Summary 2011

  For once, I'm kinda glad this blog didn't disappear from existence, it holds 3 years of memories now as of today and tomorrow too.

  2011, probably my worst year, because it is the year I find myself grow much more mature, but it is through the cost of things dear to me. Are there things that truly worth remembering for this year? We will see as I refresh my memory through the posts I've made anywhere in the internet. There is a period of time I didn't blog, but I guess I fill in the gaps if my memory serves me well which I don't it will cause large part of 2011 is kinda blank. I do regret I spent almost half of this year in despair and the rest in solitude. But it is part of life's journey, sooner or later I have to taste the most bitterness of my inner and outer worlds.

without further words... lets take a look at...

January 2011


1. Was invited to Winnie's birthday party at a golf club. Was her temporary cameraman for the event.
2. Car broke down after the party. I had someone to chat with at the time, at least. Thought there was something.
3. Planned for and had the second CNY reunion dinner for the BAC bunch, much less people came for it compared to the first.
4. Mostly just solo college routine month, blog posts doesn't say much.
5. Made the first WHIC OVA episode. Reminisce your past if you want.

February 2011


1. It is CNY 2011 I suppose? Had BBQ with family members and made a couple of Kong Ming lanterns flew.
2. Reunion dinner, visit relatives, relatives visit etc.. All those CNY stuffs you would normally do.
3. Valentines Day, I gave out 10 packet of two Ferrero Rocher chocolates to 10 girls in BAC, including Ms. Nalina. Can't believe I forgot about this.
4. Eldest brother got us a Wii, life changed forever.
5.  More assignments and college stuff, i guess.
6. Refreshed my passion for wargaming.


March 2011


1. Things start to went down hill I guess. I deleted my twitter account.
2. Went to Putrajaya, original plan was to go for a hot air balloon ride, but went to Taman Botani for pictures.
3. I was even less sociable than before.
4. Sad news for disasters happening in Japan and release of Rebecca Black's song.
5. By the end of this month, I changed my blog to private viewing only and changed my blog address.
6. For the first time, I cried because of immense guilt.

April 2011


1. Had a really hard time getting myself back to studying for exams, but I eventually was able to.
2. A gathering to meet Kanimoli at Starhill.
3. Mostly just studying for exams I suppose.
4. Assignment results were up, I got pretty average results.
5. Trips were planned, never happened.
6. At this point I was still holding up is because she was still willing to hear me out.

May 2011


1. Exams were stressing me out. For my standard, I call it hard work.
2. My nephew, Terng Li An, was born.
3. Yay exams were over, went to KLCC for Pirates of the Carribean, must be the last draw for her.
4. Begins to finish the WHIC OVA episodes.

June 2011

1. In case you haven't watched the final episode, I actually secretly went outside of several people's homes to shoot the ending scene. It was awesome.
2. Was helping my brother working on wedding videos of his client, good pay - funded my wargaming models.
3. Was stressed out by having to help take care of my baby nephew.

July - September 2011


This is the period where I stopped blogging, for reals, I can't remember much what has happened during this period of time but based on my facebook activities,

1. I mostly just do my hobby stuffs.
2. Exam results came out, I repeat myself from my FB status, mediocre at it's best.
3. I went to Kuala Selangor during July, it was not for any particular reason If I remember correctly.
4. I slammed the car down on my index finger, was the pain of the year.
5. First time 'celebrating' Hari Raya, with the guys who share the same hobby as I do. Diarrhea the next few days.
6. Went to a gathering/karaoke session in September, classes were about to start soon.
7. Did I mention hardly anyone remembered my birthday?


October - December 2011

1. Here I explain why start blogging again, should be. But not as often I used to.
2. Again, not much has happened, all I can say is I'm living my life perfectly fine with almost without any interaction with friends.
3. Joined a wargaming competition in October, was the suckiest tournament I ever experienced.
4. I suggested celebrating Junior's birthday, oh did I mention no one was organising it, so a lot of people didn't come or was not invited? Just saying.
5. I regularly draw with my phone before classes start now.
6. Went to Look Out Point in Ampang with family members, one of the better days.
7. MaGaCon, a gaming convention I went to, easily one of the best times I had for the past couple of months.
8. Actually 'celebrated' Christmas this year, was thinking otherwise like last year. Went for karaoke and Kajang satey, even though I was sick; of course it got worse afterwards.

Thoughts and feelings about 2011.

  Generally, met a few more faces considering the whole year. Some things about me have changed, like I'm strangely more generous and charitable now whilst I'm still slow as a turtle to react to urgent situations. I'm a bit more independent, it's either forced upon me or I just make it feel natural, maybe because I need to prepare myself for my third year in UK.

  There's not much to say when it comes to it personally. I'm more open minded now but much more straightforward and 'just accept it' of an attitude. Love, is becoming something of less difficulty, specifically trying to show love to someone. It's always easier when you're much more accepting and ignorant of the results. I guess I'm naturally an average person, with average need. Do I really need to chase a  pretty girl that doesn't like me the way I do, and risk my efforts of being wasted; rather than having my efforts put on someone who actually likes me? It takes less effort but more certain on the aspect of her that she actually loves you.

  Whether it is a bad year or a good year, I still grow stronger, in the sense I'm less naive, less concern of petty things but more important and pressing matters. 2011 may be saddening, but it's another unforgettable year like 2010 and 2009, albeit for different reasons. I realise, as long as I get to the next day, I still have time to improve myself and get things right and done.

"2011, think you can beat 2010? Well, we'll know in time."

No, I guess you didn't beat 2010, huh. Much less 2009. But one thing is definitely true, is that 2012 will be a very different year indeed.

This is Jake, wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

To have a girlfriend now, or never.

I wonder if girls would go to lengths to get a guy they like to like them.

It is hard to know for certain but when they do, It won't be hard to tell.

Though when someone's not interested in  me, I find it really hard to get the feelings across to that person, because she may deliberately ignore or not even notice it.

Though I'm still single, I still think I can't commit. What troubles me the most is because of my third year, having the need to stay at UK for 9 months. What if I have a girlfriend now, and then we can't see each other for such a long time?

Though the apocalyptic believers have me thinking if humans' destruction is coming, It wouldn't really matter, would it. Just a thought.

Sickness leading to a weird dream.

Just gotta be quick before I forget this dream, strange thing is that it's probably the cause of my sore throat, almost half of the night i spend resisting and diverting my mind from the pain just by swallowing saliva. But once I got better, the dream starts.

Short dream, just that it was about the same as this one, only that someone created a 'dream system' that is in it's beta stages, I vividly remember the name of the server I joined, "Minornail" or something like that because I deliberately tried to memorise it.

I would guess (filling the gaps here) the system was designed to avoid the need for people to be physically be at another place far from where we are residing, but still required something like passports and vivas to be there. I'm saying this because I was probably at UK studying for my final year, strangely with some form of Japanese architecture throughout the buildings.

It was definitely fun, though I can't remember who the people around me were but they felt really familiar. There were virtual pets you can play with, the only pets I saw were one white and one black puppies, they were smart to the extent they could carry little umbrellas during rains or easily learn something that you taught them. It was also snowing, but I didn't do much in the snow. I however dreamt about flirting with some girl, was quite fun until the creator or administrator was in the server too, his presence just didn't fit in the world.

Not long after, I was at a Chinese restaurant, not the elegant kind but  it was outdoor, with rusted roofs and had a very traditional and old feel towards the way it is. Food was super expensive but strangely I could pay with ringgit, was looking around me, half of the tables were filled with people I was familiar and the girl I was with, and the creator/administrator was there too. That dreamed ended with when a near by chimney from probably a factory started smoking alot, I was thinking, it's not about to explode right? *BOOM* it did.

I was in no danger but I immediately 'disconnected' from it, came back to the 'real world' but it's not for any longer before I really woke up again. "Curse my sickness!" as I said to myself, I probably coughed or something.

However, I could dream a bit further afterwards but it was totally something different and even shorter and more random now.

  It was another reality, I was in my bedroom but shared three other people, one is the same bed with brother, the others were two other girls, either step-sisters or real sisters, note I don't have sisters in real-life, hence the alternate reality. From what I can tell, they were kinda bossy and loving in some way. I can't remember much besides the fact that we were getting prepared for bed and the scenes afterwards were too random to be certain as a continuation.

A clean break.

[Michele, if you're only reading this now, don't look at the previous posts! Depressing posts is not for your eyes and brain!]

Today's the day I went to a gaming convention called Magacon, the service they provide is not so bad really, overall every staff I encountered were quite helpful and friendly, even the organiser himself squeezes a bit of time to help me with my trivial issues.

I expected the place to be crowded, the environment in the KDU hall ain't, there's giant pillows in the middle actually for people to lie down or sit lazily, pretty interesting indeed. Though my main purpose had to be finishing the achievements in order to get a 250 bucks voucher for GW products. One thing's left in the list, surprisingly, most of the things needed to do were easily down, except for the trivia, personally asked by a GW direct employee, a British no less. But he was kind enough to pass me with less 'obscure' questions as he stated, calls himself TJ.

