Hardest Objective = Accepting Life.

I live by a couple of rules in life.

One of them being the "Tolerate, and then Accept" rule. Which whatever problem you encounter, be it eventful or a person, you have to tolerate it for a certain period of time before completely accepting it as part of your life. An example would be the nuisance that surrounds me.

[If you're reading this again, well, if that's the way you want to know me.]

The point though of this post is to make another 'revelation' on my life. I'm very tired right now so I might be just as straightforward as possible. its like 8 out of 10 girls I meet, which I'm attracted/have a crush/interested whatever you like imagine, are already in a relationship.

Now, I can tell you, it's not fate, although part of me think it is but it's just the way I am. My best guess so far is, girls who are emotionally stable and/or socially extroverted, will tend to or try to help or befriend people. Well I would like to tell myself, "because you're always either sad or angry at something most of the time. And so don't really have a valid reason to complain about this situation."

I admit, I can't find love on my own two feet, I DON'T want to. I'll never meet that someone, because I only know how to react, not ACT.

I ask myself why do I attract girls who are already in a relationship, but I already knew the answer.

And then, I blame it on fate, telling myself I'm destined to be single and putting them in front of me and telling me you'll never get anyone. Which I knew it's all just in the mind, I'm just screwing myself basically.

So freaking tired.

If there is God, Buddha or whatever, I just want to know why. Why can't the next girl I talk to be without this barrier? Why can't I live the way I like and still find love? Is this some kind of divine punishment on me? Because I've sinned?

I don't know how long I can tolerate this BS in life. Without knowing why it is like this; the purpose of this, I can't accept the way things are.

I can't accept the fact, the next girl I like, is inevitably going to be forbidden.

I would be fine with unrequited love, but I can't have it, if it is wrong.

Just this one time, I want to be simply honest.

I couldn't say I have truly loved a girl, because I liked all the girls I had lovingly talked with.
I am simple and easy as that, because I rarely talk to be people, and even less when I can tell someone about my feelings.

People expect a man to be straightforward and shallow in his personality, to be emotionally strong. I try to behave in such a way, but my heart just disagrees with me, deep down inside I feel very frail and weak.

Love is too selfish a word if the other person doesn't feel the same way, but I am selfish.

Is it so wrong for a person to put so much thought in a person's simple gesture of kindness to your well-being?
I feel broken, lost-whatever you want to call it. This introverted personality of mine, I hate it. This simple non-life changing fate that I have, I hate it.

I'm jealous, of the things normal people like to do, which I never like doing. Why are there so little people like me?
If I had wish, it's a wish to have more people like me, so I wouldn't feel so different.

So I wouldn't feel like I'm a freak, a weirdo who loves someone just because she cares, for that tiny part of your life.

Just this one time, I want to be simply honest to myself.
I just want someone to love me and be with me, for who I am.

Re bow bow bow curve

Last Wednesday, I went on a club trip to Bow Sports, guess what they sell. Most awkward trip I've been to, the seriously think I was the first only ever Asian to be on the trip, yay for being first? But it's different and fun nonetheless, although I wished I brought my earphones along, there was a lot of waiting involved and I don't like having nothing to listen to.

I wasn't expecting anything grand really, British buildings are mostly boring if you ask me, though the shop being partly a warehouse wasn't in my mind when went on the Google Car.

My recurve bow in all its shiny silver and all the pounds it sucked out from me. There are arrows and bags too that I bought. Was sad that not much of the stuff came with purple as an option.

I only get to string my bow on Saturday because *gasp* I didn't know how for sure.

And I still haven't shot it, anxiously waiting for Wednesday.

Although this is just me talking to myself, thanks to the club for giving me this opportunity and my seniors Dave and Emily for teaching me the bow stuff.

I'm really glad I picked up on archery. Wouldn't know how dull my life would be here if I didn't.

Really John, really?

I like how everyone is discreetly religious. You can never really poke fun because they don't preach about the controversial stuff but just commonly acknowledging their faith.

Because admittedly you know there is some serious flaws in them when you question, at least I'm not as gullible as I used to be. But if you wish to describe the omnipotent being, it's really indescribable. Any kind of explanation we wish to give would be disproved, and I mean anything.

Nevertheless, if you asked me, I would first tell you, don't believe everything your religion tells you. The history behind it is just a story to get you interested, what you really want to keep in mind, is the basic virtues that it teaches. Virtues or moralities that is common to everyone and does not discriminate anything or anyone. You would soon realise all religions have similar values that they strife to teach, if only the world is not as divided as it is, all of them could just clump together and our descendants wouldn't know the difference. In short, religion is just moral studies with customs and traditions implemented by the founders, why? To create a sort of 'control', yet it fails miserably and becomes contradictory before our very individualism.

Funny thing about humans, we're genetically bred to be able to differentiate right and wrong, the feeling of compassion and empathy exists as long as the brain works fine, yet what shape most people as to who they are now is because of all these vast numbers of factors in this world that affects us. We look at an environment or guidance to do something; psychological, sociological, biological, economical, political factors.

So where do my belief belong? Atheism or Religion? Neither, I like being in the grey area. Mainly I just trust myself and what I think is right and what is real to me. If I believe in Buddha or something similar it's either I truly do so or I just wish so, do I control my fate? A bit of no but more towards a yes, I like to believe life is a gamble, I'm just playing it safe so I can choose my path more rationally which is rather I have a mildly fun life.

Am I evil? Hah, I make a lot of mistakes in life but I wouldn't say I'm evil. Neither am I good, because I only do what is right for me and others, the right choice is never always the kind and friendly one.

Can' remember or don't want to remember?

Hahahah, do you realise how far down "love" is on the list of things I can do?

Hilarious.

Given the way I've been living, it's a miracle that there are still friends that talk to me.

I wonder how quick it was the number of friends I have dwindled down since this year.

I don't even remember half of the things that had happened this year, the classes on my second year are as cloudy as my memories during secondary school years.

Did it passed so meaninglessly? Recalling it gives me a headache. Silly me, I have my blog. 

Though I'm not sure I want to remember.



In other news

Feeling better nowadays, mainly because I have other things to look forward.

I've bought a couple of shirts online, found out I like online shopping, most laziest shopping one can do. Let's hope I have enough for CNY.

The next best thing I look forward to, is getting my own bow. The archery club I joined had set up a trip to a place called Wolverhampton where a shop called BowSports to have us all get our own archery gear this Wednesday.

It's very costing though, I need to spend about 250 pounds inlcuding other things than just the trip. Another way of looking at it though, that is how much one army of miniatures that I play costs. So technically I'm buying another army, in the form of a kick-ass bow.

If you looked at my calender, you would think I'm some sort of maniac(maybe already am) because I wrote "archery" a lot in it. To be clearer, it's on the days that I have a session to train. Though I also calculated how many days is that (82). Still normal.

You could say it's only pure passion that's driving me to pursue archery. When there's so little you can do for fun here, the few you have becomes the things you constantly have in mind.

It's only because of this reason or at least mostly, that I will miss Aberystwyth a lot. The club members with positions will definitely be people who I'll remember even if they won't get to know me much, but I guess being the only committed Asian member might make me stand out.

