Christmas EEEeeeeEEeeevah

I think it's the same last year, i didn't celebrate Christmas Eve but on the day itself, that couldn't be avoided; though this year i chose not to. Seems kinda selfish but i have my reasons, first one being to spent it with my parents even though they do not celebrate it. Home was pretty much empty since all my brothers are out partying, leaving me with my parents only.

I could have went out with my old friends this night, but things have changed, i have changed and realised there's not much joy in meeting them back, their faces look rather unfamiliar; I used to enjoy the time where i could just listen to their conversations and could care less about responding but not anymore, i felt left out. I could say i miss less of them now than i was before. I hate this change, i missed the past 'me' which i could be happy with even simple greetings to me. Now it feels like 'since we are friends in the past, we should always be in contact with each other' kinda thing.

I'm scared, that this would happen to the friends i have now, i'm afraid of losing more because it feels really regreful to feel, simply empty for a good friend i once have. I'm worried even though i am more than ever to stay true friends with them all for as long as i live, but the thoughts won't be the same for the others. Eventually, it comes to my understanding that i'm still insecure with my social life; i worry too much about feelings and thoughts. Sometime it's a good thing, sometime its really a bad thing.

Fortunately, i have a blog to write it all down, remind me all of it when i have lost my way. I just have to keep holding on, keep reminding myself the good times, continue to improve myself for others, continue to be in contact. I just have to really store it in my heart, everything, from detailed personalities to the most memorable and important times we had.

Now, again, i still question myself, what is true friendship? Will it ever exist to the very purest core of it's meaning?