I never thought about playing other stuffs than just watching Marcus in the tournament, I ended up all over the places. I'm hoping to meet more people actually, one of the volunteering staffs were, easy to talk with, probably because the ice was already broken whilst we played Monopoly Deal. It's nice to talk to a girl outside of my college, somehow reminds me of the past. However, never quite got her name nor her face remembered, but she was definitely made cranky because of Kean Hoe's idiotic straightforwardness.

One thing I do wonder though is that are the girls volunteering to work in the help are actually interested in gaming though. They were in the college's gaming club so I presumed so, but girls that pretty likes to play video games? I could be dreaming really.

In any case, I'm still going for the event in the morning again the following day, haven't participate in the painting competition yet and the last achievement needs to be achieved. And probably meet that girl again. I do wonder what this means though, I feel a bit confident that I can do it. Do what, I have no idea how to even talk properly.

Should I, ignore her request for me to help?

It is something I am very reluctant to do. Verily indeed.

If I do, I'd be straight and be commanding about it.

At least, I want to see, as a Leo, where is my sense of leadership and pride going to extend towards.

Something probably snapped in me, I'm about to do something I hated to do.

I crave for authority.

Tired.

If only I could know someone that likes me, life could be so so so much easier.But I lost my chances,  a lot.

Super tired, not thinking straightly,  rarely anything goes by my way...

I lost the love, I love the most.

Nothing to whine about? Astonishing.

Studies coming along, painting's fine, college's still as ..meh as ever. And I dyed my hair, bright brownish/goldish color. I like it but my family feels otherwise.

Not really anything to whine about. Oh except about this recent coughing of mine and drowsiness i feel, but all is well. Donated a few stuffs for the orphans, feeling quite charitable these days for some reason. Didn't went to the event that's in the night, too troublesome and also, did I mention I was sick?

No immediate target to be crushing on, when I think about it, should be the first time no new girl is coming into my life. You'd get bored thinking about the ones you want to be with for too long because it becomes unreachable eventually and turns into mere eye candy or thought.

I could keep on trying to find something to to talk about... but I don't I think have much. However, I can tell this much that I'm not afraid to be alone because I'll be brave enough to disregard the bullshit I take in this life. Life's not be entirely good, but I make the best out of it. I find it even if I do things for other people, I remind myself I'm doing it because I like to, not because I have to. If it is something I have to do for others, I won't.

No friends? No problem, just enjoy the things you do yourself.
No lovers? No problem, just ogle the girls.
No socialising? No problem, just focus on studying.

One less thing to think about.

Not sure if this is temporary, but after finishing that final assignment, i mope a lot less now but deal them like an angry man, which forgets about it later after fuming. Would be dandy if this continues for several more weeks, maybe until after Christmas.

Cause you know, lot of holidays ahead and I don't want to spend time thinking about how I'm not celebrating  them like I used to.

That whole buying an extension thing still angers me though. I'm still kinda pissed at the ones going for the prom but well, not just because they take the bait but they didn't ask me to go either. Haha, who is this 'they' I'm referring to? Last time I check, it has always been me. One thing I do notice is if I don't take any initiative, others rarely take it for me, good thing or bad thing? I don't really give a buck.

So after finishing this assignment, there's only the viva thing, not much to worry about, just have to say something then I'm occupying my time with study work. Much less stress than before but I get to do other stress free things like playing games and painting. Recently started drawing on my phone again, passes the time before class start, before that it pissed me off saving places for them until knowing they didn't come cause I could only wait. Slowly learning something with every drawing I do though but still takes about 30 minutes to an hour on that tiny screen.

Giving less care on Facebook, especially trying to find someone to chat, either the person is uninterested or has a boyfriend or is annoying or I'm the who's uninterested. Maybe because everybody talks there, nobody's really like me free from social life so it's likely you won't get any interesting chat from me.

The reality as it is, my silent nature attracts nothing there, people assume you're either a creep, loser or uninterested. I can be talkative but that's if someone wants me to be. Did I intentionally give everyone the silent treatment? No, because everyone is giving it to me. I guess I'm stuck in the virtual world because it is the only place aside from my very self, that understands. Kinda nerdy/loser talk but I guess that's someone's perception.

So far I have not seen anyone who is similar to me in terms of common interests, being understanding and having similar personalities. It's paradoxical, I want to be with friends but I have a mind that's totally going in the opposite direction. There are people that will pity me (I don't want that) and there are people who will avoid me when they see me in reality. But nobody has the time or capacity to truly understand me.

Your probably thinking, so you want people to understand you, but do you understand others?

F*CK yeah (sorry too much memes), this would seem like I'm bragging or whining but yeah, i'm trying to make a point.

I understand Marcus is 90% occupied by his commitment to his girlfriend and what other little time he can use for himself. That's why I rarely ask him to hangout or complain why he's so busy or why he comes to college late. That's why i tolerate all the stuff he says or when he's with his girlfriend. I don't expect him to do anything more for me any much as he has done.

This roughly applies mostly on Junior and Kean Hoe too because they have their problems and their busy life, do you expect them to give up time used for something more important and used it on me? I doubt it nor do I wish that from them.

It can also apply to everyone else but it really comes down to everyone's priority list. But the point is that I know what they are going through in life, so I hide in the shadows so to speak. However, it became to a point of no return, I get less and less importance because people forget. The vibe I get from everyone was that I was cold, I was annoying, I was emo but in the end the vibe I truly get is I was less than a friend and more of a stranger.

What I went through after the "Korean girl/boy bands fans drool over bodies but not their talent" comment was the turning point of everything. Though you can say I was full of myself, at that time I was making videos, planning hang outs, I thought I was still relevant. But it only takes the virtual slap in the face that you will never forget that your truly alone in this world.

That other slap was given by another girl, heck I thought she understood me and was interested in chatting with me. I'm not sure what mistake I had made but she made realise I was full of myself again in the end. Do I know what people are thinking? No. Do I know what people go through in their lives? Again, yes. But I guess she just told me people just generally don't understand what I go through. Seriously though when i realised that from her words, it was just like putting salt on a wound.

Then I didn't give a f*ck any more, she was my last beacon of hope in finding true friendship. The hope I only need here is that I keep staying alive until I stop standing. What interaction I have the people now, is that I only treat it as a necessity in life, I did whatever that makes me happy, whatever that doesn't, I just didn't care.

If people think I'm cold, annoying, emotional now. I will just be dead to them. Makes life a whole lot simple.

I wonder...

I wonder why nobody asked if I wanted to go to the prom before it was too late.

I wonder why nobody asked if I wanted to see them depart from the airport.

I wonder why they don't remember my birthday.

I wonder why people stopped asking me to karaokeing.

I wonder why people stopped going out with me.

I wonder why we can't all go to trips together anymore.

I wonder why we separate into smaller groups.

I wonder why nobody sees me that I'm really alone.

I wonder why I hate seeing others sharing laughter.

I wonder why I can't make new friends anymore.

I wonder why there is no interest in talking to the ones that I still can.

I wonder why I stopped planning trips for everyone.

I wonder why I never knew you all went without me.

I wonder why I'm so negative.

I wonder why I'm so hurt right now.



I wonder why they have someone, and I don't.

Like water flowing through seasons.

When I finally manage to find something to do alone. It gets pre-occupied in a good way.

Today, 13th November, manage to be with myself most of the time because i needed to do my assignment. It's of course, the same as last year, I'm doing it myself, I really wonder how groups do their assignments. It is also of course, a bit saddening but is too expected. Just for the record, it is not me who doesn't want to do with a group.

I browsed through my videos today, can't believe the laughs I've shared with the people that I now, are separated by an invisible wall. I can't even look at them in the vids with a straight face, I just find it unbelievable now. Though one thing is for sure that I will ask about others to myself, have they watched them before? Judging from the excruciatingly slow buffering speed for some reason, I doubt alot has watched a whole episode, let alone the whole series. Would it be any different now if they did? Would I still be able to share laughs with them even though the mistakes I have made? Was giving up on making videos my prime mistake?

So many questions yet they can hardly be left answered by anyone. But I do realize, and I mean finally, I think I did not change at all. It is because that when I see myself in the video, although I maybe different then at that time, I wasn't different now because I've changed, but it is due to the people I am close with. With Junior or Kim, I was carefree, likely to have fun and chat with others, I was not shy around other girls, I loved to gather their friends and plan a trip or an activity. Of course, there are also other people that had also influenced me greatly.

It is as the title says, I'm like water flowing through a path, when the sun is high in the air, I reflect it's sunlight, when the moon is high in the air, I reflect it's moonlight; when winter comes, I freeze, stopping my flow, when spring comes, I flow again with flower petals floating around me.

In short, anyone who befriends me and I do the same, I automatically adapt and change to that person. There is only a portion of me that stays the same, which is this side of me which I rarely show to anyone at all. You can say, I don't want people to be burdened by my ups and downs, so I do what I can to avoid that.

But since then, I have no one to adapt or change to, I eventually revert back to myself, the semi anti-social introvert. The friends I have now, are either with someone else, does not come to college at all or have no interest to maintain that bond that I so think it has always been there at the beginning. The limited time we spend together seems empty, even though we exchange words and laughs, we seem distant.