But I'm here only for less than a year, then I have to say my goodbyes, goodbyes that may prove to last a very very long time.

The mind continues to wonder off.

A test of my faith in myself? Perhaps.

There's these rare times I feel good being alone. I don't know why, but.

Whatever people are doing, they don't affect you, neither do you.

You just feel them; the people, the world around you, as if you were able to drift in that feeling.

Even though now, as I write, the kitchen is as noisy as usual but I couldn't care more than the previous times it is. If life is going to be like,well, I'm just going to embrace it.

I'm tired, but the 'good' kind of tired. Like the worries of the world momentarily loses its weight.
Feeling at peace.

Sometimes you wonder, if someone finally falls in love with you and you fall in love with her too. Would this feelings slowly, disappear?

You would only think of her, what's best for each other, what's it going to be like with her. An emotional obsession. Would this 'freedom' disappear?

For that matter, do I really need a girlfriend then? A relationship?
Thinking much about my past, when you're with yourself, things gets grey. No right and wrong path, just the path that suits you.

One thing I do know, is you can't stop feeling love. I love a lot of things although I give the impression that a girl is pretty much the thing often resides in my mind.
I love my family, although I don't show it.
I love life itself, regardless of its gruesome and cold side.
I love music, the thing that accompanies me most of the time.
I love creating, either art, story or videos.
I love games and anime, you could actually say my moral standings is shaped mainly by them.
I love studying, despite I find ways to reduce it, it's really just because it's not my top priority in life.

Last but not least, I love myself, the only person I try my best to make him happy. You could say this is sort of my conscience, my brain speaking to my heart or soul. The only person who understands me and, is always there for me. Might explain why I always look at my own hand for a good amount of time.

This increasing solitude just makes me realise, this 'loving someone' is really just my human instinct. It's not true love if I just jump around girls so frequently. It's just a feeling of needing someone to understand you, which is not alot of people do. They try; either they fail or I avoid confrontation.

One thing people will come to understand is close or best friends don't last once they found someone, at least not a lot. Whether or not they understand your situation or not, they just don't have the time for you.

With my 'unique' personality, I don't get a lot of people to understand me, or rather it's more of being misunderstood actually.

People change I guess, when once I enjoyed having a lot of friends, and now, I only cherish the ones that are true to me. I'm more quiet than I ever was, a sign of anti-social? No, I just like peaceful environments.

I came to UK, knowing well the time that I usually sleep will make me sleep early, something I want to take advantage of. Yet most people, here in my flat change for the worse, you'd actually sleep even later if you were in Malaysia.

I don't like to call myself mature, I'd even hate to admit. But somehow the things I'm interested seemed so different from people around my age. Is my mind growing older than my body? Or are people just more carefree of life?

Maybe some part of me have matured, or numbed, or got bored with something people normally enjoy. I have a slight tendency to like things not a lot of Malaysians do. But, am I not Malaysian? Is the ways my family have been living so different?

This outside world is so unknown and strange to me.

Hey.

Off topic sentence here:

If you want to, we can talk like normal people talking through the internet. There is no need for indirect implications that leaves me wondering if I'm just being paranoid. Either way, reading anything from here is just mentally bad for yourself and others (like I said, I know), This blog is my dump site for emotional crap that I eventually forget about. If I'm that despicable or pathetic to know, it shouldn't be hard for you to stop reading.

Anyways, I like to update on more practical stuff.

Cooking, I've been learning to make sandwiches by just randomly experimenting with different kinds of meat, marinating them the same to see which tastes best, so far it's either beef or pork that tastes the nicest. I've been getting the hang of making omellete too, I realise 3 eggs is always the minimum to mix vegetables into it or else there won't enough egg for it to stick with.

It has by far saved me a lot of money on food. Although sandwiches is not the only things I make, it's the most easiest and fastest way to fill my tummy.

My hobby on minis is finally progressing at a satisfying rate now, it has been keeping me company most of the time. I've bought all that I want and it is just a matter of having the time to finish them all. I miss the shop back home, the club here has a very limited time to play and I'm busy around those days.

Busy as in on Wednesday I have archery to practice. So moving on to shooting arrows, Those few times I get to practice is very precious to me, I like it alot even though the couple doesn't come often because I genuinely wanted to become good at it. I look forward to the day I have could happily say "I own a bow". The coach that is teaching is not bad either, I realise everything about shooting an arrow has a factor to keep the mind onto, like the posture of your body, position of the arms, flexibility of the arrow, strength of the limbs of the bow etc...

Regardless, I have rather weak fingers when I pull the string of the bow and weak arm strength. Have been doing push ups and bought myself a shooting glove ever since.

There will be a beginner's competition soon and I like to join it.

It's just the initiation process for the club that I don't look forward to.

Married to a Girl (Dream)

Most epic weird dream of all time.

Dreamed I was married to a rich Malay girl but have no idea how I did and any of our past time together were like.
However, cheated on her with someone, also no idea how that happened.
Regardless, there were divorce procedures and my questions still unanswered, mostly I didn't even get to meet her.

The procedures were smooth, as if they understood I had some kind of amnesia and wasn't my fault.

What I really wanted to know was who that girl was, maybe there was a reason why we're married then I wouldn't want to get divorced.

Stepping back a bit, the right question to ask was, why did I had such a dream? As far as I know, I do not know or am familiar with such an ethnic background. Dreams are always a random connection between memories whether old or new. It's said we dream because it is the 'by product' of our memory strengthening function in our brain. Our subconscious mind inevitably tries to make sense of this process, possibly trying not wake us up and halting it mid-way.

By that hypothesis, it makes sense why I can't see her face because maybe she's possibly just an idea or general knowledge manifested into a dream. But this gets you thinking about my subconscious mind may influence my perspective in life. Does this dream represent something more? Does it mean to say deep down, I have no concern for ethnicity or religion when it comes to love? Or that I can't love one person because in the end I found myself having an affair with someone else?

Nothing's certain about this, but once I retain some control, as in having a lucid dream, I didn't want to divorce. I wanted to be with her, know who she was, but more important, why she chose me.

It is just a dream, but dreams are where I really am and not at the same time. A place where I am myself.
I don't want to wake up looking at the ceiling, feeling so lost and lonely.

The only place left.

It's funny how life always find something to freaking annoy the hell out of you.

There are people who are stressed out by common things, which are either work or study. I have neither of those for now because I've always have been an easy-going guy.

But for some reason life gives you one to stress about.

The number one stressful thing in my life is society; fitting in, considerate, commitment, politeness, honesty and that crap I try to follow as best I can. But then there's people who doesn't have such a sense of righteousness or have single care for it.

I thought life would be a bit better, moving to a new life, but for some reason the past life follows me every where. This life isn't new, I know the feel of it, only it had gotten worse.

The most frustrating part of my life now is not being able to make new friends. Is it because I don't have a camera in hand or is it because this is who I really am?

I've always been quiet, not to point of being mute but still alright. Paranoia sets in here; do people think I'm unsocial because of it? Do they think I'm intimidating? Do they find me revolting in some way?

