Summary 2011

  For once, I'm kinda glad this blog didn't disappear from existence, it holds 3 years of memories now as of today and tomorrow too.

  2011, probably my worst year, because it is the year I find myself grow much more mature, but it is through the cost of things dear to me. Are there things that truly worth remembering for this year? We will see as I refresh my memory through the posts I've made anywhere in the internet. There is a period of time I didn't blog, but I guess I fill in the gaps if my memory serves me well which I don't it will cause large part of 2011 is kinda blank. I do regret I spent almost half of this year in despair and the rest in solitude. But it is part of life's journey, sooner or later I have to taste the most bitterness of my inner and outer worlds.

without further words... lets take a look at...

January 2011


1. Was invited to Winnie's birthday party at a golf club. Was her temporary cameraman for the event.
2. Car broke down after the party. I had someone to chat with at the time, at least. Thought there was something.
3. Planned for and had the second CNY reunion dinner for the BAC bunch, much less people came for it compared to the first.
4. Mostly just solo college routine month, blog posts doesn't say much.
5. Made the first WHIC OVA episode. Reminisce your past if you want.

February 2011


1. It is CNY 2011 I suppose? Had BBQ with family members and made a couple of Kong Ming lanterns flew.
2. Reunion dinner, visit relatives, relatives visit etc.. All those CNY stuffs you would normally do.
3. Valentines Day, I gave out 10 packet of two Ferrero Rocher chocolates to 10 girls in BAC, including Ms. Nalina. Can't believe I forgot about this.
4. Eldest brother got us a Wii, life changed forever.
5.  More assignments and college stuff, i guess.
6. Refreshed my passion for wargaming.


March 2011


1. Things start to went down hill I guess. I deleted my twitter account.
2. Went to Putrajaya, original plan was to go for a hot air balloon ride, but went to Taman Botani for pictures.
3. I was even less sociable than before.
4. Sad news for disasters happening in Japan and release of Rebecca Black's song.
5. By the end of this month, I changed my blog to private viewing only and changed my blog address.
6. For the first time, I cried because of immense guilt.

April 2011


1. Had a really hard time getting myself back to studying for exams, but I eventually was able to.
2. A gathering to meet Kanimoli at Starhill.
3. Mostly just studying for exams I suppose.
4. Assignment results were up, I got pretty average results.
5. Trips were planned, never happened.
6. At this point I was still holding up is because she was still willing to hear me out.

May 2011


1. Exams were stressing me out. For my standard, I call it hard work.
2. My nephew, Terng Li An, was born.
3. Yay exams were over, went to KLCC for Pirates of the Carribean, must be the last draw for her.
4. Begins to finish the WHIC OVA episodes.

June 2011

1. In case you haven't watched the final episode, I actually secretly went outside of several people's homes to shoot the ending scene. It was awesome.
2. Was helping my brother working on wedding videos of his client, good pay - funded my wargaming models.
3. Was stressed out by having to help take care of my baby nephew.

July - September 2011


This is the period where I stopped blogging, for reals, I can't remember much what has happened during this period of time but based on my facebook activities,

1. I mostly just do my hobby stuffs.
2. Exam results came out, I repeat myself from my FB status, mediocre at it's best.
3. I went to Kuala Selangor during July, it was not for any particular reason If I remember correctly.
4. I slammed the car down on my index finger, was the pain of the year.
5. First time 'celebrating' Hari Raya, with the guys who share the same hobby as I do. Diarrhea the next few days.
6. Went to a gathering/karaoke session in September, classes were about to start soon.
7. Did I mention hardly anyone remembered my birthday?


October - December 2011

1. Here I explain why start blogging again, should be. But not as often I used to.
2. Again, not much has happened, all I can say is I'm living my life perfectly fine with almost without any interaction with friends.
3. Joined a wargaming competition in October, was the suckiest tournament I ever experienced.
4. I suggested celebrating Junior's birthday, oh did I mention no one was organising it, so a lot of people didn't come or was not invited? Just saying.
5. I regularly draw with my phone before classes start now.
6. Went to Look Out Point in Ampang with family members, one of the better days.
7. MaGaCon, a gaming convention I went to, easily one of the best times I had for the past couple of months.
8. Actually 'celebrated' Christmas this year, was thinking otherwise like last year. Went for karaoke and Kajang satey, even though I was sick; of course it got worse afterwards.

