What's there to write?

January's coming to an end, it;s like each of the month i had felt really long, maybe because there was a lot of things happening day in day out. The fortune cookie i ate was kinda right, this year is going to be a happy one.

I would say my needs in this life has all been satisfied more than enough by my friends and family. Anything else that made me sad, probably i made it all by myself, there wasn't really much of significance in trying to win her heart, i would say i'm more rational than drowning myself with unmet love for her. I made a promise to my mum and i plan to keep it that way, she has already seen my brothers' fall and she doesn't want that happening to me too.

As much pain is currently in my heart, once a promise is made, it strengthens my determination. But it will never erase my mind of her, almost never would i miss a day of thoughts about her. My mind will always say no, my heart will always say yes, unfortunately, the mind controls my actions. If you guys know what i'm saying, please understand that i can't be chasing love, i will be putting my future with even more risks as it already has.

What's left i can do is just having hopes and dreams, doesn't matter what kind of temptation i would get.

College post, No.3 or 4?

25th January 2010

For some, this day would mean nothing, for other's it may mean a day to always remember but there's some wanted it to be a bit different.

AS results were out today, nothing would make your heart beat more like getting results for your examination. I would say, i had the same feelings when i got my SPM results, first there would be joy then there would a bit of sadness. As i said before, not really a day to fully celebrate for yourself when your friends didn't do well, it's just not that enjoyable when not all your friends feel the same way after getting their results.

That's why part of me wishes days like this will never come, you don't know whether to be happy for yourself or bear the sadness of your friends together but then again, i will not ease much of their pain when i'm not in the same situation. I just don't know what to do in this kind of situation, if i try to sympathise, i'd look like pretending; if i don't, i'd look boastful.

I hope you all that were down after today, will realise that it's not the end of the world. If you worked hard for your examination and don't get a good result that you had expected, i believe, fate will eventually reward you in another form that will help you get through your life. Never think what ever you have put in with all your effort, will be wasted.

Life has a rule, you giveth and shall be rewarded, no matter what form it takes.

Sometimes.

A week has past i think, seems like it went fast but i was busy the whole time i think, either with studying or just fooling around in KL. Most of the time i took pictures and scenes throughout the week.

I use the camera so often that i would feel lost without it. So often that i chained it to my pants, wherever i go, there would shots and films be taken. Sometimes i get the feeling people that are not so close around me may think i'm overdoing this thing. Seeing me just randomly taking pictures of friends, filming them, i can see why people may easily interpret my actions as trying to get attention from people around me. I don't blame them, well how many people are there that would film their classmates every week without fail?

Sometimes i just wonder why whenever i'm doing things out of the ordinary, i would feel people giving the wrong reasons for the actions i have taken. Though, that's why i would take some steps backward rather than full sprinting ahead whatever i like to do.

Sometimes i feel the videos i made don't really satisfy most of my friends. When i go to college, seldom would they talk about it; i only see comments in facebook. To be honest, what's fuelling my conviction to continue is because i merely think everyone's supporting me, non-profit services, purely free of charge. Then i would think about why some productions that aren't profit motivated would eventually dissolve. I really hope i can continue doing this even if i get married in the future. Because i have a dream, about a 3rd season and a 4th one, or maybe even a "What's Happening In London?" will eventually be made.

I don't want to brag about it but i just hope i will never lose my faith in this and trust my friends that they are using their inner-selves to support me even though they do not show it out..

I'm going to get killed by my random emotions, literally.

I've said before that i drive more recklessly now, no kidding, my way of driving is really different from before.

I don't know, when i drive alone, i feel i have a lot of freedom, but before this year, i was quite tamed. Now it feels like because i have that kind of freedom, i even put emotions into driving which nearly kills me every single time i drive now.

Just yesterday, i drive really fast but somehow really careless sometimes and almost knock people's rear end. I was thinking "Ok, i'm not doing that again." But then, right after that day, i almost hit a car as i didn't notice it was breaking and i stepped on the break panel as hard as i can until i can hear my tyres screeching hard with the road.

