This is gonna be the longest(i'm serious lol) post for this month, i'll be doing until the time i am finally going to Penang so you are warned but the below contents are truly personal and of my own thinking, read at your own risk and think whatever of me after you have read.
It's the middle of the night and ..well i can't really sleep even though in a few hours i'll be preparing to go to Penang. Ohh crap, maybe the coffee i drank when i was hanging out with my friends? Meh, coffee doesn't effect me, i just choose not to go to sleep so i write something here to let out some thoughts.
Just a few hours ago, i was hanging out with my old friends and classmates, can't say chatting cause well, i don't have to remind you what kind of character i am but to be honest, a sentence or two was all that i could muster out of my heavy lips, silence was even more friendlier with me that time. It was more of a 'oh, gotta hang out with them since they called me, can't refuse them' feeling when i wanted to because the more i go 'hang out' with them, the less i feel the connectivity with them, i feel like just hanging out with myself.
Strange though, in a crowd i would always feel dizzy or maybe uneasy. I just don't like the feeling of randomness, talking here talking there made myself consistently changing my attentions towards the different conversations. It made me reluctant to do anything but just put up a fake smile or smirk or just face palm for absolutely no reason(except for frustration).
I can't lie to myself; i didn't have fun that time. I'm just too sensitive and too self-centered and selfish. i am unhappy of myself because to truly converse or open myself up, i need time; just hanging out for like two hours with a whole crowd doesn't make it easy for me. I'm more of a one-to-one chatter, focus on a subject and only a few people which are conversing on the subject while not CHANGING subjects too frequently. But when is that gonna happen? In my lifetime, i haven't encountered such a conversation before, maybe some conversations were like that but no, i can't remember much.
I don't know, maybe i have to many requirements to just chatting, too sensitive over enriching a friendship, too sensitive over the level of friendship; too sensitive over the subject of - friends. Do i need to change my way of thinking just for the sake of this? Probably not in the near future, i still continue stay true to my way of thinking because that's me. I'll search for that true friend to appear no matter when is it gonna happen; even if i already got a job i'll still search for that person. If such a person never exists then i'll only have true love, a family of my own.
After this past few months, i have adopt the nature of just letting out whatever i was thinking, whatever i was feeling to this blog, pouring out the very essence of my heart. When i read the blogs of others i find it rather confusing when they try to only tell their minds half-hearted, most of the time i'm reading and JUST reading, never really knowing what the hell i'm reading about but that's their right to do so and i support them, even though i don't know what they are saying. It's just their way of expressing themselves with riddles and puzzles; making the readers trying to figure out "who, why, what and when" in their posts, mysterious or just confusing? You decide.
True love, i believe in it but will it happen right after my first love? I haven't truly have someone of my age range to love me, not that i know but i can understand there isn't. There's always the saying that first loves are always broken and HURTS really bad. If my first love was when i am already an adult, that would pretty suck right, if that saying was always accurate. Judging from my three brothers, all of them had first girlfriends breaking up with them the and only(maybe) getting to stay longer with the next one(big bro is gonna get engaged lol). Well i choose and believe truly, that would not happen to me and maybe.. that's why i'm still single, still searching for true love.
(dunno if it's the smooth jazz songs that's making me spilling all the beans out but.. whatever lol, i think i'm high on something heheh.)
My mum always says intelligence is always better than appearances of person for a 'decent' girl to like; maybe in stories and movies, that happens but not for me. Not that good looking and with only a little 'above-average' intelligence, so what the hell am i? Plus with all the weird interests and personalities. Getting to know a girl... no scratch that, EVEN talking to a person needs more effort than i can imagine. Only by other people's help do i get to talk or well.. just know any girls at all.
OK, even deeper now and maybe blurry on this topic which is about my crushes *SHOCKING*
When i was young, primary school young, i was really just a kid who doesn't really think twice on whatever i'm doing. Standard 1, maybe just 7 or 8 years old? i liked a girl in my class and well.. was really open about it, i would really just yell out "i love her", dunno how many times( my memories a little foggy) but i think it crept her out, hahah. But well if it was now, nope she was totally no for me because.. well she wasn't really that eye catching at all but my bros will tease me about from time to time since i told them too, hahah.