Thoughts and feelings about 2011.

  Generally, met a few more faces considering the whole year. Some things about me have changed, like I'm strangely more generous and charitable now whilst I'm still slow as a turtle to react to urgent situations. I'm a bit more independent, it's either forced upon me or I just make it feel natural, maybe because I need to prepare myself for my third year in UK.

  There's not much to say when it comes to it personally. I'm more open minded now but much more straightforward and 'just accept it' of an attitude. Love, is becoming something of less difficulty, specifically trying to show love to someone. It's always easier when you're much more accepting and ignorant of the results. I guess I'm naturally an average person, with average need. Do I really need to chase a  pretty girl that doesn't like me the way I do, and risk my efforts of being wasted; rather than having my efforts put on someone who actually likes me? It takes less effort but more certain on the aspect of her that she actually loves you.

  Whether it is a bad year or a good year, I still grow stronger, in the sense I'm less naive, less concern of petty things but more important and pressing matters. 2011 may be saddening, but it's another unforgettable year like 2010 and 2009, albeit for different reasons. I realise, as long as I get to the next day, I still have time to improve myself and get things right and done.

"2011, think you can beat 2010? Well, we'll know in time."

No, I guess you didn't beat 2010, huh. Much less 2009. But one thing is definitely true, is that 2012 will be a very different year indeed.

This is Jake, wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

To have a girlfriend now, or never.

I wonder if girls would go to lengths to get a guy they like to like them.

It is hard to know for certain but when they do, It won't be hard to tell.

Though when someone's not interested in  me, I find it really hard to get the feelings across to that person, because she may deliberately ignore or not even notice it.

Though I'm still single, I still think I can't commit. What troubles me the most is because of my third year, having the need to stay at UK for 9 months. What if I have a girlfriend now, and then we can't see each other for such a long time?

Though the apocalyptic believers have me thinking if humans' destruction is coming, It wouldn't really matter, would it. Just a thought.

Sickness leading to a weird dream.

Just gotta be quick before I forget this dream, strange thing is that it's probably the cause of my sore throat, almost half of the night i spend resisting and diverting my mind from the pain just by swallowing saliva. But once I got better, the dream starts.

Short dream, just that it was about the same as this one, only that someone created a 'dream system' that is in it's beta stages, I vividly remember the name of the server I joined, "Minornail" or something like that because I deliberately tried to memorise it.

I would guess (filling the gaps here) the system was designed to avoid the need for people to be physically be at another place far from where we are residing, but still required something like passports and vivas to be there. I'm saying this because I was probably at UK studying for my final year, strangely with some form of Japanese architecture throughout the buildings.

It was definitely fun, though I can't remember who the people around me were but they felt really familiar. There were virtual pets you can play with, the only pets I saw were one white and one black puppies, they were smart to the extent they could carry little umbrellas during rains or easily learn something that you taught them. It was also snowing, but I didn't do much in the snow. I however dreamt about flirting with some girl, was quite fun until the creator or administrator was in the server too, his presence just didn't fit in the world.

Not long after, I was at a Chinese restaurant, not the elegant kind but  it was outdoor, with rusted roofs and had a very traditional and old feel towards the way it is. Food was super expensive but strangely I could pay with ringgit, was looking around me, half of the tables were filled with people I was familiar and the girl I was with, and the creator/administrator was there too. That dreamed ended with when a near by chimney from probably a factory started smoking alot, I was thinking, it's not about to explode right? *BOOM* it did.

I was in no danger but I immediately 'disconnected' from it, came back to the 'real world' but it's not for any longer before I really woke up again. "Curse my sickness!" as I said to myself, I probably coughed or something.

However, I could dream a bit further afterwards but it was totally something different and even shorter and more random now.