Let me start as to who lives in my flat, there's a total of 8 people in one section, 4 rooms divided by the kitchen in the middle. On my side, there's a chinese girl from China, a couple from M'sia, a guy from Poland. They are all quite ok people, the chinese girl mostly stays in her room or is somewhere else other than in the flat. The couple is likely rich, almost always travels during the weekends. The polish guy is pretty much like the chinese girl.

The freaking problem people are on the other side of the flat, this may or may not include all of them but I can guarantee you it's always from there. One main thing I can say is, they are all Malaysians, who doesn't sleep late at night, first problem because they invite people (who are also Malaysians). I don't know whether or not they have been drinking or they are sober but they freaking noisy out in the kitchen, just to mention the rooms aren't sound proof. Noises include, singing terribly, doing terrible accents, laughing loudly, playing music and more recently, watching movie and playing the guitar (one of them bought it).

THESE ARE MALAYSIANS. One look at the opposite block from ours, you see NO ONE in the kitchen and are generally Caucasians. What does that indicate? In my opinion, this is just setting a bad example to our people. I'm definitely certain the polish guy who lives next to me suffers the problem too, albeit less annoying since I'm the one living next to the kitchen.

This is not their home, it's a collection of different people with different lifestyles living in the same household. There must be a freaking limit to what you can do at a set a period of time, a compromise between each other. Do I need to spell out what is EXPECTED for people to consider in such circumstances or is it not OBVIOUS enough to notice what you are doing affects others adversely? Are people that ignorant or are they really just idiots of society?

We're in our 20s already, and this is the level of maturity and responsibility we Malaysians exhibit. Quite honestly I'm not even sure if they any real goals in their lives.

Moving on...

I've been asked or invited about this, which is about travelling to other places.
I like to remind myself and every other people who hasn't contemplated about it, is that we came here for a purpose, to study.

Easiest to counter argue this is that we have to enjoy ourselves too.

'Enjoyment' is a subjective matter, ladies and gentlemen. Because it is different for everyone.
Although travelling is generally what most people want to do, I'm not in the general category.

My enjoyment does not require me to travel in cars, trains or planes.

The internet is the simplest gateway to my enjoyment, Most of my entertainment derives from it, movies, cartoons, shows, animes, games, books, socialising etc. the list goes on.

More common activities I like doing is, writing/reading/singing/dancing/painting/gaming.

If I have to travel, I would only enjoy it if I had good company or somewhere I really wanted to go. I don't have good company because people who invite me are couples, and I don't to be a freaking light bulb. Second reason I don't have good company is because they ignore me, simple as that. You'd think only people who don't know much about it would be such persons but no, I don't want to be naming people although I want to, but what is the point really, what happened has happened.

I have places I want to go but not now, which comes to my next point. There is a balance between studying and playing. This 'balance' is also different for each people, smarter persons require less to study and more time to have fun, vice versa. I'm the kind of guy who wants to be prepared throughout the term regardless if I'm good or not. Too much fun induces guilt inside of me and I hate that feeling.

That said, I hate people telling me I'm unsocial or 'am wasting my free time staying here'.
Why can't stay here for most of my term? I freaking like Aberystwyth, everything is within a walking distance to get and obtain, why the hell do I want to sit for hours in the train to go shopping. To be honest, I'm not a suburban kind of guy even though I live near KL. I love the the peace and quiet of my home and the simple town that is Rawang, it's only now that it's starting to expand bigger. Aberystwyth reminds me of my home because of it's simplistic lifestyle. The only difference is that I'm here all alone. Nevertheless I just want to get used to Aberystwyth, it's a place that I want to stay, ignore the annoying flatmates for just this point.

I'm 'unsocial' not because I am, it's because view me as one. As far as I know, there's not a lot of people with my interests in life, people just don't see that I like living this way. Except for my family, no one gets me, let alone people who just know me.

Leading to where I talk about this girl who totally ignores me halfway when chatting in FB, we've never talked in real life beforehand (same course, same university). This is the first time someone who just abruptly stops, talking to me. I've always been myself when I chat online because there's no pressure in time to respond. Better yet, she was the one who initiated to talk, whilst I just subsequently initiated a SINGLE chat on the following day.

What's interesting is the days afterward, for your information she often comes to our flat's kitchen to hangout with the people on the other side from mine. I'm practically a ghost to her. As I'm typing this I am reminded there is another girl in the gang who ignored me too but since she always have been and I'm not interested in a person who likes drinking, for some reason I don't like her.

Anyways, so as being a ghost which can manipulate objects, she ignores me entirely, like we don't know each other or never talked to each other. This has continued since then and we've never chatted on FB.

Moving on to people ignoring me, it's like when I'm in the kitchen, I feel like I'm not suppose to be there by these people.
Well, whenever this happens I've always wanted to scream out loud to them that I F*CKING LIVE HERE, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. I mean come on people, I'm not a freeloader, I paid to stay here and I will use the kitchen room however I like. In fact this people that ignores me, DOESN'T even live in the flat, it's people who were invited by 'them'. Tell me, doesn't this make you want to scream the top of your lungs?

It just makes me want to make a seriously epic facepalm to myself.
In the end, when I look at my situation from a third person perspective, I'm the only one who's making myself suffer, it's all psychological really. What I've always been trying to do is think of these people as friends, but you know what, it's easier to just see them as strangers since they treat me like a stranger. The difference here is merely that we're strangers living together.

So for whatever they have done that has affected me, I could easily say this in return, in very simple derogatory terms, although less equal in value:

"F*ck you, too."

When was the last time when I, myself successfully made friends.

I can't remember at all.

It's been countless failures when I tried again...

Inaban from Kokoro Connect

I'm her, for some reason this character's personalities is almost like me, albeit simplified and a female version of me. The similarities is so, unbelievable.

Is it by chance I found this anime?

How would my story differ from her?

Status Report

It's not like I had abandoned my blog, just that I'm trying to wait for a time I'm emotionally stable and write something normal for a change.

So here I am, in UK for little more than a week. I would say I still have some more settling down to do but I'm more or less comfortable with living here.

Aberystwyth is in Wales which is infamous for its steep hills and slopes. Aside from my weak stamina, every experience so far is good. A very convenient place to live since everything is within a few minutes reach depending on the transportation method.

I'm beginning to see how I truly get along with the world, I don't plan on relying too much on my friends but it is inevitable. Because you rely on someone, you end up not realising how you could even stand on your own.

But I'm not saying you should never seek help, although somtimes help comes when you least expect it. During my flight to Dubai, for your information I've never flew alone so it was a very nervous time of my life. For some miracle, an old lady that was very knowledgeable in travelling since she had been for some 30 years now; coincidentally she was criminal lawyer with a flawless record until this year that she retired.

Unfortunately, the email she gave was either wrong or I made a mistake. I forever will not be able to contact her. But I guess she's someone I'll always remember.

Back to my point though, I have shared things with my flatmates, but then I have not shared myself. My company and the real me to precise. My true identity, living here will define who I am and how I would deal with most situations.

My first lesson, living together with someone is to mean that you have to make compromises. Compromises that either benefits you or the person you're living with. Yet I see people still clinging to "friends" as the status of the relationship to such a scenario.