I know, Michele, but things are as you see. I'm glad you're concerned about me, I really really do. But you should not be burden with the one I am now. I'll always pretend nothing has happened if you ever confront me about my life. You have other more important things to look forward to, your family, your friends and Andrew. I'm always living in the past, waiting for the future, so don't look back, just move forward. Don't worry, I'll always think of you as a close friend.

The worst seems to have past.

Yeap, it seems the worst of my depression has gone by. I wouldn't say "just like that" though but I can see things a bit clearer now.

I realized something through this turmoil though, I was not able to accept myself and the world around me. In this world, I feel like I'm suppose to be the guy who should always do the right thing and be honest. But really, I was just what you call, an "attention seeker", albeit it is hard to admit but yes, judging through the things I do, this is all too true.

1. I'd whine and rant in the Facebook and before that, rant in Twitters and Blogger.

2. I'd join anything in the past, to be acknowledged and for someone to notice.

3. I'd be completely honest in my blog, typically trying to agitate people, to my regret it resulted my demise in life.

But who would not have felt this way even without me confessing it? When I think about it, have I changed whatsoever compared to two years ago? Well, giving any explanation, it wouldn't prove anything to anyone.

Truth is, nobody understood me, not even my closest friends or my family. Nor do I truly understand anyone.

If she told me she didn't knew me, then really, who actually knows me? Of course I know it's not how much of me that I've told her that meant she knows me, but I thought she would actually understand why I would this intimate things with her? This is why I hate communicating virtually, even though it is my only way to express myself whole-heartedly. People just can't feel or see what I go through, same for my videos.

For obvious reasons, this hurt my heart right on the spot, literally. Just because she said that, my life get's even bitter, so much I couldn't focus on writing my assignment but when I did, I can't but notice anger in those words. Having no one to even ask for guidance, I used the internet to find my answer ...and it pretty much hit me I guess.

It wasn't much about myself I guess, I just wanted to know someone even if that will never truly happen. It's that I wish, someone would actually know my intentions is not to whine to you, but trust you. It was truly cold when she said it for some reason, it literally made all the things I thought of, meant nothing. But it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

Why can't I just move on?

There are times, I just want to stay away from Facebook, permanently. There are things I don't want to know, yet regardless, my curiosity gets the best of me, even when I deliberately restrict my area of view.

But through time and time, it's because there is, too many memories inside this account of mine. Deleting my account would mean destroying years of efforts put into memories, something I can hardly foresee of the furthest extent of the resulting consequences if I were to do so.

The Facebook now, is only a constant reminder of who I am now. Still stagnant, hardly ever changing, for the better.

How I wish I could turn back time and make things right. But that is impossible, or something I shouldn't even think about.

When is this feeling going to end? Every good intangible feelings that I have, is that not enough? Can it not be on par with being loved by someone?

I feel so greedy, I have all the things that I normally have, but that one thing I don't, makes the others worthless.

F*ck this, it feels like I'm having PMS or something. Is this how a guy should feel? Why can't I feel better the day afterwards like any other guy?

Why can't I just move on?

As saddening as it is, I like the game.

I've had this song since who knows when, maybe a few years back. But I never did think I would be able to play it cause back then I didn't have the Wii console.

But I'm glad my brother bought one. The gameplay is average but the enemies creep me out that's for sure. Which comes to the awesome story that makes it worth my time. A story of a boy who once lived with his grandfather together but after he had passed away, the young boy sets out on a journey to the east to find survivors in this post apocalyptic world.

I would say I liked it more in a bias sense, because the "people" that the boy meets, they all have their unique stories to tell but simple ways of expressing their points in life. What makes it bias for me is that their stories, are easy to relate to myself. But more specifically, it tells of the people how they cope with such an empty world  and memories attached to objects(the boy collects) - telling pasts lives.

I still haven't played through much, but there has been a lot going through my mind lately, partly because I've just recently finished Deus Ex: Human Revolution, a game that forces you to make decisions based on your moral, political and rational views.

What's going through my mind in the end? A simple question that repeats itself,  "How's my life?".
Judging from the previous post, I guess not so much inside, but, there really isn't anything insufficient in my life; a family, a purely academic life, and enjoying entertainment in various forms.

The things I didn't mention? A social life that I am content with. Because of the mistakes I made and the path I took onwards, I've lost a couple of things. Mostly intangible, I lost the will to "bond" with initiative; mainly because I realize my influence does not reach far as I've thought exaggerated in the past, during A-levels to be more specific; it was merely my naive perception of things. But of course, this is the result of when one does not take initiative to nurture friendship, and I thought first year was holding up, but it was already a mirage. As quickly as the friends that "connect" between groups leaves, the separation becomes clear, you're left with who you stick with the most. The relation between the groups as good as being classmates, if not strangers. No one took the initiative or the commitment to do something as simple as a gathering. But it is the way the cookie crumbles. It just means we never really wanted to stay in that level of intimacy at such an amount of people.

But this is all bearable, despite my constant reminding of myself, because we all need to remind of ourselves what the whole picture actually looks like every once in a while. What is not bearable is the absence of a person to talk about something you wouldn't normally tell, not even your closest buddies. Guys would never have the tolerance nor the understanding, that's why I rarely and hardly tell guys the whole story.

Regardless, I'm not so sure anymore, the main concern is interest in the end. Sadly, the good conversations I had was only in the past, mostly virtual but they feel more intimate, more real. I guess I made too many mistakes, the people to talk to gets lesser, conversations gets lesser, it gets shorter; as If losing interest and setting a distance between me furthermore. I guess this realisation made me hollow, because all I can do now is have small talks.

Love, another important factor to my life, nothing really to comment about except that it pains me from time to time. You would be annoyed your friends which are couples shows intimacy in front of you, but really, everywhere I go, couples and groups of friends, annoys me every now and then. People you like, either clueless that you like them or obviously avoiding you. If love can't be as simple as just needing to hint each other that they love each other, then I might as well be single as long as until I get a job. Frustrating as it is, there's nothing really to do about, if no girl is in anyway interested, then I don't think it's rational for me to go to lengths to make her interested in me.

If only I was born during older days, love between my parents were so simple as "love at first sight", so freaking simple.

I can't even keep a promise to myself, aye?

It's been 4 months, I never thought to myself I would come back here again, but it seemed necessary now with what is the current situation.

Things do have gone for the worst, my mind continues to deteriorate, in the sense that I've further lost hope of this period of my life in a normal social life. With no one to really rely on to talk about this or any of my personal feelings, blogging seems to be next best alternative at the moment.

I care not who reads this, I've tried deleting this blog but somehow it persists to stay and giving me the option to undelete it. Even as it is open to all to read, I have a strong feeling I'll write stuff that won't please anyone reading it. So please, ignore anything I write here and go on with your lives, the negative sentiments is not worth your mind's effort to work upon.

Year 2 of my degree, I had a glint of hope things would be for the better, my old friends would be back, old wounds would be healed and forgotten, another chance to restore lost friendship. That was, what I thought, and as would my past experience has told me, anything would not be to my expectation.

Of course I wasn't ignorant of reality, my old friends were not as would've been the same, they've changed and mostly, they have their other half to tend to. The others.. the gap between them and I were as clear as sun rise of the dawn clearing shadows of the night. If it was not for the ones that had left for the foreign country, they wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone who had no use nor the common interest to be shared.

It just shows, how detrimental it can be to be unsocial. Facebook gives you an illusion that it can be an alternative to help strengthen your friendship when you aren't able to in real life. You're just going to be treated differently, looked upon differently.

Regardless, I'm ultimately at fault, the one obstacle that hinders the others and my old friends connecting with each other. Due to my foolish comments, my stupid choice of words and my self-righteous nature, I've caused more damage than I've expected. I still regret the day I hurt her feelings and I still feel that, both of them would never truly forgave me, nor could I. They would gaze away from me as if disgusted whenever we bump into each other. It was silly of me, on the first class, I thought I could sit with them, but I was effectively ignored. How sad I was, I could not express it out, there was no anger in me, just a sad realisation.

I've endured it, even thinking that the weekly wargaming can help distract myself from the daily "torture" i go through. Most of the time, I'd spent sitting in the class, hoping to only concentrate on lecturer in front of me, ignoring the fact that I only talk to Marcus when he is able to do so with his spare few minutes. The other.. just rarely came to classes and I grew distant from him, he's changed, someone similar to my brother but naive, very naive.

There are still also others, but I've never had any to see them, so much as to know how they are. Practically, living their separate lives. I find myself retreating ever more, what would become of my mental state in the end, I'm not sure. But I grow weary when I don't talk in college, I become more stressed out and will sometimes vent my feelings onto my family.

As far as I am concerned, this is another challenge in life, I've begun to rely on myself, stand on my own two feet. Only to look back to check how far have I tread. A life with no one to rely on about feelings, is still a life worth living. I'm mentally at war with myself as always but I will never give in, not without a fight. In a way I have said to myself, if other people were in my shoes, they wouldn't last a minute with this chaotic mind.

Not updating here is a good thing.