  It was another reality, I was in my bedroom but shared three other people, one is the same bed with brother, the others were two other girls, either step-sisters or real sisters, note I don't have sisters in real-life, hence the alternate reality. From what I can tell, they were kinda bossy and loving in some way. I can't remember much besides the fact that we were getting prepared for bed and the scenes afterwards were too random to be certain as a continuation.

A clean break.

[Michele, if you're only reading this now, don't look at the previous posts! Depressing posts is not for your eyes and brain!]

Today's the day I went to a gaming convention called Magacon, the service they provide is not so bad really, overall every staff I encountered were quite helpful and friendly, even the organiser himself squeezes a bit of time to help me with my trivial issues.

I expected the place to be crowded, the environment in the KDU hall ain't, there's giant pillows in the middle actually for people to lie down or sit lazily, pretty interesting indeed. Though my main purpose had to be finishing the achievements in order to get a 250 bucks voucher for GW products. One thing's left in the list, surprisingly, most of the things needed to do were easily down, except for the trivia, personally asked by a GW direct employee, a British no less. But he was kind enough to pass me with less 'obscure' questions as he stated, calls himself TJ.

I never thought about playing other stuffs than just watching Marcus in the tournament, I ended up all over the places. I'm hoping to meet more people actually, one of the volunteering staffs were, easy to talk with, probably because the ice was already broken whilst we played Monopoly Deal. It's nice to talk to a girl outside of my college, somehow reminds me of the past. However, never quite got her name nor her face remembered, but she was definitely made cranky because of Kean Hoe's idiotic straightforwardness.

One thing I do wonder though is that are the girls volunteering to work in the help are actually interested in gaming though. They were in the college's gaming club so I presumed so, but girls that pretty likes to play video games? I could be dreaming really.

In any case, I'm still going for the event in the morning again the following day, haven't participate in the painting competition yet and the last achievement needs to be achieved. And probably meet that girl again. I do wonder what this means though, I feel a bit confident that I can do it. Do what, I have no idea how to even talk properly.

Should I, ignore her request for me to help?

It is something I am very reluctant to do. Verily indeed.

If I do, I'd be straight and be commanding about it.

At least, I want to see, as a Leo, where is my sense of leadership and pride going to extend towards.

Something probably snapped in me, I'm about to do something I hated to do.

I crave for authority.

Tired.

If only I could know someone that likes me, life could be so so so much easier.But I lost my chances,  a lot.

Super tired, not thinking straightly,  rarely anything goes by my way...

I lost the love, I love the most.

Nothing to whine about? Astonishing.

Studies coming along, painting's fine, college's still as ..meh as ever. And I dyed my hair, bright brownish/goldish color. I like it but my family feels otherwise.

Not really anything to whine about. Oh except about this recent coughing of mine and drowsiness i feel, but all is well. Donated a few stuffs for the orphans, feeling quite charitable these days for some reason. Didn't went to the event that's in the night, too troublesome and also, did I mention I was sick?

No immediate target to be crushing on, when I think about it, should be the first time no new girl is coming into my life. You'd get bored thinking about the ones you want to be with for too long because it becomes unreachable eventually and turns into mere eye candy or thought.

I could keep on trying to find something to to talk about... but I don't I think have much. However, I can tell this much that I'm not afraid to be alone because I'll be brave enough to disregard the bullshit I take in this life. Life's not be entirely good, but I make the best out of it. I find it even if I do things for other people, I remind myself I'm doing it because I like to, not because I have to. If it is something I have to do for others, I won't.

No friends? No problem, just enjoy the things you do yourself.
No lovers? No problem, just ogle the girls.
No socialising? No problem, just focus on studying.

One less thing to think about.

Not sure if this is temporary, but after finishing that final assignment, i mope a lot less now but deal them like an angry man, which forgets about it later after fuming. Would be dandy if this continues for several more weeks, maybe until after Christmas.

Cause you know, lot of holidays ahead and I don't want to spend time thinking about how I'm not celebrating  them like I used to.

That whole buying an extension thing still angers me though. I'm still kinda pissed at the ones going for the prom but well, not just because they take the bait but they didn't ask me to go either. Haha, who is this 'they' I'm referring to? Last time I check, it has always been me. One thing I do notice is if I don't take any initiative, others rarely take it for me, good thing or bad thing? I don't really give a buck.