I was totally a different person in primary school, i think i befriended the entire class with each class i attended. It didn't really matter if it was a she or a he, i'd make friends with them, like Kim i was really hyperactive in school, to the extent i may be considered a bad boy, not really the kind type but the bully and naughty type i guess, i would usually get the 'boss' title sometimes but really hehe i'd cry when i lose a fight(yeah i get into fights). My results were really bad too during the period of time, i don't really remember why but i was ignorant and lazy; my mum told me i was like a kid with a baby mind. I didn't really know why my mum and dad always tell me to study; i didn't know why study was important, i was like an android(the wild kind) didn't think for himself but just listen to orders which lead me to unable to strife in my study during that time until.. well.. i made my mum cry when my form teacher told my dad that i wasn't gonna pass my UPSR. For the very first time, i felt anger, regret, hatred and sadness altogether but i still didn't know the importance of study until form 3 although i did great in my UPSR.
Well, i sorta lost all contact with my primary school friends, it was regretful especially i was unable to contact my best friend forever. We were best friends throughout the 6 years of primary school.. and i just lost him, forever. I really hope that one day, fate will guide us and let us meet together again, Ong Jing Yau.
The first three years of secondary school was totally bad, mostly for others it was a memorial time but mine was sorta really bad. I didn't do any better after UPSR, sorta gotten worse because i felt form 1 & 2 were not important so i was still lazy and maybe still only having a kid's mind. Maybe it's due influence by friends but mostly it's just me, i didn't make the decision of turning a new leaf for the better of me. I only began to grasp the very importance of education in the middle of time before PMR, only then i drive myself harder, mostly due to realizations through family problems and my own. Education, i realized it was important for my family and my future. Two really simple things i only realized through the hard punches and kicks of reality and i'm glad it hit me hard enough to notice.
Friends in the first three years of secondary school? Not much, only several but they good and maybe close friends. However, during the next two years, our friendship began to dwindle as they stray far from their main purpose which made it even harder to hang out with them but i still miss the good ol' times. Girls? nah, my self-esteem was so low that i don't even bother about it. Yeah, totally different person from primary school, super emo at that time.
Form 4&5 was totally different, friends although at first can't really cope with, a group called "Uncommon Myths" was created between 6 people who really get along really well at that time. The group name was only created after sometime in form 5 which was the date 8/8/08. The most fun and really memorable moments of my school life. Can't believe right after college, things could change so much. Of course i didn't really stray away from study this time, especially form 5, the most hardworking i have ever been.
Now, only the crushes are getting stronger, but it changes through time to time but my mind will always stuck to one when i think about my crushes. It was someone in my class, maybe in other people's eyes, she wasn't much but i think she was just perfect. In lots of my previous posts and poems, i'd always hint about her but one-sided love is always VERY hurtful. Fortunately, this burning and hurting in my heart has lessen and maybe to none because i'm trying hard to move on. I'd still think about her like right now but it really doesn't bother me much like before.
WOOT~
My results? not gonna tell, because something like seeing a view of the person like Kim would happen. I just realized and thought such thing should never be told unless pressurized alot about it, then maybe i would tell. Plus i wanna see the difference between telling and not telling to people about my results because i may see a different person when i know the results or, the other way round. The friends back home may have a different about me now then before. I think there's some difference in college, nothing much of a different view towards me like my friends before SPM.
Now back to the present, not really that lazy, not really that clueless but mostly i'm just prepared and confident in life. I know what i want, i know how i'm gonna get and why i do i need it. The only problem is still my social life, i think crushes i beginning to start again but i'm trying to supress it; whether this year i'm gonna solve it or not, it's not gonna last long. Only one thing i need to hold onto and that's believe to the very core of my heart.
AGAIN, a part of me really hoped you don't read all of this stuff while the other part of me want's you to understand me better since we won't really have time to talk about such things in real life. Then again i would really want to know better about you, with only truly understanding a friend by being able to share his or her feelings or mind would i be willing to consider you a really true friend, and just by sharing that i would be grateful for all eternity whenever i think of you as a friend.
So now i will bid you all a farewell, until i blog again, peace to y'all.
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