The gap between posts is getting larger, this is mostly a good sign, it means I'm being more accepting of what's happening in my life, not having to complain and brood my mind over. I found other ways to deal with it, simply giving myself limited time to sulk or grief over it seems to work, also busying myself with activities to keep the mind away from just plain thinking.

The bad side of it is that I don't share much with it to anyone at all, the last episode of WHIC is to express that and announce myself to be rid of the past and move on to my present life. I put lots of effort in it, in order for me to be satisfied with the message i'm trying to give, it didn't matter who watched it, as long as someone gets it and myself for finally end for what i have begun. The idea was never meant to last, it had to end at some point but i was in denial of it.

Maybe the stats are wrong but I know my blog is rarely visited by you, that's partly the reason i've stopped posting regularly, i'm not angry about it but in fact, i'm grateful, because you indirectly pushed me to face my problems in the reality, accept and be emotional about it there instead of here where i hope everyday someone reads it, now i only need myself and so I thank you for that. However, due to that fact, i'll probably delete this blog too, once and for all. It's serving no purpose at all than to express my sadness and negativity of my life.

So this is sort of a goodbye to the "social life" here, Facebook remains to be my indefinite thoughts and compilation of memories, although only in photos nowadays. My sharing of my personal life will end here with this post, if you read this before i delete this blog, than it is much appreciated, if not, than this is a goodbye only to myself and two years of my past self.

Farewell.

The chapter of my life.

To tell you the truth, i haven't been dandy for a while, it's partly because of family matters affecting my personal life. I don't know if you know but i have a nephew recently, son of my eldest brother, his name's Li An. Much more recently, after a month due to family matters, my brother's living back at home, hence my nephew too, at first I was happy about it but later developed some level of stress from helping to take care of him because again, due to family matters.

I hardly have a peaceful time doing my things without being periodically help feed the baby and generally calm the baby, a cry from him makes me want to stab my own ears. I don't know how long I can take it before i snap like my mother had a few days ago, i seriously hate problems caused in the family and especially the ones who cause it. As far as i can tell you, I'm not suppose to be even bothered by the up-bringing of the child if not for ignorant fools, my mother is made to suffer because of their decisions, suffice to say, their actions or omissions may very affect my nephew's health. I'm only helping because i want to alleviate some of the pain my mother's experiencing, for God's sake she's getting in her 60's. Sigh.. i need to tell this to someone in person, the steam i coop up just hasn't been completely released, family problems, i have too many.

The only thing i can do to avoid stressing myself out is living a night life, that's why i started to make videos during midnight instead of in the daytime. Going out on weekends to play some wargames also helps but not alot, because i'm already mentally stressed out afterwards. I guess what's lacking is somebody to talk to about it and of course generally talking to no one outside of my home every passing weekdays. I guess i'm experiencing the consequences of not having the initiative to interact with someone. Wait all I want, i'm not gonna sit down with friends for another three more months if i remain like this.

The chapter of my life.

Possible.

Rawang, Selayang, One Utama, Mid Valley, Mont Kiara, Bukit Jalil, Times Square, Brickfields College.

Nostalgia.

Drinking that wine probably made me a bit woozy. I think i'm posting less frequently as i used to. A good thing or a bad thing? Not sure, but it's definitely not because i'm getting sociable and sharing my problems.

I've been busy though, mostly i've been tasked to work videos for my brother's client's wedding. Going through 16 GB of videos took a total 3 days time to sort out, even after that, we need to burn them into DVDs, things we don't have any experience with. But luckily, turns out fine anyways in the end.

Nowadays I'm living with simple aims, mostly revolving around filmography and my wargame hobby. From time to time, i'm reminded my first year ended quietly. Jeremy mentioned about going a day-trip to Genting a week ago. Didn't happen of course, our bonds are fragile now, so it's not strange to see some of us didn't even consider going on a trip together.

Nevertheless, there's one thing my mum told me recently, is that friends are still friends even if they seldom contact you, the important thing is he/she still remains in contact with you through all this months/years that has passed. She made me realised that I can't accept that fact easily because of the way i view friendship. But when i think about it, how many friends have i contacted for the past month?

You won't use all the fingers on your hands to count, i just generally don't know how to be a friend, huh? The only thing i do "contact" with is the past, the videos. Is that a way of communication? It's a pretty weird one if it is. The only person i see weekly would be Marcus, how about the others? Indecisive and cowardice. That's what keeping me from, doubt. No matter, I'll continue to finish compiling the past videos until they are all done. Only then am i truly ridden of the past.

Never asked why.

Just wanted to get this off my chest. Life has been dandy after exams, doing things i want, like progressing my wargaming hobby, whilst generally being productive and improving myself physically and mentally. So i just want to say it out rather than keep it in my mind.

It's really simple but has been bugging me ever since, I'm not blind to see that Kim has a Facebook account again, nor did i not notice that she has added everyone else except me for the pass few days. I was heart-broken at first, but then i thought to myself, why? Too many possibilities. Of course, i wouldn't be ignorant about it relating to what happened before in late March. Though, would it be just that? I thought more, and the more i thought, it came down to my behaviour. Creepy, pessimistic, realistic, uncaring, over-obsessive and impulsive behaviours, all shown in here. If i was her, i couldn't trust myself nor feel at ease in my presence.

It's probably for that reason, i don't want to ask her why. Sure it may clear things, but, i know how i was and how i will be in the future. For that i don't blame her, as minuscule a thing as accepting a friend request, i was offended, but i don't blame her. For a man that puts commitment and rationality as first priority, i'm unstable in every single way. I sought for no forgiveness, but only to move forward without my past haunting me with every step i take.

Internet is like a double-edged sword.

I'm paranoid, the fact that I don't know the reasons.

...and so we move on.

Again, only more than a week had passed since i last posted, yet it feels like a month had passed.

Exams are finally over, they really are. Change comes after, probably.

Right next day, i woke up pretty late, i promised to pick up Qian Yi afterwards so arriving at KLCC is much certainly not going to be on time. I don't know why I'm still doing these "things" but opportunity presents itself, it's hard not to take it. It probably looks like we're going out but not really, she just seems to go "OK" almost every time I offer my help. At the end, nothing really happens, awkward moments yes, i find it really weird to walk with a girl not holding hands nor making much of an interesting conversation together, just plain weird. I know i should be doing something about it, but i can't.

Anyways.. as expected, Pirates of the Carribean was just a bit higher than good, cause it reminded me of the first one, both are similar in that everyone races to get something, either it was a treasure or a curse. The hall was packed, after the movie only then i knew most of the friends had actually came to watch. As far as i know since the time i planned to get the ticket, nobody ever mentioned wanting to go together, yet there they were..

It didn't really bother me much, I suppose i just accepted it. I have friends but, I belonged to no group, 

at the moment.

Which is what i have been looking forward to the holidays, it helps me avoid these 'half-truths'. I'm better off believing It's just me who had changed, and because of that change, it has become what it is 'today'.

But I'm still subconsciously longing for the past, just yesterday midnight. I watch a movie called Shao Lin, i don't know why, i usually get a bit teary when i watch sad ones. But after watching about half way through, i started to cry. Tears just started to flow, emotions flooding into my mind, full of guilt, full of sorrow. I cried and cried, mostly because i could relate a lot about the teachings of Buddhism and reflect them on my life, mostly where i went and what is so wrong about this world. Even after the movie had ended, i still continued to cry, not loudly of course, i tried really hard not to, this is my first time that i can't control crying at all. When i think about the past in college, my mind easily tells me that "i want things to be the same as they were".

Quite pathetic actually, I cried myself to sleep. I'm confused.

But at least i try to move on.

Trying to avoid an argument, fail.

It's nothing really, Public Law exams was a big OK,

I did Rule of Law, RP,  EU & PS and finally HRA 1998.

Did a lot of shortening sentences to finish on time, only managing 3 pages for each questions while some can't fill the third page, forgot cases at the part of my questions, mind just went blank, but still crap something to fill in the page.. One thing i can now though, is to focus on the last three. All will be over.

Michele, i didn't know about your situation, if i knew earlier, i probably wouldn't be feeling guilty that i had left earlier. Remember, don't let this cloud your mind, you have friends and Andrew to help you cope with it and support you all the way. If there is one thing i can do to help, is that i will pray for you. I may not put this sentences into actual words, but if you're feeling helpless, I am here, in your heart, in your mind for you, and so as the others too. Even if i do not show you that side of me, even if we're not physically there, believe it as a fact, not merely in your thoughts.

Less than 3 weeks. Dream talk again.

Counting the coming days, anxious.

I dream a lot of weird stuff recently, so far there has been 3 or 4 dreams that were exceptionally different and of course, remembered them although vividly. But i have to say, it revolves around my past memories, what makes it a dream is because they are mixed together, making no sense after i wake up but when i dream, i refuse to wake up into reality.

There first dream was about some sort time travelling, but only consciousness was went back and into my younger body. I travelled back to a time before i got my SPM results, the start of the dream was confusing, i was still like i was at that time at school when i was still with my secondary school friends, before suddenly my future conscious just strikes into me. All that present memories field my mind, drove me into a state of silent despair. Soon after that was the trigger for me to wake up, but before i woke up for some reason i told the results to the friends around me.