People will suffer because you can't sacrifice something for them. Yet, this simple logic among flatmates is not mutual, we would rather live by own rules than the equal enjoyment of everyone.

I can't agree to parties/crowds held in residence, even if I'm in one, because I know someone is not invited and will be adversely affected by it. That is why I will not be in one as much as possible.

There's so much to say, but for now,
tolerate and understand people equally.

Bye Bye To You.

If you're reading this, that means I'm already in UK.

I don't think I'll have much time blogging there since I'll be settling down for quite some time.

Regardless, I just want to say,

I'm leaving home. I don't know when it will kick in, but I feel as though I'm holding it down as much as I could.

To my friends,

I'm always there, yet not really worth looking out for. I'll always remember the good times we had, non of this imaginary "changes" that my mind cooked up to stay sane. Even if I'm not the one to talk to, the one to look for help, the one for your shoulder. I was a friend that could have done those. A friend nevertheless.

If I make it through, it'll all because the things that happened in the past, the people I have around and the future that I hoped for.

If not. Well let's just say I'll give it all to see your faces back at Malaysia.

MQ, JA , anyone else that I think is reading, who knows for certain really. I'll miss you all, and will always have a special memory in my mind.

Idols are suppose to be a leading example to their fans, no?

http://www.allkpop.com/2012/09/big-bangs-seungri-caught-up-in-sex-scandal-rumors-after-release-of-pictures-by-japanese-tabloid-friday

I just like the arguments that entails afterwards, this one seems the most rational.

this is from netizen buzz

The next nate pann post
is a male K-Pop fan that decided to share his two cents while watching
over the Seungri scandal. It received a lot of agreement from both fans
and non-fans alike.

"Through this scandal, I've learned how to differentiate between fans
and dumb fangirls. Despite none of us knowing whether it could or could
not be Seungri in the pictures, it is because of all of his dumb
fangirls that everyone who would not have otherwise found out now know.
They act like they're trying to protect Seungri, but they don't know
that what they're doing right now is just making it harder for him to
recover.

They can try to hide and shield everything all they want now, but what
are they going to do when it is later confirmed that it was indeed
Seungri? Because of all of the sh*t they laid out, Seungri is going to
be hated on for that much more. You fans are seriously no different from
Friday.

Arguing over a few unidentified pictures and all of you blindly and
aggressively pushing for your side being right is only making it harder
for Seungri. If you're a true fan that loves him, you need to stay
quiet.

And to all of those brainless fans that are saying it doesn't matter if
an adult male has a one night with a female... Is Seungri some nobody?
He's someone that has the power to influence the youth. People follow
everything idols do lately, and because of you dumb fangirls, they're
going to grow up thinking that when everyone grows up, everyone has one
night stands like the norm.

And finally to everyone saying this is a conspiracy created by the
government.. Why the hell would the Japanese government release
something like this to cover something in the Korean government? You
guys are so frustrating..

I wanted to stay quiet and just watch over the issue but you guys keep bit*hing and bit*hing."

I agree completely with this person, so international Kpop fans should grow up and stop making this seem like it's nothing.

Then again, I care not for a musician's personal life. All it matters for people like them to create original and amazing art; and people like us to decide if it is truly art. 

Sober time.

I hope I have enough time to write this, it's rare to blog at an hour that Jake has a rational mind.

Anyways, I am well. I've almost got everything sorted out. All the major payments for my one year in UK has been made.

My luggage apparently has been packed for quite a while, I think it was too early but my mum insisted. One bag for surviving and another for gaming. A tiny bit extreme but yeah, I didn't had to bring much if I don't bring my miniatures.

Another 19-20 days left. I'm not scared or anything, I'm anticipating and waiting for abroad studying. Somehow I feel like if I don't go, I'll never know if I really had my own will to live; not because people have to take care of me thus far.

I also want to know if I really liked my past friends. Since I severed the connection, the times I'm reminded about them are getting less and less, but when I do I still work through the connections and take a glimpse of their status. By going to UK, it's either I make new friends or people make friends out of me.

I hope I won't be swayed by love there either, it's hard to imagine myself be together with a foreigner in terms of practicality of relationships. Everyone's going to try to depend on themselves to survive, I highly doubt people from here are available anyways.

---The group of people I've joined in Facebook which I'm going to be living together also pondered the question of an apocalyptic world, specifically if it was zombie infested one. All the better to prove whether I'm capable to live in this world. Of course the realistic goal to study abroad is to get a decent degree, but that's not so much a concern as to improving myself to be a better and stronger person.

I want to become someone reliable and trustworthy. Without that guaranteed lending of help that can be found at my home, I'm forced to make the decisions to earn myself the right to choose my own paths.

---I'd hope to say goodbye to my friends that are staying back here, but we've distant from each other for too far and too long, in both mind and soul.

Regardless, a farewell to you who is reading, and to the people that can't read this, is needed no matter what form it takes. From the bottom of my heart I've missed you all, but my other side proves to be polarized and pessimistic against everyone.

I really loved you all, but it hurts.
If you believe in reincarnation, I hope we meet again in another lifetime, with a better me.

23 Days Left.

Don't have much to say. Just counting how much time I have left.

Let our swords slay through the darkness that is in your clouded mind.

Med. Report - Could've been worse.

High uric acid level, immune system to hepatitis b almost non-existent, liver activity abnormally high.

Yeah, I could use a bit of motivation in life.

Staying Quiet.

Is not having someone to talk to, a problem?

Maybe, I'm getting headaches doing nothing but painting and checking the internet during the weekdays.

Messaging is not enough, just not enough.

The wait is just painful.

When, you live in the present, everything is done now, nothing is done in the future; nothing can be changed in the past.

This, is one of the times I question what is more to life now? I feel like a robot waiting for it's transference to another facility, either continue to repeat what has been programmed to do or get a personality upgrade and interact with humans.

Are you reading this? Do you find me pitiful? Do you feel better about yourself now?

Am I paranoid? Let me ask you then, if you were me, if you were really me, how would you feel if you are always thinking, thinking, thinking and thinking; nothing to distract yourself, from yourself.

You wouldn't be able to, but I can understand, because I see the same way as you see me, like two minds endless arguing what is right, what is wrong.

In stories, whether fictional or true, someone's always there for the main character to interact to flesh out his personality and characteristics. I always thought life is full of colours, bright ones and dark ones, never totally gray. But somehow, I always end up to be the odd one out.

I end up being a story I've heard of, because I have no idea what to expect in the future. I'm like no other person's life, maybe a few similarities but never have I felt I belonged and suited.

Has anyone played the silent, lone wolf, kind, tolerant, patient, anxious and cautious main character? It's not easy, the character is prone to social anxiety disorder if it does not regularly interact with people. What is this character going to do, if there is no NPCs or other team members to talk to but only able to do quests and level up. Why does such a person exist?

Signs (She's not into you)

F*ck.

Noviophobia

41 Days to Go.

My future local shop to go to.

Yes, it is a miniature shop.

Weeping night.

I remember that complexion of yours, but never really of the present.
Because I haven't seen you for a while, since we never tried to.
Though that's all I really need, that time we've been together.