I was like, ok, it wasn't the guy's fault, i was literally day dreaming to myself. It wasn't lack of sleep because it's not getting any better even if i slept early. I'm not sure why, i haven't been myself when i am driving alone, i put raw emotions out and sang in the car until i'm satisfied. I guess i'm replacing crying with music and driving. I feel silly having emotions take control of me that easily, i feel like i'm a kid who always cry over things he can't have.

I guess 暗恋/ secretly in love doesn't cut out for me that easily, it's either do or die, literally. I just have to have it emotionally kill me or physically kill me and i think i prefer the first one. I just don't know how to suppress this feelings by myself anymore, if i can't i either let it move to the next stage because i just can't leave it hanging there, i can't give it up unless she gives me an answer, and i hope it'll be soon as i can't just force her, i can't just say it, it can't be that easy because i don't want to lose her even as just a normal friend.

Readers don't get worried, it'll probably take more than a car accident to kill me, in fact, i'm quite cautious since then so don't worry, i'm ok. Or am i?

方大同 - 愛我吧

別回答 別回答我 我愛著你也不能說 別回答 別回答我
我擔心你是否我太瞭啦 可時空變幻了這麼多 給了你我心中的王國
我不願一切就要跟你離開 隨著漩渦 漸漸沉沒
愛我吧 像是你的心不動 說完了 我都不想承認心痛
忘了吧 我也不能坐在這兒心掛 愛我吧 愛我吧

別回答 別回答我 我愛著你也不能說 別回答 別回答我
我擔心你是否我太瞭啦 可時空變幻了這麼多 給了你我心中的王國
我不願一切就要跟你離開 隨著漩渦 漸漸沉沒
愛我吧 像是你的心不動 說完了 我都不想承認心痛
忘了吧 我也不能坐在這兒心掛 愛我吧 愛我吧

凡人的無奈 像是一袋赤手的紅塵 這倒帶 消失的愛追不來 要去忍受
在笑顏後有難過的時候 古人曾經說過 知己難求
愛我吧 我還沒有得牽掛 說完了 我都不想承認心痛
忘了吧 我也不能坐在這兒心掛 愛我吧 愛我吧

Another night spent with a friend's house.

13th - 16th January of 2010

It's been a while again, which usually only means a week has past since i blogged some random thoughts. Sometimes i think the less i blog, the less my life has encountered hardship. I was pretty busy this week but nothing that frustrates me, at least it's a sign that shows that i am doing something other than just studying or staying at home though it has been a long time since i managed to have more time staying with my family.

On the 13th which was a Wednesday, there was movie watching, followed by a great lecture from Kumar and Naveena while the rest of the time was occupied by small hang outs and mathematics classes.

Friday was a day to be remembered for me, because one of us in our group which was Winnie, was leaving Brickfields for Help college, so the day after was her birthday, so some of us celebrated it by singing karaoke in Times Square. A bit regretful as there was only a few had time to celebrate with her, fortunately i had time because the maths class was over earlier. Probably the last few times i'll be meeting her, the same goes all others, we'll be missing her much.

Saturday, spent the night at Marcus' home as we had the weekend to assembling and playing miniature games. Quite excited actually to absolutely put time into just it. Met Kean Hoe once again in the afternoon, it's been a long time since we last met and even a longer time for the others. The three of us went to the nearby Tropicana Mall to watch a random movie which was Spy Next Door, the movie was corny but funny anyways.

All of these things really ease my mind about other things like "her", i guess now i'll be contented with what i have now. No point trying to do something when i'm given no chance to do so, but there's always hope. It's kinda weird to be saying this but quite frankly i can't really say them in such detail or directive in the real life. There's probably two things i have my mind think the most, it's either her or studying but probably 80% is her. I probably can't say it to her but i guess this is enough for me, which this way is better for both of us. It sounds so wrong to say it to other people but should i have been silent and leave it as if nothing has ever happened? All i can say is i'm satisfied with the current situation.

