I'm going to get killed by my random emotions, literally.

I've said before that i drive more recklessly now, no kidding, my way of driving is really different from before.

I don't know, when i drive alone, i feel i have a lot of freedom, but before this year, i was quite tamed. Now it feels like because i have that kind of freedom, i even put emotions into driving which nearly kills me every single time i drive now.

Just yesterday, i drive really fast but somehow really careless sometimes and almost knock people's rear end. I was thinking "Ok, i'm not doing that again." But then, right after that day, i almost hit a car as i didn't notice it was breaking and i stepped on the break panel as hard as i can until i can hear my tyres screeching hard with the road.

I was like, ok, it wasn't the guy's fault, i was literally day dreaming to myself. It wasn't lack of sleep because it's not getting any better even if i slept early. I'm not sure why, i haven't been myself when i am driving alone, i put raw emotions out and sang in the car until i'm satisfied. I guess i'm replacing crying with music and driving. I feel silly having emotions take control of me that easily, i feel like i'm a kid who always cry over things he can't have.

I guess 暗恋/ secretly in love doesn't cut out for me that easily, it's either do or die, literally. I just have to have it emotionally kill me or physically kill me and i think i prefer the first one. I just don't know how to suppress this feelings by myself anymore, if i can't i either let it move to the next stage because i just can't leave it hanging there, i can't give it up unless she gives me an answer, and i hope it'll be soon as i can't just force her, i can't just say it, it can't be that easy because i don't want to lose her even as just a normal friend.

Readers don't get worried, it'll probably take more than a car accident to kill me, in fact, i'm quite cautious since then so don't worry, i'm ok. Or am i?