some of his close friends. Other then the hobby, I sometimes have dinner with the owner, usually at the mamak downstairs from his shop. However, it got repetitive to eat the same thing so he would suggest some place else. Though it seems to happen when there are less people and go with friends he's more close to. I guess it's just common courtesy since not inviting probably looks bad and just sad but it's not every time I accept the offer or anticipate one. There's one time he took me to a rather expensive looking place that sells mostly pork dishes, USA style. To my surprise he paid for the meal, I'm thankful for that.

The only girl I've ever seen came often to the shop was Alvin's girlfriend, sorry if I have to make a big deal of every girl I meet. They are older than me by 2 or 3 years by the way. I believe Janice, wasn't with him the whole time when I first met Alvin since I only see them got close recently. She looks timid and cute but surprisingly an anime cosplayer. She paints models but doesn't play, always seen walking about or just sits and paints at the corner of the shop. She sometimes can be seen staring, though I only notice that she does that to me or more often than other people, it kinda makes me nervous. One of the few people I talked with, briefly often in Facebook but nowadays, not much, I wanted to, but it's not right if my intentions were wrong.

Anyways, the shop. It's kinda sad that the miniatures the company sell increases their price every year and it's not cheap from the beginning, but Alvin finds small ways to deal with it even he doesn't seem to profit often. I'm not doing well financially, at least that's how I feel as the years go by. Even though I don't spend much on myself, it's my parents that does the spending on me. Regardless, I wish to support his shop in anyway possible, I even thought of helping him out with legal stuff once I become an experienced lawyer.

The shop has helped me a lot of going through this phase, if not I'd probably be sulking at the corner of my room every weekend as I have no where to be but just myself. 

It'll be life changing again as I'll go to UK for my final year. To say the least, I hoped someone I knew came with me to Aberystwyth, a bit selfish; someone I want to be with. Now I plan on joining clubs, the wargame club which I hope don't suck and the archery club.

Getting results today, don't really want to meet anyone in particular. Just want to get my results.

NEET no Keiryou

Sato Tatsuhiro, main character of 'Welcome to NHK'. To most of the extent, I'm similar to him.

He is an extreme hikikomori that thinks the world has a conspiracy against him.

Basically he doubts everyone's actions towards him and his own life. He would suspect a person is looking down on him even though the person was just walking by him or near him.

Well.. I'm not that severe but I'm close. It looks like my condition is that the more closer the person is to me, the more likely I doubt/think too much into. Opposite of Sato-san but same thinking, whatever the person is doing I think about what is going on his/her mind. If she's talking to me, I suspect she's just being polite, kind is not my first consideration, if I was being indirectly mentioned in a statement, I get worked up and think it means something bad etc..

But I don't suspect the closest persons in my life, my family. It just seems there's no reason to be because I know them too well. Yet I treat strangers/people I just knew far better than the people that I had texted/talked/chat often in the past. Maybe because there is no reason to doubt a stranger's opinion or thinking about me but care about the people that you wish to be close with in what they think of you.

But that 'care' is more destructive then constructive.

I know who reads this, internet is such a way gives you the ability to 'stalk'. I'm not angry that they don't just directly talk to me, I understand, at least the rational part of me. But as the 'Sato" side of me thinks, it's just sad and frustrating to talk to a double-sided mirror while you just hear whispers every now and then from the other side.

Then again, like a hikikomori, I live in the corners of my home most of my time. Just thinking about going out with someone generates tons of excuses in my head. Spending time doing things that generally had any significant goal in mind. Well, at least I don't smoke and live in my own filth like Sato-san.

Hah, sadly I'm not him, where he has Misaki-chan; in animes you'll most definitely be granted a way out of a problem. In this case it's the mysterious sweet-looking girl that is determined to help Sato-san and cure his hikikomori ways.

If only someone like that existed here.

Returning FB with a purpose.

Hard to admit it, but it's annoying most of the things in the internet require myself to have a FB account to do something more practical and convenient.

Note, anyone thinking about adding me, I'll only accept friend requests if you really wish to remain contact with me regularly. If not, I don't want my "social anxiety disorder" to escalate again. Even though I doubt anyone here meets that one requirement but I need warn people at least.

Empty Crowd.

Previous post is a bit too short. Isn't it?

Nevermind me, It's just reality sinking in ever deeper than before. I just went to Genting again.

For the few months I went for a 'vacation'. Nothing special, a bit dull to be honest but I get to see other faces.
The thing about me going someone where crowded, like everywhere in Genting, is that the only thing you will look forward is all the girls you can see. I would say glance but the amount of people coming and going changes that meaning.