So after finishing this assignment, there's only the viva thing, not much to worry about, just have to say something then I'm occupying my time with study work. Much less stress than before but I get to do other stress free things like playing games and painting. Recently started drawing on my phone again, passes the time before class start, before that it pissed me off saving places for them until knowing they didn't come cause I could only wait. Slowly learning something with every drawing I do though but still takes about 30 minutes to an hour on that tiny screen.

Giving less care on Facebook, especially trying to find someone to chat, either the person is uninterested or has a boyfriend or is annoying or I'm the who's uninterested. Maybe because everybody talks there, nobody's really like me free from social life so it's likely you won't get any interesting chat from me.

The reality as it is, my silent nature attracts nothing there, people assume you're either a creep, loser or uninterested. I can be talkative but that's if someone wants me to be. Did I intentionally give everyone the silent treatment? No, because everyone is giving it to me. I guess I'm stuck in the virtual world because it is the only place aside from my very self, that understands. Kinda nerdy/loser talk but I guess that's someone's perception.

So far I have not seen anyone who is similar to me in terms of common interests, being understanding and having similar personalities. It's paradoxical, I want to be with friends but I have a mind that's totally going in the opposite direction. There are people that will pity me (I don't want that) and there are people who will avoid me when they see me in reality. But nobody has the time or capacity to truly understand me.

Your probably thinking, so you want people to understand you, but do you understand others?

F*CK yeah (sorry too much memes), this would seem like I'm bragging or whining but yeah, i'm trying to make a point.

I understand Marcus is 90% occupied by his commitment to his girlfriend and what other little time he can use for himself. That's why I rarely ask him to hangout or complain why he's so busy or why he comes to college late. That's why i tolerate all the stuff he says or when he's with his girlfriend. I don't expect him to do anything more for me any much as he has done.

This roughly applies mostly on Junior and Kean Hoe too because they have their problems and their busy life, do you expect them to give up time used for something more important and used it on me? I doubt it nor do I wish that from them.

It can also apply to everyone else but it really comes down to everyone's priority list. But the point is that I know what they are going through in life, so I hide in the shadows so to speak. However, it became to a point of no return, I get less and less importance because people forget. The vibe I get from everyone was that I was cold, I was annoying, I was emo but in the end the vibe I truly get is I was less than a friend and more of a stranger.

What I went through after the "Korean girl/boy bands fans drool over bodies but not their talent" comment was the turning point of everything. Though you can say I was full of myself, at that time I was making videos, planning hang outs, I thought I was still relevant. But it only takes the virtual slap in the face that you will never forget that your truly alone in this world.

That other slap was given by another girl, heck I thought she understood me and was interested in chatting with me. I'm not sure what mistake I had made but she made realise I was full of myself again in the end. Do I know what people are thinking? No. Do I know what people go through in their lives? Again, yes. But I guess she just told me people just generally don't understand what I go through. Seriously though when i realised that from her words, it was just like putting salt on a wound.

Then I didn't give a f*ck any more, she was my last beacon of hope in finding true friendship. The hope I only need here is that I keep staying alive until I stop standing. What interaction I have the people now, is that I only treat it as a necessity in life, I did whatever that makes me happy, whatever that doesn't, I just didn't care.

If people think I'm cold, annoying, emotional now. I will just be dead to them. Makes life a whole lot simple.

I wonder...

I wonder why nobody asked if I wanted to go to the prom before it was too late.

I wonder why nobody asked if I wanted to see them depart from the airport.

I wonder why they don't remember my birthday.

I wonder why people stopped asking me to karaokeing.

I wonder why people stopped going out with me.

I wonder why we can't all go to trips together anymore.

I wonder why we separate into smaller groups.

I wonder why nobody sees me that I'm really alone.

I wonder why I hate seeing others sharing laughter.

I wonder why I can't make new friends anymore.

I wonder why there is no interest in talking to the ones that I still can.

I wonder why I stopped planning trips for everyone.

I wonder why I never knew you all went without me.

I wonder why I'm so negative.

I wonder why I'm so hurt right now.



I wonder why they have someone, and I don't.