My birthday just ended, four hours ago. It's a weird feeling no one truly remembers your birthday unless you have a facebook account.

I spent it with my family, and I believe that's truly enough. Because I rather spend it with people I care. When you have so much time for yourself, even though you keep yourself busy with things to do, when you don't talk, you think.

I haven't been doing much physically, as in I'm just painting and gaming for most of my holidays. But what people can't see is I'm trying hard to understand other people and myself as to their feelings and situations. When I'm with myself, life is hard to be looked in a simple way.

You'd think deeply why you're actually doing something. Like why I'm actually sms-ing this girl for. She has a life of her own, a person to love but finds some time to chat with me every now and then. On the pre-text, I'm just a friend who's a bit nosy but considerate, but actually just wants to interact with someone other than my family, yet all I feel is a sense of guilt.

Human beings are selfish and funny people, when life sucks their first thought would be not to look at himself but putting the blame on anything possible. Yet when they realise this, they continue to make the same mistake and tries to blame someone else again, I guess they are forgetful too.

I don't remember many of my friends' birthdays either. So I guess I can understand why others can't. However, so many things in life influence the importance of my first existence that I can't help but wonder why I'm not important enough to remember at the beginning. It is always at the end when you come to realisation that that thinking is simply selfish.

A note to readers and to my 21 year old self, don't ever try to leave your friends or remove contact for any reason. You'll regret it big time, trying to remedy your mistake is going to be really difficult. Whether your friends are a bad influence or not, if he or she still lends an ear for you, the best you can do is lend yours back.

Or you'll end up like me, no one to really trust, no one to talk about it in real life.
All reduced to texts that is hard to show any emotion whatsoever.

21 year old self, read this again when you get to UK, remind yourself that you still have your family, and they are always with you, wherever you are.


Look forward to the future, look forward to the new friends you will make, look forward to the rest of your life.


I can't anymore, can't think straight. Good night.

Keeping myself busy, try not to look back.

If you're wondering what other less important stuff I do, here's some pic.

I did some of this..

a few of those..

Played this with my brothers,

and this game,

and finally, finished this game.

Oh, not to mention a few cartoons and animes, Adventure Time, Regular Show to be specific.

A geeky life indeed, which I'm quite content with. Though every once in a while I "visit" other people, like their blogs/twitters/facebooks. Curiosity gets the best of me I guess. But I try not to think about my social well-being as much as possible, it gets me down for no reason. I'm reasonably at better terms with myself now since I've locked down on my "visits".

However, soon I'll have to re-use Facebook, to keep contact with my family with pictures and what not. Which I fear I may not have control over my "visits". As my anonymous and/or imaginary readers would know, knowing other's life has a negative effect over my mind which I can't help it.

I just hope, the new life would keep me from looking back. Seeking old friends as a closure for my insecurity is bad for my health, and I mean it seriously.

Till next time, readers.

What would I do every-UK-day.

There's a very high chance I either vlog or take dozens of pictures everyday when I'm there.

Less than two months and counting. Have I told you I'm going to miss a lot of things back here? I think I have, but probably not specifically you.

There's something to be brace for here. Reminiscing the past is a rather different from reminiscing the place where the past happened. Leaving my home would be like leaving my memories back because not many things will remind you of your past when you're going to live in a new place.

I've been reminded a lot about the times when I helped managing the prom. Mainly because when I drive to the EMS or VFS centers, I bypass Renaissance Hotel. Somehow fate guides me back to my past, no ominous reasons I reckon, it's really just me.

The memories are still fresh, since it's still less than a year, though feels much longer than. I guess it's because it was one of the final best days of my life college life. It was the final days I interacted with considerable amount of people, the day I first performed on a stage even for a brief moment.

But the night itself wasn't all good, I realised one can't enjoy the event when one manages it at the same time. It was one of those days that you regret not being honest with your feelings with someone you like. It really felt like I blew off my big chance. The rest was pretty much downhill and history.

Sometimes I question myself, whether I'm ready to aim high or be in a relationship. Now I have to continue pondering overseas.

I've lost the chance to talk to anyone honestly and wholeheartedly, now I bear the consequences.
And yet now, I accept them honestly and wholeheartedly.

A story of a visa application and a bank draft.

Readers, stalkers, anonymous and random internet traffic, what a wonderful day isn't it? It's good to write to you again and thank you for stumbling again into my nest of joy.

Imagine, the day I think about the world in such light, must be decades from now. Anyways, call me crazy, but I'm blogging again, so read it maybe?

Did the last few things for my visa application, almost smooth sailing until the few last parts but nothing major. One thing I wasn't expecting was the security measures the department has. No bags, off phones, metal detector, password locked doors and strangely, foreign security guards wearing cowboy hats. If I knew the security was so uptight I wouldn't have brought along my mum since only applicants are allowed to go inside.

I had all the documents except for the visa app. fee, which requires to be paid by bank draft. I tell you, it was like a mini challenge I had to complete, my app. can't be processed until I've done that and the girl told me I had an hour to get one. I was thinking I had a lot of time but you encounter bumps in the roads in this sort of situations usually.

First and embarassingly, never solo-ed doing anything financial or important, like a simple task as getting a bank draft. And it is, but this particular bank made it seemed a little bit more. I was lucky there were nearby banks in the area, the closest and biggest was the Citibank Tower which to my amaze can't let you do bank drafts without an account from the bank. The only other closest bank and I'm familiar with is Maybank, across the road.

Note if I had plenty of time, I wouldn't have rushed while wearing a long sleeved shirt in the nice hot weather of KL. It took exactly one hour for me just to apply and get a bank draft, all within walking distance, I had to wait for the slow service of Maybank as for an additional information. It took another hour to wait for biometric scans. If they accepted cash, it wouldn't have taken more than an hour. But I know, visas are important stuff, you have to strict about the procedures and stuff but I think the standard was too high. It's not like people want to bomb people that just wants to work or study overseas and certainly there was no UK staffs there.

In the end, the visa application and bank draft got together and they lived happily ever after, until I get my visa approved.

Radiohead - No Surprises

Court Moar! Accommodation confirmed.

Single room. It some how feels like a wish I didn't really made but came true.

Living abroad, it still feels like a dream. From the description it seems like a pretty descent and cool place to live. There's no Eden's garden there but I like the simple and clean look.

I wonder who I'll be living with though, asians, caucasians , british, or other foreigners? Although I wrote in my application that I'm more comfortable with my own people back here but my curiosity of the new and different gets the best of me.

But I like to emphasis again, I'm living in my own room. I expected to share a room with someone but I guess not. I can't stop imagining how it's gonna be. It's exciting.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Onto other matters. Last two weeks ago, I mentioned I went to a movie alone, which I did. Kinda awkward when I get there (I was slightly late) and a couple which was going to the same hall was walking in front of me, almost as if I was stalking them. It was total darkness and I couldn't find a nice seat to watch Spiderman, mainly because I knew no one and was late so the good spots were filled; I sat almost very near to the screen.