"Pervert!" Is what you say. That's sexist and stereotyping nerds like me.
First, I'm single, I'm not in any obligation to resist. I'm not staring if you'd interpret the word "look" as that.
Attractive or not, you can say I observe the number of different looking people in this world.
It is endless yet somehow the same words pop up in your mind when you look at someone who looks entirely different. But the two words that attracts most of my attention were kind or prideful.

Observing is cool but you get bored afterwards and realise do their faces really matter? You suddenly compare the ones you knew or used to know; some looked similar but are two opposite personalities. Then I realised again, what the hell am I doing this pointless comparisons and judgements.

The world suddenly focuses on myself again, I'm here with my family yet my mind is of somewhere distant thinking of something irrelevant. Girlfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends. Is my mind so tainted as some of you would perceive it is, that I only think about love and that it's all it matters?

Such a simple thing to want, ironically I'm an easy-going person. A simple family of my own is all I really wish for, getting a paycheck for things is only necessary for that achievement.

*Too negatives stuffs deleted*

I don't like talking to guys with my problems, somehow girls are easier to be emotional with.
Hahaha, what am I talking, girls that I know doesn't understand half the time I'm talking about.

No one.

For real, there is the urge to try to text someone. But there seems to be no point to it. I'm curious yet afraid as what tomorrow would bring.

What's up. What's down.

Solitude is slowly creeping up on me again. Yesterday I randomly texted people, then I realised that I'm just finding a way to escape from it.

It just seems like an infinite loop denial and acceptance. I couldn't sleep for sometime, the feeling of alone was strongest at that time for some reason that it almost made me cry. I'm probably not a guy if I cry as often as I do with every emotional breakdown.

What's increasing this feeling is I've been cooping my room editing videos and painting but mostly the videos that's causing it. It feels like my whole life is these four walls. When I sleep, I'm still back to this room.

I can't help but think I have two slightly different personalities. One that lives for my family, and one for the other. They are trying to help the other side of me to cope this solitude but I subconsciously don't want them to involve with my sentimentalities. They can never cure that void in me, it just makes it bigger.

Walk between worlds.

Let's talk about dreams again since I have an imaginative mind, some of them makes an impression as to stay in my memory for sometime. While sometimes I momentarily mixed my real past with my dreams, if I were to talk more to people, I'd be afraid to recall memories to confirm something.

Today's dream wasn't very clear but I remembered two scenes.
The first one being a bit gory than usual, I was on the road with my family perhaps but the road was wet, probably there was rain before. The unusual occurrence were pools of blood and post-accidents on the road, frequently encountering them. It wasn't disgusting or scary, just confusing. I wonder why these odd dreams come out, I understand that when I often drove to college, I see a lot of accidents, road kills and ambulances. But why dream of it?

The second one was much more vivid but I was definitely arguing with a friend. This is much more of a 'confrontation' by my dream towards myself, It was basically about us not meeting each other for a while and we argued who was suppose to call to hang out. After waking up I realise the argument didn't make much sense though. I know for a fact I'm not ignoring my friends nor is that my friends are ignoring me. The dreams applicable to all my friends actually, so I wouldn't be wrong to say I'm especially close for a friend would confront me about the reason not hanging out with them.

When you have friends that have their lovers, it just can't happen.
When you have friends with closer friends, it just can't happen.
When you have friends in another country, it just can't happen.

I have other sorts of dreams too, some of them are action packed, probably due to the games I play.
Whilst some are just realities that is too good to be true but those usually are the ones that are the longest.
Dreaming of someone you like was your girlfriend and spending romantic evenings,
dreaming of trips to exciting places with friends you never thought would go with again.
Basically my version of a 'promised land'.

Often when I wake up I feel dread that I came back to the real world again. But I usually try to see how long I've been sleeping because I'm always worried I might one day never want to wake up. The longer I slept, the more likely the dream was really good and didn't wake up just because I wanted the dream to last longer.

I'm not sure if that's possible, but even though I don't really like it 'here'. It's where I really exist.

You complete my fate.

The OP for Ergo Proxy, plus the ED song - Radiohead - Paranoid Android are really nice songs. Monoral has become my most recent favourite band.

Although I like of genres that are probably polarized from each other, J-rock adds up most to my folder of songs. The wild sometimes peaceful nature of the music just expresses raw emotions from oneself. The drum, bass, guitar are the main instruments in a rock band and I find myself listening to them individually on each repeats. When you listen to them you just can't help it but bang your head to the rhythm.