The second dream was more matrix-like. I've lost most of the incidents that happen but it involved me trapped inside a virtual world, the only event i can remember is when the world was crumbling, as if something is terrorizing it because people were running to the opposite we were going. Yeah, there were people stuck in the world too but i can only three which is Kean Hoe, Thomas and MJ. For some reason MJ looked tired and her hair looked messy, i remembered it because i waved at her and then said hello to Thomas, she only dizzily looked at me while a slight nod was given by him. Kean Hoe was behind, i assume we were walking together. The place we were moving on seemed like huge large bridge that was going up that would not work in the real world. It was high up in the sky i guess, while in the distant, a giant worm/dragon was flying in thunder clouds. The last thing that happen before i woke up was actually calling somebody to the real world with my phone, i called Kim and excitingly told her we were trapped inside a computer or something. Probably the sudden realisation i would never actually call her in real life woke me up. Not that i don't want to but.. hey i don't voluntarily call any reason except if we're going and we need to contact each other on our whereabouts bla bla bla ok i'll stop here.

The third dream is fuzzy although i just had it yesterday, it's more of country-side feel to it, for unknown reason, the people i know and i live in an area that looks like the paddy fields in Kelantan. I can only remember the whole dream as 'betrayal', in the sense i guess they are taken by the fact that i abandon friends and the dream twist it so i 'betray' both secondary school and college friends at the end.

I really hate this dreams, i wake up feeling screwed up them and told myself it's not real, you know how real dreams get when it's close to reality. I don't need to watch Inception to know that dreaming can literally play with reality and hurt you, but in my experience, it only makes me cry waking up or feeling pissed.

Thank goodness i'm still me after countless dreams like that. I wouldn't consider them nightmares because they don't exactly scare me, just annoying. But no matter what, dreams always felt more real than reality itself. Without realising it was a dream, i would really believe that was my life if i don't wake up. Because it always seem to be a better version of my life. I guess that's why i could never get enough sleep no matter when i sleep, i always wake up feeling like crap.

Other than.

The title is just a simple realization on my side that, 'other then' is not correct.

Other than that, there's not much to talk about(figurely speaking). Less than two week's time before exams and less than a month before i'm free from the burden of the past.

Simplifying and letting go is what i'm trying to do now, the past is merely what happened, it does not affect the future anymore than it had. I would like to think the good times to be momentary, so as to the ones that weren't. It does not reflect the present nor the future, as it is the nature of us constantly changing.

Starting all over again, isn't that hard when you don't continuously wish things could stay the same. From the beginning, a rapidly growing zygote, to a slowly deteriorating elder. Each life have it's separate needs and desire, a child would no longer crave milk as a baby would, an adult would care for his family rather than to maintain or create more friendship.

This is part of my life, a majority of it. Before the upper half of my secondary school life, i had no purpose but to live on, on my upper half of my secondary school life, i cherished friendship and dwell into a one-sided loves. Changing at an increasing rate, from a period of 6 years, to as short as 3 months. I desired so many things yet i only found few which i'm certain to continue on, whilst others are quickly given up.

Right now, i desire a life with my family and myself. A life partly lived for all my friends was never.. 'seen', actually. I believe my mind has the tendency to exaggerate it further than reality really was. As much as i want people to know the effort i put in videos and what not, it is merely, a friend's effort. Naivety is what appropriately fits my personality from what i can devise.

Still, i'm grateful to have friends and glad i could make more. Just that i wish to use the word 'close' not as sparingly as i used to. I'm sure of it without me defining 'close friends', you have your own definition of it. As non-existential as it gets, some elements of it are present.

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The "Pretend" side
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I find myself being more optimistic and hypocritical as i comfort others or just socialising. True, i am pretending and hiding what's actually inside but that's just half the truth.

As much as i "hate" myself, i have fallen quite far down below to know that most of you people's lives are much better and not nearly as irrecoverable as some would think. 'It takes one to know one', as they say, but rather i wouldn't wish others to perceive reality through my eyes. You can still so much hope and happiness in others, i wouldn't want to bring my brand of pessimism and realism to others.

When one sulks over his/her life, i always tell them the brighter side of it, because i've been to worse situations, though i wouldn't explicitly tell them about me. Then again, i think a lot of things, mostly in excess but it helps me to look at both sides more than usual, it wouldn't be strange to say i can say the right things at the right time(maybe).

So technically, i wasn't pretending at all, i honestly am ok. I wish the grief to stay here, no where else.

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Starting a new
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I got the movie ticket from college yesterday, it would be sad to say nobody mentioned of going to watch it together. Well, i took matters to for myself i guess, the Movie Day was right after exams were over so why not enjoy myself with a nice movie starring Johnny Depp as Captain Sparrow? Again, i'm getting used to being alone, it's only a matter of time i had the guts and will to do it. On the plus side, i can go wargaming right afterwards, marking my freedom. I haven't told my mum i would be going alone because she's definitely gonna disallow me, though i wouldn't blame her, she just doesn't understand me completely yet.

However, nothing is permanent in my life, it will change after Year 2 starts, Stan, Chester, Eric and others will be gone, will miss them. Kean Hoe and Marcus will be frequent faces to see on a daily basis again, maybe. I would say for definite, you(Michele), Jessica and Su Ning would probably be closer. Anything else is uncertain, maybe someone's turn to be alone i guess.

But after exams are finished in Friday, the place i probably will go straight away, is the lake i wanted everyone to go picnicking. It is probably a way to say goodbye to my past life.

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Speculations
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It's nothing new but i still get the 'uncomfortable' feeling about Jessica. Even though it is clear there's really nothing wrong; her image strikes in my guts that isn't so.

There was one time my mum saw her in real life when she was at college, she has occasionally talked about her and that seems like she doesn't wear pants at all, which i kinda agree; we're both sensitive about being properly clothed. Besides being a busy-body, as usual she makes her predictions about relationships, 99% of the time she's correct about the status of it and it's quite annoying when she talks bad about the ones i like... 


Anyways, basing of whatever information she has gotten as have talked about my college life to her, she predicts two happenings. It is similar to what she predicted with MJ and Thomas, however, evidence of being loyal to Marcus was lacking according to sources, there is no problem in the guy's side, unless purely loving someone is a problem. She suggested Jessica could 'defect' if she there were other 'fishes to be caught'. If not, she will remain loyal to Marcus, and hopefully, an honest intention.

As i said before sometime ago, i wish they will be together for the rest of their lives, for a man capable of such great affection and has been even happier after she has become a part of his life. For.. if i dare say, breaking up would be the most hardest thing he will cope with and an unforgivable act if it was ill-intended. It was a possible end, breaking up after coming back from UK would give her the chance to avoid seeing each other and friends that maybe against it, directly.

Speculation brings nothing but either it remains one, or becomes reality. Time ultimately is the only thing that can tell.

ever so slightly, ever so slowly, ever so distant.

Those few hours spent on working up an answer, was put into a slot after midnight. The presence of a family member just distracts me for some reason, i'll procrastinate until i don't see a single soul at the living room. Even then i'm having trouble focusing. But good news is that i can probably sufficiently prepare for the exams as long as i put up an answer each day.

During the days, it's either i 'study' wargaming or think of what's going to happen afterwards. Chester and Kean Hoe is planning a trip separately from what i know, i kept wondering how it would be like and i keep imagining it great, yet it will be different. Deep down inside i still feel guilt, mainly because when i look at anyone of you i'm reminded of what was done, not just that but that feeling of neglecting someone. Sometimes i tell myself it's not intentional, unlike my dad, i'm uncomfortable with silence, it either indicates i'm anti-social or not interested to the person sitting beside me which doesn't help cope with what has happened too.

It's no excuse to say we don't meet as often as we use to, we always have access to internet, we always check our social network sites, we often open our chat messengers. Not even keeping in contact in such a convenient way, how can i say it's alright that we can't even type to each other?

One thing in this video that had me thinking, in a relationship, even one as simple as friends, at the stage when we get 'comfortable' between each other, we either get closer or we take friends for granted. The more we just leave it as it was, the more distant we get.Taking that initiative to do it again, it's unmotivated.

But if i think clearer, it probably only applies to me. I took my friends for granted, instead of actually doing something, i preach in my blog saying how much i have done for them. Jealousy stems from such thinking, when i see people forming their own groups, i thought they left but in truth it has always been like that, i only notice it when i dropped my camera but confused as to what it really meant.

Then how do you set things right? Right now there doesn't seem to be a clear answer, what keeps me at bay is exams. There has never been a passing day how i wished exams ended sooner. That extreme urge for me to do something for myself and for others never felt so strong, i kept thinking 'After this, after this, after this!'. A new man, a new leaf, i have kept believing it's going to be the turning point, the epitome of change, the burst of a new life. And then i look at 'now', time is still ticking as slowly as it ever felt, this period of time felt so unproductive i can literally scream of boredom. It is not because i don't study but rather i did nothing but procrastinating, reading and studying for the past few weeks. I could've done so many things, talk to my friends, wargaming, make videos, practice dancing, playing my guitar. Oh why is the separation between the end of revision classes and exams starting so apart from each other?