方大同 - 三人遊

Recently, i've been liking this guy's songs, Khalil Fong. Old songs but still good anyways, his songs can actually relate alot about feelings..

有些話妳選擇不對他說
妳說某種脆弱　我才感同身受
我永遠都願意當個聽眾
安慰妳的痛　保護著妳從始至終

就算妳的愛　屬於他了
就算妳的手　他還牽著
就算妳累了　我會在這

一人留　兩人疚　三人遊
悄悄的　遠遠的　或許捨不得
默默的　靜靜的　或許很值得
我還在某處守候著　說不定這也是一種　幸福的資格
至少我們中還有人能快樂　這樣就已足夠了

有些話我選擇保持沉默
別把實話說破　隱藏我的寂寞
妳的情緒依然把我牽動
躲在妳心中　角落的心事我能懂

就算妳的愛　屬於他了
就算妳的手　他還牽著
就算妳累了　我會在這

一人留　兩人疚　三人遊
悄悄的　遠遠的　或許捨不得
默默的　靜靜的　或許很值得
我還在某處守候著　說不定這也是一種　幸福的資格
至少我們中還有人能快樂　這樣就已足夠了

不知道　不知道　不知道
為什麼　為什麼　我的愛
我的愛還留不住妳的離開　卻總在　等待著妳回來

一人留　兩人疚　三人遊
悄悄的　遠遠的　或許捨不得
默默的　靜靜的　或許很值得
我還在某處守候著　說不它這也是一種　得不到的　卻美好的

至少我們中還有人能快樂　這樣就已足夠了
至少我們中還有人能快樂　這樣就已足夠了

Note: No real posts, i guess i'm quite satisfied with my life even though there's some things that doesn't go my way.

Easiest thing that can cheer myself up, videos.

10th & 11th January 10

Spent another two days on editing, to be frank, even though i could probably do something better than this but i pretty much enjoyed myself. To think i spent more than 12 hours a day to do this movie of us, i would certainly be stressed out, but i did not, in fact it cheered me up a lot more than just trying to get over it.

I simply just open up some random video of mine and watch it, with a giggle or two, i appreciate my life a bit more and cherish what i have now. Heh, to think watching my friends do silly stuff gets me off of those seriousness of this reality, i'm pretty simple minded. That said, i'm thinking of doubling my effort as a photographer/cameraman/editor, thanks for the support everyone, i'll do as better as possible each time, i promise i won't give up on the series because i believe by giving up on them, i had given up on my friends, i won't let you all down.

Sigh, i always wondered when will i ever bring out the me, which i could only express through here? The real me, looks really dumb when i try to converse to someone, words just doesn't seem to dance to my will like right now, they either make no sense or just down right silly. You may call me naive but i can't really improve by myself, i need, someone to help me; my family always teases me about my lack of social skill, i always manage to speak more towards my family but never to friends. I closed myself up with other people and i can't seem to open it myself, i need someone to help me nudge open that locked up heart of mine, anyway, anytime, anyone. I don't like the me now, i seem to treat people coldly even though i didn't mean to, i don't want people to get that kind of idea that i'm a really serious guy or something.

Requesting aid from someone, feels strange, maybe because i either wait for help from someone or just helped myself without bothering anyone. On top of that i hardly help others naturally or automatically when they need it. That's why sometimes, i feel like i'm a bother to people; either they always try to talk to me or try to want me to do something with them which i feel they shouldn't when all i've been doing is giving them the silence and dumb-look treatment to them.

You shouldn't be judging me differently after reading this though, cause it just doesn't feel right when i have been nothing but just some boring guy on the outside. I need to change, i want to change to someone better who can be of more than just a bother. Right now, i feel like i'm an immature, selfish, clueless fool who keeps on creating this virtual self-righteousness of me to be accepted by others.

With all that said, if your wondering, i'm quite fine, honestly; if i'm not ok, i probably post half-baked posts that makes little sense to people other than feeling despair in them. When you look into this post it stated rather just the facts about my thoughts and feelings in it.