I realised I can never fully enjoy music from popular songs or music in the radio. The least of the music I like are pop songs as they generally express emotions. Give or take a few songs I would like but that's about it, they get tedious and hard to enjoy for the third or fourth time of listening.

Quite frankly explains my instinctive dislike English pop songs which are mostly rap music. The problem is not because of the individuals in the group but because the music are without uniqueness. Music without creativity is music without emotions embedded within them. American rappers nowadays takes a cake in the ***; songs about sex, money, clubs, alcohol? Not to mention the kids from this generation listen to these songs.

On the contrary, I like dancing and because of that I find myself dancing to catchy tunes even if they are not meaningful, they are suppose to get you up, excited and ready to take over the world. Sadly such a situation is not often and more likely I just want to listen to music rather than jumping around like a robot all the time. Try getting into a traffic and listen to songs ft. Ludacris or ft. Pitbull everyday.

K-pop, I have given a lot of chance to it, even forced myself to watch MVs because I don't to judge based on just a few songs. One thing I can conclude is I'm only attracted to the girls wearing sexy/cute outfits and dancing seductively/cutely in them. It is without a fact they are really good singers but when I'm looking at them I can't distinct the voice and the catchy tune with it, maybe momentarily. It's not to say I'm perverted or something but that is the first that comes to mind, unless you just listen, then again they have sexy voices too.

Without understanding their background or the hardships they go through, on face value they are entertainers that can sing, dance and have great bodies. Then there are the boys, here I'm not attracted to guys so I can comment more fairly. They don't have that seductive/cute factors when they dance, it is more of power or sleek and smooth choreographs that boy bands pursue. Like their gender counterparts, they are really good singers too.

Then again, they are popular-trending music for the current decade, like all popular and trending music, there will be a time that they will fade in time and another genre takes its place. It is likely I'm just one of the few persons that considers music as the embodiment of emotions.

Classical  express emotions/stories without a single word,
Electronic/techno gives us a unique and modern way of expressing emotions,
50s~90s express the different emphasises in each decades.
Game & Anime OSTs lets you reminisce about that particular moment/scene/theme of the game.
Rock expresses the raw power/emotions in us.
Jazz/Blues express the feelings of cool/carefree/loving/jazziness/relaxing feel
Alternative* is where originality at its finest.

Artists and musicians make music, not music companies.

I think, therefore I am.. or you are?

René Descartes

I like being philosophical from time to time since some of the animes I watched contains them.

This particular statement of "I think, therefore I am" is quite interesting. It roughly means I exist because I think. Ergo Proxy, the anime that references this statement plays around it with religious influence. The statement is changed to "I think, therefore you are." is probably to state a god or deity's power to create life and matter in that world with a mere thought.

However, the "I" in the statement can also be myself; you only exist because I think of you. In a way, as I probably had blogged or contemplated about it,  everyone's existence is solely dependent on one's mind. This may impossible to be so for an individual in the modern society to comprehend since we learn that the world is much larger than just the Earth that we live in, but contradictorily, is it not because we think about that knowledge thus it exists?

The statement makes much more sense if it was illustrated in the older times where technology of communication is not where we are now and globalisation never came to our minds. Such a person would only know the world around him, he would not know there are other countries, the vast lands of the Earth or there is life beyond the borders of his mind.

Then again, what is the truth in the world's existence? Can you be sure that everything you know exists or were you deceived by something else? Descartes wanted to absolutely prove of something's existence without it made by a 'deceiving god'. The only thing that this god could not deceive about was his very existence since no matter how much one could  deceive your existence, if you are able to doubt your existence it is the very prove that you exist.

It also comes to the conclusion that this statement somehow is applicable to me, I suppose it is a bit literal in its 'effect'. Friends that I have only 'exist' if I think about them, most of the time when I don't, they practically don't. Hard to interpret on what I'm trying to express but how about this, take away your contacts list in your phone, delete your facebook/twitter or anything that easily reminds you of someone without much effort and see what you would think next.

If your friends rarely contacts you and you are as always doing something in your life but when you don't, you suddenly have the time to think to yourself. It is at that time when you do something, they do not exist and only when you think of someone, that person exists.

That's probably what's keeping me psychologically healthy, I don't want Facebook or anything to remind of their existence when it's not helping me in anyway positively. Solitude in this way is healthy, at least solitude from the lack of friendship. The few persons that I think of is probably, I believe who should remain in my mind, because they are probably important, why else would I think of them?