Anyone who actually shows concerns to my health(if there is) i would like to say i appreciate it and tell you that i'm getting a bit better, albeit the cough still stayed with me. This flu annoyed the hell out of me yesterday but i guess that's what you get when you wished for it , hahah.
But enough about that, i'm not gonna talk random stuff about today or about this week; it's gonna be about the other side of me which most people will hide it even though it may be clear as daylight to others. So anyone reading this, it's going to look real personal and sensitive but speculate at your own right, i have no control over what you believe but if it seems possible that it directly relates to you, then maybe it is so.
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Ok first things first, define - My crushes. Usually for me, it's just some sort of feelings and interests that attracts me towards a girl i like. I'd would say this is not love, just that it is my urge and loneliness sometimes gets the best of me. Well, can't really say sometimes since probably i spent every leftover nights thinking about this, things like this can't be completely withhold, even a thought of it brings back painful times. But, as i grew, crushes just gets less and less hurtful, not sure how but maybe because a lot of things happened in the college; a lot of knowledge other than from my study were obtained through friends i guess, made me understood how naive i was before.
I had a few of them throughout my life. First crush was in primary school, I think i was just really immature that time, right now i wouldn't call it a crush, just me being stupid. That was three years before secondary school i think but from 13 to 15 years old; i was just not in the right mind cause, well things like laziness, ignorant, irresponsible, ill-tempered ...you name it. That time I was not the person as i am now but i do regret it, wasted too much time over myself needs where i could have been more. This period of time can be considered both joyful yet suffering; I do not suffer from study but from this crushes, if my heart could not be calmed, how can my mind stayed focus on what's important?
I think i've wrote this before, where i told Form 5 was the time struggled the most because this single woman, whom i think i had truly fallen for her that time. Around mid times of 2008, my feelings grew for her but i put my studies as my first priority. I did not think it would hurt but as time past it really does, and it was far more painful than i imagined even though not physically, i felt my heart pierced every time i gave thought to it, and every time i have to ignore it's effects. Fortunately i've gotten through SPM swiftly as i managed to put aside my feelings at the very last few months but that didn't stop the feelings coming back to me. I guess what lessened the pain was, time away from her, i occupied myself with family during the holidays, to forget her during those three months before my college life started. At those times, i kept asking myself why i can't get my mind off of her? why do i torture myself for so long? The shameful of it all, is that i had no guts to tell her that i loved her. To this day, i still wonder if it truly was love that i felt at all.
College life, i can't say much but other than i had focused only on my studies, the first three months felt meaningless. Crushes? Hmmph like i cared about that when my social life between my secondary school friends were about to crumble, though of course, there are times i took some interests over some of the girls, they are nothing but just my signs of loneliness. I guess since what had happened during Form 5, hardened my heart, hah, maybe i should be grateful for it.
So how about after that three months? After befriending all of that great people, did i had crushes then?
Well, the truth, the dirty truth, i have to tell is... yes. However, it was just one and it didn't last long, about 2 or 3 months only. After that there were reasons to back me up why i made the right choice before it was too late which were direct and indirect. First it would be her concept about friends that truly saddens me and the way she uses them, either she's just ignorant or intentional of it, continuing to be friends was already a nuisance to me. Her personality was also a bit twisted, i can't helped to say that she acts too innocently, too spontaneous, to the point of falseness or pretentiousness resides in my mind. All i can say is, she's probably just gonna be one of those hai-bye friends for me, to be able to tolerate a friend who used me before, i can't do that, not when all i am doing is tolerating; acting in front of the person, it doesn't feel right for me or for the person.
One?? That couldn't be true, what about afterwards? There must be more right? RIGHT???
.....seriously? no i don't think i dwell in much about this matter, since this recent times i find myself, having friends are more important than chasing fantasies while reality holds you back. Buuuuut i guess i still have a thing or two about this girl in college, though i thread more lightly now as to not fall into meaningless traps; i know not much about this girl but enough to attract my attention. So not much i can tell but seems like its gonna be one of those random crushes i had in the past, so i think, it won't last long when it has been a while i haven't seen or contacted her.
WHO? WHOOO? WHOOOOO??????
Well now why would i say it? It wouldn't be fun imagining you all figuring it out then, no?
I guess i can give you a small small small hint, her name contains, the letter, E, whole lot of possibilities, eh? And now i wish you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, enjoy your holidays~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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