The movie itself wasn't bad except that it was in 3D which I spend sometime fiddling with my 3D glasses as it's totally annoying and makes me slightly dizzy. The bad thing about 3D in Malaysian cinemas is that it's not true 3D, it's more like a pop out art in a child's interactive storybook; it's still flat.

Nevertheless, the story itself was descent, better than the previous version, the main character wasn't a pussy and he was never friendzoned by the main female character. The plot was simple, I can't say whether it follows the original but I've never seen this version of Spiderman which couldn't web shot naturally. Instead of just a photographer, he was to some extent a genius; making portable devices that shoot spider webs. I'm pretty much betting he would be the next hero to be in the second of movie of Avengers, if there ever was going to be a sequel; this guy fits so much better than the original one which was a total nerd, since Peter Parker was suppose to be witty and funny.

The action was pretty cool too, if it wasn't in 3D I'd probably enjoyed it better since I'm forced to focus on the things which the movie points towards.

It was a different experience watching a movie without anyone's company, as soon as the movie ends, I walked right out. I bump into a classmate but I guess that's pretty much all. Most of the people that went there were just unknown to me.

I'll be going for the next one this Saturday, not gonna miss Batman for sure. It's good news that I can still enjoy life by myself.

Moving Away, and Forward.

Hello, it's that time of the month. Where reality sets in deep again and I have to lug my heavy self from it again.

But let's talk a little about how I'm doing these days, we more or less know what a train wreck this mind is like.

My preparations for studying abroad, I got my CAS letter and most of my things done. The results I got were surprising as usual, I imagined I did worse than my first year, like a stock exchange, my grades gradually goes up and then comes down, so I never really know what to expect.

I could actually go to Cardiff with this, but I like to be certain of entering a university in UK, besides that Aberystwyth is cheaper and supposively easier to study. Now I just need to do my visa application.

Barely just two months away from leaving my home for 9 months. I'm both anxious and excited to go there, it seems staying away from college just doesn't satisfy for me, I needed more closure. There's a few who are going to the same university with me, although I thought about living at the same residence, I decided it was better if I met other people. The lingering past just won't go away if I kept clinging to it ever so slightly.

It does seem to have a negative effect when it comes to a one-sided 'contact', I wanted to know how some of my friends are doing, but knowing somehow hurts me. Because I'm not there when they are happy, or is it because I'm not the one to give that happiness? I just know the more that I knew, the more cloudy my mind gets and it's wrong to be this way.

It's hard to imagine a life with my old friends in the future, the friendship is more or less decaying ever slowly. They say when you meet one in a long while, we'd talk as if we used to in the past, what if that chance never befalls to you? The only thing I can imagine properly is my unknown future, an exciting yet lonely world is ahead of me.

I've got a few plans and activities to do when I'm at UK. First and hopefully they have an active wargaming club that I can frequent to, if not I'd be spending most of my time painting my miniatures instead. I always had an interest in archery but there's no where in Malaysia to properly learn so I'm planning to join the archery club in the university. Shooting a target at long range just tingles my bones somehow.

I'd probably go to Venice as my main travelling experience if I was to travel to the European countries. A city that is surrounded by water, and not only that; artistry, architecture, music and culture. I hope to experience these things. Paris, to visit the museum which holds the art of Mona Lisa and other masterpieces. Italy for Eiffel Tower and Tower of Pisa, Rome for the aqueducts and the Coliseum.

The adventure aside, I'll be missing my family the most, I do wonder how I am going to fair with a life with myself and flatmates and classmates. Things would be very different. That is the most curious part of my stay at abroad. Sometimes I think the worst possible situation, an apocalyptic end away from family? I hope it's the zombie version so at least I can try and travel back to find my family.

Radiohead - Creep (cover) by Daniela Andrade

Radiohead Creep Acoustic Flash

When you're sad, any song fits your situation.

But not this time, not this time.

True Story.

After doing all the studying...

Movie Day Solo.

Will be going for Movie Day on Saturday.

No, just myself. I like to walk at a shopping mall alone for every once in a very long while.

How I feel about it.

Bad person? & Hobby Forge

The saying goes, "If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.". I can do that in real life, but often I write more bad things more than I say.

I regret them but it just keeps happening. I wondered if technology adversely affects or something, it's supposed to help me socialise yet I abuse the method of using it.

There's also times I wonder if this side of me is inherently bad. This villain in me is only trapped from moving about in real life but the mind lets it loose to the virtual world, only in certain moments I can resist it's temptation.

But enough about that, I've already written dozens of different ways to write about my problem, I think I should take a break and pretend to talk about my recent happenings.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recently I...

Painted this (red ones)

Built and painted this.

And a bunch of small soldiers.

My life is not exciting I know, but keeps a negative thinking mind positive.

On weekends, I usually play my usual wargames with fellow players. It's not a great social community but one that it's at least a place I like to hang out.

I don't talk much about the place, huh?

Alvin, the Hobby Forge owner.

It's where I'd rather be since I don't fit well in any other place, except for home.

A trip there from Rawang takes about 15 to 30 minutes depending on traffic and how fast drive on the highway. It's fairly far considering what I do over there but worth it I guess.

This wasn't the first place I went to for my gaming needs, it was at a place filled with walking B.O.s.

I only played there once or twice, then the owner closed it because sales wasn't doing well? I'm not sure why but one thing's for sure is the service totally sucks balls. Stocks are not readily available and ordering from the owner is very unreliable, he just doesn't give you the sense of assurance as to what he says. It's a rather typical anti-social dump he considers a shop and a place to play.

But it's fine because it gave me the chance to search for other places and I found Hobby Forge. It's somewhere near Sunway Giza, whilst just across Tropicana Medical Centre.

I have only vivid memories of how I met Alvin and how it went on, it was to years ago, 2010. Though if I recall, I only came to check if the place existed and how was the owner and the shop itself. To my surprise, it's totally opposite of the place I first went. Clean, organised and well-stocked. Alvin is one of the friendliest person I've ever met, in terms of a customer and seller relationship, he's knowledgeable in his dealings, actually knowing how to play and paint is important in promoting his shop since he gets questions alot, unlike the guy I mentioned as he only knew how to paint and even that he has problems explaining to me on what to get to paint.

The people that knows him or the community at the place are mostly friendly too, albeit some are socially awkward and maybe too enthusiastic to their hobby. But I'd rather be as a fellow player than a friend since the only common thing we have is the hobby, other than that it's either difficult to truly socialise since we don't meet every week or so, OR they have rather 'extreme' interests that just doesn't interest me.

That said, they are friendly, as in they would help or teach you when you don't know something and won't be harsh when playing. Likewise, I myself after painting and gaming for sometime, I would advise the newer players too since I wish to contribute to the community rather than just leech from it.

In the past, I usually just came to play with Marcus, but since time past on, I took the next step and I played with other people. I've always thought I could only play with someone I knew but after a few games, this was called socialising. In some ways this had happened to be my getaway from reality.

Time continues, I knew more about the people there, including the owner and some of his close friends. Other then the hobby, I sometimes have dinner with the owner, usually at the mamak downstairs from his shop. However, it got repetitive to eat the same thing so he would suggest some place else. Though it seems to happen when there are less people and go with friends he's more close to. I guess it's just common courtesy since not inviting probably looks bad and just sad but it's not every time I accept the offer or anticipate one. There's one time he took me to a rather expensive looking place that sells mostly pork dishes, USA style. To my surprise he paid for the meal, I'm thankful for that.