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                                              Between you and me
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With all the excitement of impatiently waiting, i rarely have time for her. Somewhere in my guts say if I went all out, i could definitely win her heart. However, it is a chance i had to miss, even though sometimes i try, it's inconsistent and only to my convenience, i get the feeling she's not interested anymore, nor do i want to be.

I told myself it's not right, how can it ever be? I'm the one who can't commit to a relationship, not because i don't want to but it's because i can't. In the short run, yeah maybe, in the long run? A simple reason would be that I have to go to UK next year, the thought of being in a relationship and immediately having to say goodbye crushes me. Coupling with commitments for my future, it has always been only a dream.

Did i fell for her? Truthfully? ..no. For the first in my life, it only went so far as to "just really interested". My only ever real chance to show i liked her directly was at the prom, but for the love of God i didn't. She isn't the type to take an indirect approache by guys = me, no amount of indirectness from me will change that. When she typed "we're just friends, right?", typical indirect line that means = "i'm not interested" quickly struck my mind, that she wasn't meant to be.

So i'm back to where i always have been. Sad? not really but that doesn't change the fact i'm always wondering and waiting for that someone. My single life has never changed to "I like being single", it's not a sin to love someone even if that she/he doesn't feel the same way. To say otherwise, is subconsciously lying to oneself.

MTV "K" Hits, not J/K Hits

Through all my ignorance for the past few months, i thought i had missed japanese MVs when the show was aired, but i sat through the whole hour, no, there was no japanese content whatsoever, and it has been for quite some time has it been like this after checking in the internet.

This is not directed to any K-fans, but solely about the trend the entertainment companies follow. I've also realised the chinese radio channels don't have a slot for airing japanese songs anymore, replaced by airing korean songs. Animax is another channel that's also following the trend.

Fairness, i don't know. Speaking in general. are there so little j-pop fans in Malaysia that you can literally remove it from the media? "Deal with it." There's little i can do, reality it is, there's no incentive for promoting japanese music since it's not trending, the disaster's not helping at all either.

Am i getting old? The trending stuffs seems so repetitive and uninspiring, autotune, flashy dances routine, handsome and beatiful seems like the recipe for a girl/boy bands/groups to be famous. Where did originality, brilliant voices, talented in musicality, varying music genres go? I liked korean songs and still do but why didn't they promote the one's that actually sang without autotune or cool dance routines? I used to like the trending songs, be it japanese, chinese or korean but only for a short while, because it became so repetitive for my ears and eyes.

I'm going to humbly say that it's the 'overall package' the fans like. When girls/guys can sing, dance and look good at the same time, i guess it's understandable why one would love them, they practically shine through people eyes. But in fact, they have been a thing a long time ago, it only hit Malaysia hard recently, with lots of concerts and whatnot.

I've always viewed music to be something that is always varying but expresses deep feelings and thoughts, Ke$ha is not one of the singers i'm thinking of but unsurprisingly, Lady Gaga goes in my list of great singers.  Ambient, classical, rock, techno, rap, funk, oriental and japanese folk songs. Whatever language it came, i'd be enjoying no matter what, because even though visualisation may help, music does not need the eyes to enjoy a music fully. The sound of bass booming, the rhythms of shamisen, the whistles of flutes, the elegant sounds of piano, even the sounds of nature. If one uses his/her ears more, they can literally feel the music, letting it bring you to whatever place your imagining right now. Be it somewhere as peaceful as in a room with a view of grassy fields while the piano plays or at a buzzling street full of people passing by, all of it imagined through the flow of musical notes and sounds into your head.

As unsatisfied as i am about the media, the only alternative for me is to do my own research i guess, it's not like i don't know how, just a bit more inconvenient.

"Can't fight em' so join 'em?" 

Screw that, i'll never follow trends for the sake of sacrificing who i truly am and what i truly enjoy.

When exams over

The first thing i'll do, is go to that lake.

No point, have to be the one doing the pushing.

Decided not to go college for revisions since i know what topic i want to study for. Difficulty in forming an answer for CLR, considering Ms. Nalina needs "outside the box" answers, it's either 70% your opinion and 30% study stuff or it's 70% what she wants to know and 30% study stuff. With a lecturer and both the examiner like that, i can hardly form a suitable answer with her 'flexible' thinking that changes a bit every few months.

However, gives me a real headache since it needs me to get my ass off from procrastination completely. Still kinda stuck with the jury crap, had to do research since it seems the things provided by her was still not enough. Either way, i write my answers unconventionally which is a problem because it takes time to think, and i'm not a fast thinker.

Things do happen around me, but not much has changed. But it's better than nothing, hate spending most of my time just trying to look up cases, reports or reviews before procrastination starts again. Less than a month away i still seem to be really unprepared for the exams. This has to stop, no matter what it takes, sixteen questions to prepare is not alot, i have more than enough time. Mock exams being just around the corner does seem to cause me to panic to some extent.

My assignment works were kinda mediocre in my opinion although the viva results proved otherwise, did totally badly in it and i was so sure i was gonna fail it. They all fall in the range of 14 to 16, was expecting of it actually, but surprised my public law was highest amongst it since i used wikipedia for reference and Ms. Diana seemed really edgy about referencing. Was surprised Jessica was the one to ask me if i want to look at the results too, maybe she was 'scared'? I don't know but what was even surprising is she cried afterwards, until i heard from KH she was crying because Paul told her about Su Ning's marks being better than her, to which Su Ning scold him in doing so. In my opinion, Paul's just an inconsiderate jerk, i'd stay away from him as far as possible because he's a guy with a poker face, really dumb and whiny in a way.

Backing up again, why did Jessica cry actually? I would assume her self-esteem was 'hurt'? Whatever it was she wasn't really confident in facing her results in the first place. For me, specifically the current one, doesn't really give much into thought into end results, sad not really just being expecting of it and taking the hit like a man. I believe when you know what you're studying, if you give a certain amount of effort for it, you get back equally what was given, it's not the power of believing, but the equality sense of it. No amount of believing will  let you have what you want if nothing is invest upon.

But whatever effort you put, you get something back, maybe not something you want but something you need. When you act, you may fail or succeed, but you will gain something at the end.

So what do i gain from solitude? Not much, just cultivating negative thoughts mostly. Honestly, i'm not distancing myself away any further than it is possible. More or less i just did nothing. I'm no different than Junior considering i do virtually nothing to keep in contact with friends. People have a saying that states friends are like having a second family, true/close friends to be exact. Sometimes i feel it's just right in front of me, other times or even most times it's not. I'm confused because things are different, for me. As things are how they are now, i have trouble thinking what is the past events between each other ever meant to be, a mere memorable past and that it shall stay in the past? But thinking on the other side, it's really just something of the past, for me it would be defined as having the most closest friend i ever had and had been able to cherish and strengthening that friendship through fun and joy, blood and tears, in my entire lifetime, i'm not joking. However, to others, i can understand it was a mere enjoyment in life, it happens not just between us but with others too.

But i just can't look at 2009 solely, so many things happen the next year i doubt anything would stay the same. But it is to my surprise things can change so rapidly in one year, yet i remain insistent of holding that it should continue to be like 2009 through our lives, but inadvertently i myself indirectly changed.

Digital recording was a part of my life for 3 years, yet i give up on it for the sake of studying better, i came to a quiet stand, i never remember how to be social without a camera at hand. To an extent, the camera was the same as me; quiet, listening, remembering, but it was braver in interacting with others in a way i can't.

I really just wish this semester would end. Ironically i want to start a new leaf afterwards, all over again. I just want to forget the past and do things that won't make me remember how wonderful it was in the past and then afterwards remember how it sucked later on. No offence, you're still my friends, just that i was going way overboard as to how that level of friendship really was, my mistake, sorry.

On the other hand..

What could be said has been said, at least for the majority of it. There's not a lot of issues circling around me anymore, my thoughts are more of just thinking how to break from procrastination and other minor stuff. A lot of things have been cleared this past week through a bit of confrontation of it, lifts most of my suspicion and realise i should not have been at the first place.

On Friday, just went to MV meet up with Kean Hoe, told me Marcus couldn't make it afterwards. It was only for a little while for us to talk since he had other things to do and i need to go back home before rush hour, but surprisingly KH hasn't met Marcus for a long time. I'd assumed they would contact each other often but in fact i kept in contact with Marcus more often than him. No use in speculating because i don't know for certain why but  both of them have been clashing in schedules, whilst i know Marcus is busy, mostly because for Jessica even though he just tells me he has 'something' to do, It's not hard to catch his car since it's kinda rare around college.

Still you can't say they don't want to meet up, just other things demands more attention, i can't say the same for Junior though, there seems to be mix views amongst us as to why he hasn't made even one try to meet up. 

Before i write any further i say it of not by my own opinion, there's certainly something about it to think about. I would say that because of his personality, he makes friends wherever he goes, nothing bad about it, but his conception of 'true friendship', i question it. I could well be wrong because i'm clueless as to how demanding the course he chose. I'm basing on just the updates he makes on facebook, i called it investigating, not stalking... ahem. Maybe it's just facebook misleading me but it seems his time is spent mostly on HELP related activities, while some of it being dancing activities which is no biggy as it has always taken a slot in his time.