In all my essence, what i'm trying to say is that i don't want people judging me from the inside and ignore that outer part which is more or less different from each other. I just hope they become one and the same not a wall and a door that separates them even though they are expressed freely in the form of virtuality and reality.

At least i tried, sorry bro.

7th January 10

I think i took too much naps each night but i get really tired when i get home, today was maths + tort class, had some fun and the tort class was much more interesting with Naveena. Though i guess i was pretty much emotional and deep in thoughts with myself this few days. Anyways, i brought it to myself so i just have to live on with it.

I seem to drive much more responsive now but at the same time more reckless i guess, hopefully it's just that i'm getting used to it and not according to feelings.

I was really stressed out that day, too many things were on my mind and it frustrated me to no end, head was really hurting so i fell asleep in the living room and damn was it hard to sleep right after that, my head was still throbbing but thoughts were going into my mind until a few hours(maybe) later i managed to get my to sleep. All that responsibilities, i tried to enforce it to myself and this is what happens. It's hard to get things off of my chest. Sometimes things just seems impossible to accomplish when all of the hard tasks and decisions comes together.

8th January 10

Suppose to be half a day of maths class but suddenly had been called by Kim to shop at 1U. I kinda feel bad for skipping maths class, i guess i wanted out subconsciously no matter what. I should say, longest shopping time ever in my life, there was Marcus and Junior too but Junior left earlier. Bad things about it? Not really, just that my feet were sore but nothing unbearable. A nice and cool time, window shopping all around, listening to cool musics from the shop lots, just chilling. I like this kind of shopping, different from usual. Gets my mind off of current happenings, i enjoyed doing just nothing.

Had an expresso in Nando's, didn't work on me, sadly, i was thinking it would help me stay up in the night and work on the videos. Thanks for the time spent on me though, i guess i really needed some time out from my moody self.

9th January 10

I think i can officially say i wasted a whole day's time on editing my brother's wedding videos, a lot of technical difficulties pop out as i try to fight it but in the end it's impossible to cure the incurable. Sigh, the whole family and relatives have been bugging me about it and now let them down when i have postponed it for so long. I really feel like crap after giving up, not that i haven't tried, i tried fixing a problem for a few hours without even any progress made. There's no way i can solve this issue on time.

Guess that leaves me on the things i can do now, the Melaka trip. I hope i finish this by Monday cause the series has been stopped for a long time and this supposed to be a movie should not be slacked any further.

Anyhow, i think i'm ok now, just that i'm not feeling as happy or sad now than before. Let's just leave them to time to solve.

三人游 - 方大同

三人游 - 方大同
作曲:方大同 作词:崔惟楷

有些话你选择不对他说
你说某种脆弱 我才感同身受
我永远都愿意当个听众 安慰你的痛
保护着你从始至终
就算你的爱 属于他了
就算你的手 他还牵着
就算你累了 我会在这
一人留 两人疚 三人游
悄悄的 远远的 或许舍不得
默默地 静静地 或许很值得
我还在某处守候着
说不定这也是一种幸福的资格
至少我们中还有人能快乐
这样就已足够了

有些话我选择保持沉默
别把实话说破 隐藏我的寂寞
你的情绪依然把我牵动
躲在你心中 角落的心事我能懂
就算你的爱 属于他了
就算你的手 他还牵着
就算你累了 我会在这
一人留 两人疚 三人游
悄悄的 远远的 或许舍不得
默默地 静静地 或许很值得
我还在某处守候着
说不定这也是一种幸福的资格
至少我们中还有人能快乐
这样就已足够了

不知道 不知道 不知道
为什么 为什么 我的爱
我的怀抱留不住你的离开
却总在等待着你回来

一人留 两人疚 三人游
悄悄的 远远的 或许舍不得
默默地 静静地 或许很值得
我还在某处守候着
说不定这也是一种得不到的 却美好的
至少我们中还有人能快乐
这样就已足够了
至少我们中还有人能快乐
这样就已经够了

Love and Study? It's like betting your life.