The only girl I've ever seen came often to the shop was Alvin's girlfriend, sorry if I have to make a big deal of every girl I meet. They are older than me by 2 or 3 years by the way. I believe Janice, wasn't with him the whole time when I first met Alvin since I only see them got close recently. She looks timid and cute but surprisingly an anime cosplayer. She paints models but doesn't play, always seen walking about or just sits and paints at the corner of the shop. She sometimes can be seen staring, though I only notice that she does that to me or more often than other people, it kinda makes me nervous. One of the few people I talked with, briefly often in Facebook but nowadays, not much, I wanted to, but it's not right if my intentions were wrong.

Anyways, the shop. It's kinda sad that the miniatures the company sell increases their price every year and it's not cheap from the beginning, but Alvin finds small ways to deal with it even he doesn't seem to profit often. I'm not doing well financially, at least that's how I feel as the years go by. Even though I don't spend much on myself, it's my parents that does the spending on me. Regardless, I wish to support his shop in anyway possible, I even thought of helping him out with legal stuff once I become an experienced lawyer.

The shop has helped me a lot of going through this phase, if not I'd probably be sulking at the corner of my room every weekend as I have no where to be but just myself. 

It'll be life changing again as I'll go to UK for my final year. To say the least, I hoped someone I knew came with me to Aberystwyth, a bit selfish; someone I want to be with. Now I plan on joining clubs, the wargame club which I hope don't suck and the archery club.

Getting results today, don't really want to meet anyone in particular. Just want to get my results.

NEET no Keiryou

Sato Tatsuhiro, main character of 'Welcome to NHK'. To most of the extent, I'm similar to him.

He is an extreme hikikomori that thinks the world has a conspiracy against him.

Basically he doubts everyone's actions towards him and his own life. He would suspect a person is looking down on him even though the person was just walking by him or near him.

Well.. I'm not that severe but I'm close. It looks like my condition is that the more closer the person is to me, the more likely I doubt/think too much into. Opposite of Sato-san but same thinking, whatever the person is doing I think about what is going on his/her mind. If she's talking to me, I suspect she's just being polite, kind is not my first consideration, if I was being indirectly mentioned in a statement, I get worked up and think it means something bad etc..

But I don't suspect the closest persons in my life, my family. It just seems there's no reason to be because I know them too well. Yet I treat strangers/people I just knew far better than the people that I had texted/talked/chat often in the past. Maybe because there is no reason to doubt a stranger's opinion or thinking about me but care about the people that you wish to be close with in what they think of you.

But that 'care' is more destructive then constructive.

I know who reads this, internet is such a way gives you the ability to 'stalk'. I'm not angry that they don't just directly talk to me, I understand, at least the rational part of me. But as the 'Sato" side of me thinks, it's just sad and frustrating to talk to a double-sided mirror while you just hear whispers every now and then from the other side.

Then again, like a hikikomori, I live in the corners of my home most of my time. Just thinking about going out with someone generates tons of excuses in my head. Spending time doing things that generally had any significant goal in mind. Well, at least I don't smoke and live in my own filth like Sato-san.

Hah, sadly I'm not him, where he has Misaki-chan; in animes you'll most definitely be granted a way out of a problem. In this case it's the mysterious sweet-looking girl that is determined to help Sato-san and cure his hikikomori ways.

If only someone like that existed here.

Returning FB with a purpose.

Hard to admit it, but it's annoying most of the things in the internet require myself to have a FB account to do something more practical and convenient.

Note, anyone thinking about adding me, I'll only accept friend requests if you really wish to remain contact with me regularly. If not, I don't want my "social anxiety disorder" to escalate again. Even though I doubt anyone here meets that one requirement but I need warn people at least.

Empty Crowd.

Previous post is a bit too short. Isn't it?

Nevermind me, It's just reality sinking in ever deeper than before. I just went to Genting again.

For the few months I went for a 'vacation'. Nothing special, a bit dull to be honest but I get to see other faces.
The thing about me going someone where crowded, like everywhere in Genting, is that the only thing you will look forward is all the girls you can see. I would say glance but the amount of people coming and going changes that meaning.

"Pervert!" Is what you say. That's sexist and stereotyping nerds like me.
First, I'm single, I'm not in any obligation to resist. I'm not staring if you'd interpret the word "look" as that.
Attractive or not, you can say I observe the number of different looking people in this world.
It is endless yet somehow the same words pop up in your mind when you look at someone who looks entirely different. But the two words that attracts most of my attention were kind or prideful.

Observing is cool but you get bored afterwards and realise do their faces really matter? You suddenly compare the ones you knew or used to know; some looked similar but are two opposite personalities. Then I realised again, what the hell am I doing this pointless comparisons and judgements.

The world suddenly focuses on myself again, I'm here with my family yet my mind is of somewhere distant thinking of something irrelevant. Girlfriends, girlfriends, girlfriends. Is my mind so tainted as some of you would perceive it is, that I only think about love and that it's all it matters?

Such a simple thing to want, ironically I'm an easy-going person. A simple family of my own is all I really wish for, getting a paycheck for things is only necessary for that achievement.

*Too negatives stuffs deleted*

I don't like talking to guys with my problems, somehow girls are easier to be emotional with.
Hahaha, what am I talking, girls that I know doesn't understand half the time I'm talking about.

No one.

For real, there is the urge to try to text someone. But there seems to be no point to it. I'm curious yet afraid as what tomorrow would bring.

What's up. What's down.

Solitude is slowly creeping up on me again. Yesterday I randomly texted people, then I realised that I'm just finding a way to escape from it.

It just seems like an infinite loop denial and acceptance. I couldn't sleep for sometime, the feeling of alone was strongest at that time for some reason that it almost made me cry. I'm probably not a guy if I cry as often as I do with every emotional breakdown.

What's increasing this feeling is I've been cooping my room editing videos and painting but mostly the videos that's causing it. It feels like my whole life is these four walls. When I sleep, I'm still back to this room.

I can't help but think I have two slightly different personalities. One that lives for my family, and one for the other. They are trying to help the other side of me to cope this solitude but I subconsciously don't want them to involve with my sentimentalities. They can never cure that void in me, it just makes it bigger.

Walk between worlds.

Let's talk about dreams again since I have an imaginative mind, some of them makes an impression as to stay in my memory for sometime. While sometimes I momentarily mixed my real past with my dreams, if I were to talk more to people, I'd be afraid to recall memories to confirm something.

Today's dream wasn't very clear but I remembered two scenes.
The first one being a bit gory than usual, I was on the road with my family perhaps but the road was wet, probably there was rain before. The unusual occurrence were pools of blood and post-accidents on the road, frequently encountering them. It wasn't disgusting or scary, just confusing. I wonder why these odd dreams come out, I understand that when I often drove to college, I see a lot of accidents, road kills and ambulances. But why dream of it?