I've tried multiple times to have him go out with us but failed of course, whilst even a response is hard to get sometimes and feels irritated on occasions. Can one be busy for the whole semester, not even one day? Judging from pictures that was tagged with him in it, it seems he does have time to spent for fun as he was shown to be at a beach or at a mall, but only with his current friends to add on. Anyhow, any more speculation is not gonna be accurate, only time will tell. As far as i'm told, he's going to be busy for the next few months, without saying he could be free on the following months, so i assume he'll only want to meet up when he wants to.

As far as remembering and missing us, according to facebook, yes, but he says it to all the people besides HELP friends of course. I hope to God i'm wrong in every sentence i made and he really is unbelievably busy and have no time to even consider other things such as his BAC friends and it's going to be like that for the whole semester as he has emphasized. I'm just too clueless to make assumptions in the internet.

But in honesty, i'm kinda irritated by that excuse/reason whatever you want to call it. I hardly want to chat with him in the internet any more since no more than 5 minutes he says he has to go somewhere. And to tell you this, I know him well enough that he curses at people in the MSN when he gets annoyed, i'm no exception. Either in a bad way or habitual, i find cursing really really uncomfortable to hear or even say, to know you're being cursed just makes me "ugh!". 

All things said, i write this not because i'm angry at him, i just want to know better, as i write i do more thinking and research on it before i make any conclusive answer. Why is this such a big deal? I'll tell you why, because for me, it feels like you did not make close friends here. At least for the three of us, we thought we're one of the closer friends for you in Brickfields. There's two possible conclusion i can come up, one being a previously made conclusion in a post, that he has not realise you can't give all your friends the 'true friend' treatment, something like this will happen and it's uncertain whether you mean it or not when you say it to everyone you want to befriend. The other one being that i am actually the dumb idiot who thought you actually  treated me like one of your true friends and whilst i never knew you actually have a significant amount of 'true friends' and now you start to show your discontent of me contacting you.

Which is why as i've said before, it's better for someone that are busy are more important things, to do the contacting rather the other way round, or else it'll feel like i'm clingy or something, given that i only have a handful of friends i actually talk to and hangout but this knowledge not widely known, people who doesn't know me well or read my blog won't know, but then again, i would and it concerns me.

----------------------------------------

On a side note, i haven't been keeping in contact with most people, including the two of you, it's not i don't want to but more it's more towards to the reasoning of "i don't want to waste your time."

Considering revisions and the coming exams are stressful, i assume you wouldn't want to suddenly have a small talk out of nowhere, considering it's been ages since last time. Which is why i rarely talk to anyone nowadays, even in MSN or facebook chat.

Whatever it is, this period of time just doesn't seem to be a time for me to do that. I seem to follow the "speak only when you are spoken to" principle in all sort of situation. I don't know, am i correct in thinking this way or is this never was true?

I just wish all this excess thinking was not necessary and i could just be blunt and straightforward about things.

What's my social goal?

A bit weird, to be the best father and husband a family can have.

But the beginning steps are hard, time passes so slow i can't see my goal as much as i wish.

Procrastination is my biggest problem as of yet. Second to it is my stamina, used up by travelling back and forth from college.

I need to pull myself together, the illusion of a worthless reality is dragging me down.
Gotta hold on, Gotta remind myself.
Even if there's nothing supporting me, i'll still hold on to something.
You can't turn back time, just forgive yourself.
You're still you, you control your own mind.
You still have people in life that cares about you.
Do not waste your time trying to love who doesn't in return.
Ignore your hatred, your despair, your envy.

Study for another month, just study for another month and a better future, a better life is ahead of you.
Friends will be waiting for you, families are there for you. You will leap through this, get procrastination out of your mind, remove any excuse from your mouth. Just start writing with your hands, as much as possible.
Nobody can truly make you commit to something, only yourself can do that, make the hard step into success, make it so the bad things in life are stomped and forgotten, make it so that you put a firm footing at your life, make it so that you stand for others.

Never regret what ever results come about, just aim high and shoot.

A mind best left for myself.

Please don't tell anyone, only Kimberley and Michele can view this, i just need the feeling of someone is listening to me rather then having the continuous feeling as if i'm talking to myself like a madman, and i can't seem to trust anyone else so please only share it amongst the two of you, forgive my selfishness.

I knew this day would come, a day to which I had made myself clear yet arrogant in my words towards the people i cared. Resulting myself enclosing this blog. I realise however you wish to express yourself, it is inevitable you will hurt someone when you go beyond limits naturally laid out in society.

It is still a blurry thing, morality that is. I admit, i based my judgement on scarce knowledge. What do i know about being a true fan, i can't put my finger on it as i do not share anything common with the average person, i just point out the cold and realistic view. My life simply does not consist of strong feelings to modern interests of a teenager and yet i do not have the same interest as an adult. I firmly believe one's words should reflect one's mind, but society detests it and requires everyone to be 'good'.

I guess it is wrong, life isn't always as gloomy as my mind views it, yes it is hard to believe what i write. "Lies bond, truth breaks; truth bonds, lies break." You lie or tell the truth all the time, for better or worse it varies between situations. Which is where i made a mistake choosing what was to be made truthful. I thought you would understand it's because i don't want to lie, not even in my mind. Now look what has happened, your words left me broken and lost. But the only anger and hatred built is towards myself, i've gone too far yet it is more than just that, i've grown sick of belittling others, it accomplishes nothing except to bring more negative feelings in others. Generalising is something i try to avoid by specifying different views, scenarios and persons, i pretty didn't do much of it in my previous context, now deleted. But you can never delete what rings in your head, shame - is the word i'm looking for. I can't look any of you straight in the eye without being reminded of it. It certainly has struck me a lot, like constant piercing of knives into my heart, i can't seem to forgive myself even if you did.

My mind is a mess, it's not my life that's bad. I can't even comprehend how far from reality as it has been written. Sensitive and ill minded, makes one suspicious until proven otherwise, i can never trust someone fully, the minute a trace of discontent is shown i close myself from others. Which, i can never maintain the friendship status to which i can barely meet at a sufficient level. I would eventually tell myself they have better things to deal with then to entertain me. However, life hasn't been any worse, some of my behaviour might change but at most time its the same.

I really should stop taking the initiative to do things with people, i say this because i find myself being obsessive from the start. To not have your own scheduled social activities, is literally the most headache given to me, college will never replace secondary school friends. The time and space just feels like it is filled with studying and revising atmosphere from start to end. I do wish i had people to spend time with and will not remind me of reality for one second, scratch that, for a day. Of course currently, that shouldn't be one of my contemplation, exams are coming.

I probably really am bad at choosing close friends, Junior could be the worst choice i've made, he's literally wanted because of his attitude to befriend people that made him the most wanted person i've ever met, someone totally at the end of the axis between me and him. Marcus and Kean Hoe, friends who have filled their time to which i find inconsistent as their lives are a mystery to me, i'm being kept in the dark so to speak in terms of what they are doing at all. However, it is mainly both of them are already in a relationship, and from observations at couples, half or more of your time has to have the other half in it. I would say wargaming for Marcus is the only thing connecting between me and him at the moment, i still have not understand why he has not played with people other then me, possibly i would believe it's more comfortable to play someone you know. I'd play with anyone in the shop actually, a particular reason is that i do not wish to experience different games with people varying in mind and attitude.

But are these really choices? A better term would be fate but hard to believe.

Still, i should have stopped pestering them months ago, and let them decide on their own. I have lived a rather solitude life for a while, my mind may not settle down but i'm fine as it is. It maybe different compared to the past but as of the moment, the quietness is rather comforting nowadays than the constant soundless hounding of 'bonding'. I still have unedited clips of the past, what i should do with them, it's unclear, the one showing Junior 'evaluating' everyone that came to his home, i probably could've prevented myself from repeating Junior's mistake if i wasn't driven by emotions, it is practically the same nature as to what both of us did.

"You can write 3000 words about yourself and you still won't be able to finish talking about yourself."
So true, yet i compel myself to write, maybe 3000 words isn't enough, what about 30000 words or even more? There's no goal to write about myself, the only reason i write is because i'm quiet in real life and writing is the only other way i'm able to talk, albeit unconventional.

The All-American Rejects - Move Along

Some changes.

Had an opportunity to go Taman Botani at Putrajaya, t'was a very long day indeed and that place was only amongst the several other ones i've went. Took some cool and wacky pictures there and thought some of them could be used prof. pic and blog pics.

The sudden change for my whole template to the color scheme red isn't that hard to explain why, basically the previous one was teemed with bad mojo and everytime i went in to check, i get annoyed by the emo-ish look of my blog.

So now, not only i changed the scheme but also the theme, i'm talking about the background music, since i'm more of 'whatever goes' and a loner now, the BGMs for No More Heroes seemed to be perfect for me, also liked them layback rock music. Then again sometimes i'm adventurous and playful so the other type of music but still from NMH.