5th & 6th January 2010

First class this year, although it's my first class, i don't ever become unfamiliar or nostalgic with this place, i happen to always pass by it, whether i'm going to Time Square, you'll feel college is just around there, it was never too far or too close wherever i go, it seems all the road leads to it.

What it always does to me though, is it recalls all the friends i met, the college sort of, ties me up to it and to others too. What are they doing while they are not having class? I believe It made all of us think about a friend or two from time to time. It's good to know you're being thought of by someone.

I had some random karaoke too, with Chew Teng, Elaine and Ethel. Another weird experience again, first time went with girls only, felt so awkward that i can't really sing out loud that time. Argh, I'm still not used to this kinda stuff.. having three brothers is one of the reason why but i think i'm just getting out of the anti-social life, i want to adapt to this life, change my past self, which was a past only filled with myself and a lot 'what ifs". Still had a good time, thanks for inviting, managed to vent out some fumes cooped up inside me.

Was tired and immediately took a nap back home even though there weren't much of congestion, thank goodness. Next day seemed a bit gloomy, woke up with a feeling of heart that was still discontent about something i thought i had let go and be free of it, i guess it's still not as easy as before. I wonder why, my mind do not put feelings except for study as first priorities in my life but what i was preventing, was the very emotions coming from my heart. I fear love, yet it welcomes me with open arms, each time that red and soft warmth seems so pleasant that it could melt up my very soul if i just embrace it each time.

Everyone says they are fine when you try to ask what's wrong with them, well i guess i'm the same too, but honestly, I'm not ok at all, what's wrong with me? I feel.. nothing yet at the same time i do, blank feelings but something still.. seems to be there. This is not right, this is not wrong, should i listen to my parents? shoul i listen to my friends? ..cause i just can't understand myself anymore. I want this feelings to stay, yet again i don't want it. I haven't been thinking straight, i day dream when somebody talks to me, i can't say anything when someone asks me something. I'm totally lost. I'm truly lost and confused.

Feels like i post daily, hmmm, i really am.

Second day of 2010

First meeting a friend i have this year, which was Marcus and a few others of his today.

Had fun playing with them toys, ahahahah.

I wonder what holds for 2010 because it's going to be something really different from 2009.

What i can foresee would be, new class friends, less contact of express route friends, more contact with Marcus and his other friends cause of the game we would occasionally play every week, more studying, more assignment.

What i can't foresee would be, more exciting adventures like trips and events together with the BAC group, that's a bit blurry for me and probably for others too.

What i can try to do would be, maintaining our bonds with our videos, continue to contact through msn and facebook, try to plan a trip or event.

I just hope things will get better for this year, lets just hope we can have a much more memorable 2010 than 2009 even though its already one of the awesomest year for some of us.

I dunno why im blogging each day for now, i just feel something's bad about to happen or would affect our time together this year, hope it's just me always worrying too much, only hope.

Confused and lost, but still hopeful.

Love is full just of questions,

When does it begin?

Where does it end?

How does it remain?

Why does it exist?

Love is easy to be questioned,

but hard to answer.

Showing your presence,

My mind overflows with thoughts of you.

Listening to you,

My heart calms down by your voice.

But when i gaze upon you,

it trembles again with joy.

I wish tis' the same for you,

yet it is not, how it saddens me.

I walked some steps towards you,

yet you do not notice, how it frustrates me.

Is she the one?

Or are this thoughts of her,

Merely just an illusion of love?

There never seem to be a way to connect,

There was never an untied knot between us.

My past has came back,

it again pierces my heart everyday as before,

yet now, i will be having my future,

the chance of having my heart pierced ever deeper,

or it will finally help me destroy my haunting past.

What to be blame more than my heart,

that never seem to be strong,

and easily swayed by beauty.

I guess everybody's doing it, 2009 Summary

I can honestly and literally say that, as compared to 2008, 2009 is another really fantastic year i had. Alot has changed with just a few months time in college. What's there to say? When you remember most of the memories are so meaningful, life's really great when the good stuffs covers up most of the bad stuff in it.