The second one was much more vivid but I was definitely arguing with a friend. This is much more of a 'confrontation' by my dream towards myself, It was basically about us not meeting each other for a while and we argued who was suppose to call to hang out. After waking up I realise the argument didn't make much sense though. I know for a fact I'm not ignoring my friends nor is that my friends are ignoring me. The dreams applicable to all my friends actually, so I wouldn't be wrong to say I'm especially close for a friend would confront me about the reason not hanging out with them.

When you have friends that have their lovers, it just can't happen.
When you have friends with closer friends, it just can't happen.
When you have friends in another country, it just can't happen.

I have other sorts of dreams too, some of them are action packed, probably due to the games I play.
Whilst some are just realities that is too good to be true but those usually are the ones that are the longest.
Dreaming of someone you like was your girlfriend and spending romantic evenings,
dreaming of trips to exciting places with friends you never thought would go with again.
Basically my version of a 'promised land'.

Often when I wake up I feel dread that I came back to the real world again. But I usually try to see how long I've been sleeping because I'm always worried I might one day never want to wake up. The longer I slept, the more likely the dream was really good and didn't wake up just because I wanted the dream to last longer.

I'm not sure if that's possible, but even though I don't really like it 'here'. It's where I really exist.

You complete my fate.

The OP for Ergo Proxy, plus the ED song - Radiohead - Paranoid Android are really nice songs. Monoral has become my most recent favourite band.

Although I like of genres that are probably polarized from each other, J-rock adds up most to my folder of songs. The wild sometimes peaceful nature of the music just expresses raw emotions from oneself. The drum, bass, guitar are the main instruments in a rock band and I find myself listening to them individually on each repeats. When you listen to them you just can't help it but bang your head to the rhythm.

I realised I can never fully enjoy music from popular songs or music in the radio. The least of the music I like are pop songs as they generally express emotions. Give or take a few songs I would like but that's about it, they get tedious and hard to enjoy for the third or fourth time of listening.

Quite frankly explains my instinctive dislike English pop songs which are mostly rap music. The problem is not because of the individuals in the group but because the music are without uniqueness. Music without creativity is music without emotions embedded within them. American rappers nowadays takes a cake in the ***; songs about sex, money, clubs, alcohol? Not to mention the kids from this generation listen to these songs.

On the contrary, I like dancing and because of that I find myself dancing to catchy tunes even if they are not meaningful, they are suppose to get you up, excited and ready to take over the world. Sadly such a situation is not often and more likely I just want to listen to music rather than jumping around like a robot all the time. Try getting into a traffic and listen to songs ft. Ludacris or ft. Pitbull everyday.

K-pop, I have given a lot of chance to it, even forced myself to watch MVs because I don't to judge based on just a few songs. One thing I can conclude is I'm only attracted to the girls wearing sexy/cute outfits and dancing seductively/cutely in them. It is without a fact they are really good singers but when I'm looking at them I can't distinct the voice and the catchy tune with it, maybe momentarily. It's not to say I'm perverted or something but that is the first that comes to mind, unless you just listen, then again they have sexy voices too.

Without understanding their background or the hardships they go through, on face value they are entertainers that can sing, dance and have great bodies. Then there are the boys, here I'm not attracted to guys so I can comment more fairly. They don't have that seductive/cute factors when they dance, it is more of power or sleek and smooth choreographs that boy bands pursue. Like their gender counterparts, they are really good singers too.

Then again, they are popular-trending music for the current decade, like all popular and trending music, there will be a time that they will fade in time and another genre takes its place. It is likely I'm just one of the few persons that considers music as the embodiment of emotions.

Classical  express emotions/stories without a single word,
Electronic/techno gives us a unique and modern way of expressing emotions,
50s~90s express the different emphasises in each decades.
Game & Anime OSTs lets you reminisce about that particular moment/scene/theme of the game.
Rock expresses the raw power/emotions in us.
Jazz/Blues express the feelings of cool/carefree/loving/jazziness/relaxing feel
Alternative* is where originality at its finest.

Artists and musicians make music, not music companies.

I think, therefore I am.. or you are?

René Descartes

I like being philosophical from time to time since some of the animes I watched contains them.

This particular statement of "I think, therefore I am" is quite interesting. It roughly means I exist because I think. Ergo Proxy, the anime that references this statement plays around it with religious influence. The statement is changed to "I think, therefore you are." is probably to state a god or deity's power to create life and matter in that world with a mere thought.

However, the "I" in the statement can also be myself; you only exist because I think of you. In a way, as I probably had blogged or contemplated about it,  everyone's existence is solely dependent on one's mind. This may impossible to be so for an individual in the modern society to comprehend since we learn that the world is much larger than just the Earth that we live in, but contradictorily, is it not because we think about that knowledge thus it exists?

The statement makes much more sense if it was illustrated in the older times where technology of communication is not where we are now and globalisation never came to our minds. Such a person would only know the world around him, he would not know there are other countries, the vast lands of the Earth or there is life beyond the borders of his mind.

Then again, what is the truth in the world's existence? Can you be sure that everything you know exists or were you deceived by something else? Descartes wanted to absolutely prove of something's existence without it made by a 'deceiving god'. The only thing that this god could not deceive about was his very existence since no matter how much one could  deceive your existence, if you are able to doubt your existence it is the very prove that you exist.

It also comes to the conclusion that this statement somehow is applicable to me, I suppose it is a bit literal in its 'effect'. Friends that I have only 'exist' if I think about them, most of the time when I don't, they practically don't. Hard to interpret on what I'm trying to express but how about this, take away your contacts list in your phone, delete your facebook/twitter or anything that easily reminds you of someone without much effort and see what you would think next.

If your friends rarely contacts you and you are as always doing something in your life but when you don't, you suddenly have the time to think to yourself. It is at that time when you do something, they do not exist and only when you think of someone, that person exists.

That's probably what's keeping me psychologically healthy, I don't want Facebook or anything to remind of their existence when it's not helping me in anyway positively. Solitude in this way is healthy, at least solitude from the lack of friendship. The few persons that I think of is probably, I believe who should remain in my mind, because they are probably important, why else would I think of them?

Sad is not a bad thing.

I don't have much to say, I'm feeling sentimentally good now.

Hey, exams are over?

Is life going as planned?

I'm not sure whether I'm accepting reality or changing it.

But things are just fine the way are right now.
Is trying to spend time with friends the right decision?

Being away from social networks, part of me started to realise ignoring the fact that you have friends is not right.
But acknowledge that we are friends, that I have not forget, I believe, is more than enough for me to be fine as it is.

You live not to die, you live so that you remember others. And others will remember you.

It just so happens the circles I had been in, disperses much faster than usual.

Like the lotus, it withers as fast as it blossoms.


My mum always told me, that if you're fated to be with someone, no matter how much you try to leave from them, that person will always stay close in your life. Likewise, if that someone is not, you can't be with that person no matter what you sacrifice.

It's interesting to see that I've seen countless stories from others and experienced the past; I never get the full plot line of my own story. Every person's life is a unique 'print' in this world, not one is exactly the same or to your expectation.

So, I believe I'll just compensate on things that need my time and effort on.
I can never put myself into other people's consideration in life without feeling guilt.