The blog title's picture also pretty much was edited and put up to depict my life and fit the name of my blog more perfectly.

From the dark past to the bright future, 
as so i travel forever, 
on the infinite paths of light.


Not much happen at college, probably cause recently there's not much class to attend to. Yet alot has at home and in terms of myself. Who knew i could adapt to such a life and enjoy it at the same time, who knew. If you want to ask how is it like to have no close friends and a girlfriend, you found the right person, and tell you what, it's one 'hell' of a ride.

Just ignored it.

had a few days of hiatus of studying. couldn't get myself to open books and start reading. but hopefully now i got back my act with things cooling down for me.

----------------------------- News i looked into

Which reminds me, feeling really sympathetic for the major crises the Japanese are coping with, earthquake, tsunami, radiation and probably volcano eruption too. Hopefully the unique calmness and willpower the Japs possess will be able to rebuild their country again. It's a really sad thing because most of the creativity, culture, innovation and technological advancements are abundant over there, it would be a shame due these events they may be negatively affected. But my sympathy goes only so far, to ask me to donate with initiative is not likely.

------------------------------ Thoughts on past and future

Aside from the signs of an apocalypse happening, inversely, with outbursts of negative posts recently and the passing of time, things kinda start settling down, finally coping with changes in life in terms of friends i guess. More or less i just say this is meant to be la, and a sign for me to cope with it. I should realise by now my life is constantly changing, how fast does it change? I believe a span of every 3 months my life will change, easily foreseen that during semester break which ironically lasts for 3 months too and will be taking a life of self-improvement. While for the next semester, things will sort of remain yet i foresee that major changes will happen, one practical change is the inevitable thing that some of the friends are leaving for UK as which I or we, will not see for a long time. One other thing would be the possibility of meeting old faces again.

Any further in the future i can say much but for certain there will be things changing. Among other things, things that stay forever the same is my personality and my thinking although it will expand even further, for better or worse i'm not sure, so far i've taken the route of  a loner and semi optimistic and pessimistic person. Nevertheless only the mind is in turmoil, outside in the real world, nothing's happening much, same ol' same ol' la.

---------------------------- Current status

So how's life treating me now? Ok i guess, if i can ignore the bad stuff, focus the good stuff, all things fine. Basically when things go bad i just start thinking things i like, more or less about WH40K hobby, it keeps my mind busy thinking up lists, strategies, rules bla bla bla yeah i know, you're not interested in that. Anyways, looking forward to be at home then college, no need to constantly see faces i don't like, noises i find annoying and the silent treatment i give to sitting next to me, sorry but if you still don't get that side of me, then lets just assume i'm being cold to you la, that makes much more sense than saying in my heart i constantly wish to start a conversation with you.

---------------------------- My Brother and Junior(No relations, just comparison)

Now for some ramblings on WH40K, for uninterested people, you can stop reading now.

I've tried influencing my brothers and Junior on numerous occasions, the former being almost impossible and the latter which i just go "meh. he's busy la.". From my gatherings, it seems like you can't have someone like something in the steps or sequence you had. For instance, i started playing due to the fluff or the story behind it, as i'm an imaginative person, interesting reads gets me pumped up no matter what context it is as even i find the rulebook immensely interesting to read although i am already mandatory to read it. While that is the beginning, the constant burning of the passion would be the building of one's own army and it's background, less on the wargaming for me as the army i chose had defective units and are not competitive against others mostly.

On the other hand, it is quite hard to understand for me that others choose the other way around it. Specifically i'm talking about one of my brother and Junior's interest in it, do note, i'm just making an observation, nothing is personal is directed at you, although as the image of you swearing when you read this things related to you sounds in my head, i don't really mind but rather i find it damn funny. Anyways, my brother, second elder to be exact, shares remote similarities with Junior, particularly that they are both hot-blooded, passionate and straightforwad, albeit the things that are concerned are different in many ways while maturity and age may be factors. Maybe just coincidence, they are also both Scorpios.

Why is these relevant? I can't be certainly sure but they make remotely similar decisions and views because of it but i'll only talk about in terms wargaming. My bro wanted to play WH40K, and i presume just for the sake of playing with me, he won't play at the shops because he thinks it's degrading or shameful to be there; while Jr. could be said the same too although he definitely is more open-minded and accustomed due to his love for collecting Gundams, Kamen Riders and other miscellaneous figurines and toys.

Furthermore, both share the same reluctance to read where there would be just numbers or words. However i could be the outlier here, Malaysians averagely don't voluntarily read as much i think if compared with even me, especially the mandatory rule stuffs. Because of their straight foward minds, they view it is better to have practical experience than theoretical knowledge and would find learning through practice is better. In my opinion, this is through in most circumstances, but wargaming is not one of them, it requires one to have mathematical and tactical skills, and strictly speaking, those skills are derived mostly from the books required to be read. The opponent will more than often spout stuff you don't know and will be dancing to his beats.



故曰：知彼知己，百戰不殆；不知彼而知己，一勝一負；不知彼，不知己，每戰必殆。
So it is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you can win a hundred battles without a single loss. 

If you only know yourself, but not your opponent, you may win or may lose. 

If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will always endanger yourself. 

故曰: 勝可知，而不可為。

Hence, we can well predict who would win but there is no strategy guaranteeing winning

-  Sun  Tzu

Honestly, learning the rules was quite heavy for me as when Marcus lent me the rulebook, i gave a big sigh, "it's thick." i thought to myself, but i'm an exception to normal people i guess, consequently i found it to be interesting yet a lot of things are needed to be remembered and afterwards i was reading it whilst playing several games with him, giving me a good firm of the whole game.

For the two person i mentioned above, that's nigh the right way approach WH40K from my perspective but as i asked veteran players for help indirectly, i was told to let them explore on their own. I worry too much i guess, these hobby concerns a significant of cash to be used i worried it will be wasted if they half way discontinued. Why do i have a high belief that they will give up? My brother is getting married next year and probably will have a family of his own too whilst Junior has so much things to put his attention into and i sincerely believe it is much more important than progressing in this hobby. We have limited times, use them on yourselves, not on me.

This is a hobby i passionately love but i realized it is not similarly shared, when minds are unalike, they remain unalike, no matter how similar they are. And also of course i find my constant bickering about is super annoying too, "is there anything else besides 'WARHAMMER' in your mind when you talk to me?" is what i get the feeling when i talked about wargaming.

Twit no more.

I finally snapped about Twitter. Who would've knew it could be so annoying that made me delete my account.

I finally slip down towards the lowest level of depression, the mere happiness actually frustrates me, the increasing period of procrastination, jealousy consumes me. Why am i so... desperate? For goodness sake, this is just a phase, nothing have i financial nor socially lost significantly. But why am i making such a freaking big deal out of it?

I'm sick of being like this as you would too just by looking at this blog. All the worse is that i'm putting up a poker face around everyone, pretending i'm ok. Well, in reality, I AM OK. There's nothing wrong on the outside at all, it's just the mind i'm having a hard time to deal with.

Sigh.

As a serious and analytical person, I've come to the conclusion to explain why I'm acting like this, the most likely reason is that I'm an attention seeker, but the coward kind. Because I have no way to get attention in the outer world due to the recent changes, internet was the only way to commune 'feelings' and 'thoughts' to other people, the responses will somehow, feed my restless mind until it feels it has been 'acknowledged', at that moment in time only. This probability was supported by the fact i'm constantly trying to get into wargaming community, to be acknowledged as someone who has a place there where the 'original community' couldn't be 'revived' back.

Because attention couldn't be obtain through even the means of blogging, you never know if your blog was really read. Basically I'm just trying to get into social group, people i can relate to, even if it is only in terms of a common hobby.

Really really honestly? no really really obviously, i haven't went out with friends regularly for what seems like been months. Haven't talked for more than 5 minutes regularly for a long time, you probably assume i was anti-social or a mute if you didn't knew me well. Nobody has planned anything for the whole group to get together since that 'reunion dinner' and that was kinda 'forced'. I couldn't care less afterwards, but turns out nobody had either. We're more concerned with ourselves now, not pointing out who but there are three definite 'splinter' groups, all to which an extent have their own 'plans'.

I foresee that even if we were to get together again, it'll be more obligatory than 'we natural wished' to gather like before. There doesn't seem to be that 'spark' in us when we see each other. Heck there's this person who's already giving me the stink eye and cold shoulders whenever he sees me for crying out loud. It's only a matter of showing that unwillingness to join and unimportance of it, subconsciously or not.

"When you want to do something, you'd move mountains to achieve it. When you don't, you make mountains out of molehills to avoid it."

One thing i still don't get is, why do i mostly see the worst part in people, in society, in this world? There's so many times i envy that carefree attitude of all you people. I just have myself think that something will happen not in favour of yours when things are as obvious as the huge zit on your face.

I've always kept my schedule mostly free for hangouts, now i'm trying so freaking hard to find something to do by myself.

*sigh*

things get so helpless and frustrating, you would be crazy not to have thought about 'ending it all'. But then again, i always tell myself,
"it's not worth it, not now, not ever; live."