So here's my sequence of my life in the year 2009 summarized.

1. After SPM, 4-5 months of holiday was cold to me but had fun with family nonetheless.

2. SPM results the most of anxious time of my life, glad the results were unexpectedly good, happy my parents and brothers were proud.

3. After that, it was college choosing time, at first i wanted to study biology or medicine but can't seem to find a suitable one as one scholarship would be given but studying in Russia for 5 years was kinda ridiculous.

4. Law, never thought i get interested in it until i got addicted to a lawyer-type of game, have to thank Pheonix Wright for motivating me thus far, im grateful to him, hah.

5. Brickfields Asia College, the best thing happened in my life is enrolling in it, without this college i think 2009 won't be as exciting as before, thanks to Uncle Tan for suggesting me to go to this college.

6. Orientation week helped and motivated me to study, thanks to Kumar the motivational speaker and now my contract lecturer, he's the best.

7. First 3 months were just geek studying, only had hi-bye friends then, wasn't as excited of making friends in college than now.

8. After those months, Junior, Marcus and Kean Hoe, didn't expect them to show me the hopeful light of true friendship, i'm never forgetting the first day we met in the English Language class, thanks to Ramon again for introducing.

9. May Jean, Kimberley, Mei Quin, Jo Ann and See Wei. Probably the first few girls that i talked to, huh pathetic but true, they also given me courage and some confidence too, i don't know what my social life would be like if i never met one of them.

10. As the group forms, more great friends gathered, Lee Tat, Stan, Andrew, Geraldine, Ah B, Michele, Winnie, Ethel, all different kinds of people but all have warm hearts.

11. A little bit of steamboat here, some lunch over there, a little bit of karaoke there and some window shopping right over here, enjoyed those little things in this year.

12. Not as challenging as SPM, studying was both fun and exciting with them all.

13. Starting to say "randomness" for sometime before it spreads to the whole group, so random.

14. Final exams, a dark time, not just because of the pressure, it was more than just racing against time with the exam papers but still something to be learnt of.

15. Finally prom night, most glamorous time of my life, everyone looked really good, especially the girls, they are sizzling hot, hah, was the most awkward when trying to pop to rock music, darn you people that formed a circle for us to dance, hahah.

16. Melacca trip, most tiring trip, and when a trips makes you drop dead when you reach back home, its going to be super-duper awesome.

17. Elaine and Chew Teng, another two girls that talks to me for just randomness, but cool anyways.

18. Maths class, the most relaxing class since the lecturer is more like a teacher and a friend, have to mention the shy groups too eh? Chester, Kin Sin, Kanimoli, Rainbow, Shu Yuen, Amala and Jugmeet, shy mathematicians that maths class not as boring as would have expected.

19. Christmas, first time transporting people starting from Rawang until finally reaching USJ to Geraldine's Open House, first time driving back home after midnight, most coolest day i had, a bit semi-blue christmas for though, that crush just comes back when i'm most weakest in heart, hah.

20. Eldest brother's wedding ceremony, expected to be really tiring but still bearable, was the cameraman for him and opened my brother's side of the door of the "flower car", really honoured and happy for him.

21. First time telling and sharing deep secrets to friends, a really really really weird experience, but nice nonetheless.

And finally, my simple yet fantastically special year comes to end with me spending the last day at home with brothers playing Maple Story, as usual. 2009 holds a lot of meaning to me and i will treasure for all eternity and of course, it is also the year i first start my blog, "Infinite Light, Travel Forever" yes, life is full of that bright light that shines upon our paths which seems to be a really long one, and therfore, i'm also grateful for myself to have created this internet journal of mine, so that i could be reminded of 2009 if i so ever forget when my life change and kept moving forward in life.

I welcome 2010, with hopeful mind and wishful heart that it will be another more exciting, more discovers, more experiences, more randomness for it to bring me as it starts today. Happy New Year everyone.